If You Love Something Give it Away
by flaneuse89
Summary: Rachel and Finn try to begin new lives as they leave both Lima and each other after graduating high school. But their attempts to move on are futile, and certain relationships just can't be avoided when they're meant to be. Angst and heartache ensues.
1. You Don't Mean That

Chapter 1.

**September, 2011.**

Rachel Berry stared intently at the bright lights of New York City from the window of the Greyhound, her heart palpitating deafeningly. For the last 9 and a half hours of the grueling bus ride from Lima, she'd been agonizing over her decision. But when the bus had began entering the city, her nerves were temporarily displaced. Yet despite the momentary awe-inspiring arrival, she couldn't help but let a stray thought slip through her normally rigid mental barricade.

_I wonder if he likes it in Los Angeles. How could he not? The sun, the beach, the tan blonde abnormally tall girls..._

_Wait, what are you doing? _

She internally berated her wandering mind.

_What would Dr. Reynolds say? You promised both him and yourself you wouldn't waste any more tears over that boy. He isn't worth the time or the energy. Finn Hudson is a thing of my Lima past, and I won't let him taint my New York City future._

Shaking off the mental divergence, Rachel distracted herself by singing some show tunes under her voice, while trying to identify classic NYC landmarks.

20 minutes later she was coughing up dust looking forlornly at her new dingy living quarters. Times were hard, and after the economic crash, her fathers simply hadn't had enough money to get her anything more than a dilapidated Brooklyn studio (despite the fact that she wasn't even going to a real college so they were definitely saving big time on tuition). But truth be told, Rachel liked the multi-functional room that had once been part of a post-modern industrial building. She walked towards the window to look at the view, taking a moment to feel the weight of her situation. By her feet was a single suitcase (she'd decided to ditch all of the argyle and knee high socks in an attempt to exude more maturity and initiate a fresh start in her life), in her hand was her acceptance letter to the prestigious performing arts program she'd received a partial scholarship to, and in her pocket, 35 dollars. Just like Madonna. Okay maybe she also had a couple thousand dollars saved in her bank account, but who was counting the particulars anyways?

She was suddenly startled by her pale and overtly frightened reflection in the window. A familiar voice popped up in Rachel's head as she began to second guess herself.

_Why do I always have to be the one to take the big risks? Why couldn't I be normal and take the safe route and go to college like everyone else? _

_Because_, said the other, more self-assured voice,_ you're Rachel Berry. Brave, talented, special Rachel Berry who doesn't need anyone besides herself and her courage to achieve great things._

Rachel quickly reassured herself with one of her famous 100 watt smiles, and focused on the bustling city life beneath her. Yes, she was alone and terrified in a massive, unforgiving city.. but she could manage it, she always did. She gave the meandering lights of the city one last glance before turning back to face her new home. This was a fresh start, she would put the tragedy and darkness that had taken over her mind this summer behind her for good, and emerge a stronger and better person for it.

This was it.

No turning back.

...

Finn Hudson opened the door tentatively, he'd never been out of Ohio in his life, and he had no idea what to expect of the kids from California.

"Dude, welcome to USC! I'm Anthony."

Finn shook the hand of his gangly pimpled room mate, before replying.

"Hey, I'm Finn."

"So where you from?"

"Lima, Ohio. You?"

"Huh. Never heard of it... I'm from San Diego." Anthony stated proudly, his ridiculously wide smile still plastered to his face, "What's your major?"

"I'm uhh.. undecided."

Finn squirmed nervously as the confident young man gave him an appraising look.

"Let me guess, football scholarship?"

"Yeah, how'd you know."

"Well you have the right build, and to be honest, you don't seem like the sharpest tool in the shed if you get my drift."

Taken aback, Finn stared dumbly at his blunt room mate, shocked that a perfect stranger would make such a rude assumption about him. Granted, Finn was a fairly simple guy, and wasn't ever going to be the intellectual type or anything like that, but he wasn't stupid. He had gotten his act together once he and Rachel had officially started dating, and when he began to pay attention in class, he had realized it wasn't that difficult to get good grades or understand every word people were saying if he just applied himself.

He paused as the image of the girl he had been trying not to think about flitted about in his brain. Shoving it to some inner crevice, he gave his rude room mate a cold look before unpacking his things.

Anthony laughed before apologizing, "Sorry man I didn't mean to offend you, but you gotta admit, God doesn't usually bless one person with good looks, talent, _and_ intelligence. You embrace what you got, and I'll embrace my 2380 SAT score and 4.4 GPA."

Finn was silent as he realized he was actually missing Puck. He briefly considered calling him at Notre Dame to see how he and Quinn were doing but quickly decided against it. He needed to let go of Lima, and everything that was attached to the hick-town. This had been his choice, and he needed to stick with it.

**June, 2011. (three months earlier)**

Rachel sighed contently as she leaned her head on Finn's shoulders as they danced slowly at the reception of Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury's wedding. Even though everything was changing now that she, along with the members of the Glee club she loved so much, had graduated, she was looking forward to the future. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she always felt strangely at peace whenever she was with her tall, sweet boyfriend (particularly when, like right now, she was wrapped in his arms).

She was disturbed from her revery by Finn's soft voice.

"Hey Rachel? We need to talk."

Uh oh. This didn't sound good.

"What about?"

She heard Finn take a deep breath before quickly spouting out

"I decided to accept that scholarship to USC."

Rachel froze. She had known that Finn had received a football scholarship to the prestigious college in Southern California (once Sue Sylvester had taken over coaching duties at McKinley, the team hadn't lost a single game), but he had also told her that he was going to decline and opt to follow Rachel to New York.

"What?"

The dangerous inflection in her voice should have been a signal for Finn to postpone the discussion until they were in private.

"I know we were talking about moving to New York together, but I just can't pass by this opportunity. USC's a really great school and they've offered me a full ride. This could be my only chance at doing something worthwhile with my life. And as romantic as being two struggling performing artists in New York sounds, I have a mother I need to care of and responsibilities to myself."

"Your mom's been married to Burt for a year! And what responsibilities are you talking about?"

"That doesn't mean he couldn't leave her or die! And my dad was an American hero, I want to do his memory proud and make something of myself!"

"So what you're implying is that playing college football is making something of yourself while working as an actor/singer is worthless?"

Rachel's shrill tone warned Finn of the precarious situation he was in. Maybe it hadn't been that great of an idea to break this news to her at the wedding reception. Weren't girls supposed to be in good moods during weddings though?

"Of course not. And we can still be together, I don't care how slim the chances of long-distant relationships working are, you know I love you and want to be with you no matter what."

"New York and California are a 6 hour plane ride away! I'm sorry, but have I been missing something? Do you just have thousands of dollars laying around to fund monthly visits to me?"

"No, but there are always the holidays!" he groaned in frustration, "I don't know, but we can make it work, we always do... All I know is that I have to go to USC and I'd regret it if I let go of this chance."

"So this is it? You're choosing football over me_ again_."

Finn struggled to find the right words to adequately justify his actions to Rachel.

"No.. no.. you're taking this the wrong way. I'm choosing education, the only road that guarantees that I won't end up a Lima loser, which requires me to accept the football scholarship!"

"You're still choosing _something_ over me Finn."

"No, I'm not. I have to make the smart choice here, can' t you see.."

Rachel's furious demeanor was momentarily weakened when she caught the pain in her boyfriend's eyes. She let him continue.

"How will we ever make it long term if I don't make something of _myself_. I can't live with you in New York as some.. some.."

"Some what? Some dependent parasite?! Because, like every other typical Mid-Western American male, you can't deal with a relationship where the female is the bread winner."

Rachel let out a deep breath in exasperation, before finishing her speech with a new, vulnerable pleading tone.

"Finn. I'm asking you to run away with me. Take a chance with me. Can't you see it? We can both follow our dreams to be on Broadway _together_, that way the admittedly difficult task of chasing stardom will be significantly alleviated! Because together.. no one can stop us. When we're together we can do anything!"

"Rachel, Broadway's always been your dream, not mine. Your voice is one in a million, I know you can do it, and I know that you don't need me to make it. But my voice? The best I could do would be singing 80's power ballad night at some shady club in Queens. I'm not Broadway material, and we both know that. You need to go to New York, and I need to go USC."

"Even if that means we break up?"

She was testing him, just as he had tested her two and a half years ago when he threatened to leave the Glee club to join Acafellas. He felt a vague sense of deja vu as he dejectedly muttered,

"yes."

He couldn't help the tears falling from his eyes as Rachel dramatically stormed out of the hotel ball room. He sincerely hoped they would be able to overcome this, that this was just a temporary reaction spurred by her melodramatic personality and that she'd realize he was doing this all for her. The _would_ eventually reunite, he mentally assured himself, they were Finn and Rachel, they had to.

...

(3 weeks later)

Finn groaned as the doorbell rang incessantly, not wanting to get out of bed. Come to think of it, he hadn't really wanted to get out of bed all week.

_Why isn't anyone answering the stupid door? Oh crap, everyone's in New York, helping Kurt settle in at NYU._

He had felt a little guilty for not contributing to the family effort to adjust his step-brother's transition into college, but they'd understood that he was still recovering from the break-up.

After the twentieth ring, he reluctantly got out of bed.

He was shocked when he opened the door only to be engulfed by Rachel's small body jumping up to give him a massive hug. Before his brain could even react, Finn's body reflexively clung on to her with all his might. Suddenly his world seemed to re-align, while his heart floated jubilantly.

She released him slightly before standing on her tiptoes to kiss him desperately. He let himself fall into the feeling of her lips on his, wrapping his arms around her waist, trying to connect every surface inch of their bodies. He felt himself come alive again.

"I'm sorry about what I said before," she whispered after they finally let go of their death grip on each other, "I can't live without you, and if you have to go to USC, I can take acting lessons in Los Angeles. I'll just perfect my dancing and drama skills before I try to make it on Broadway."

Finn let go of her reluctantly as her blasphemous words slowly registered.

"No Rachel, you can't. I won't let you do that. You belong on Broadway, I promise we'll do the long distance relationship thing until I graduate, and hopefully I can get a job in New York to eventually join you. But I cannot, under any circumstances, let you delay going after your dreams because of me."

She looked up at him earnestly before replying,

"No Finn, you don't understand. There's only one thing I've ever put before myself and my goals and that's you. The only future worth living is one with you, and as long as you still love me, nothing's going to change that."

The truth of her words hit him like a ton of bricks. He knew he couldn't let her give up the fantastic opportunities the prestigious one-year acting/singing program in New York would bring her, when she had so much talent to give to the world, and so much star power meant to shine.

And there was only one way to ensure she would. Finn could feel his heart breaking all over again. He tried to compose his face into a deliberately aggravated expression.

"To tell you the truth, I'm sorry, but I just don't want to live with you in L.A."

Finn clenched his stomach to keep from breaking down at the tragic look on Rachel's face, interrupting her before she could continue her "You don't mean that..."

"Yes I do. I want the normal college experience. And I'm not going to get that if I have a serious girlfriend constantly clinging to me."

He watched powerlessly as she kicked the Rachel Berry 'I can handle anything' mode into gear, as she suppressed her quivering bottom lip and blinked back tears.

"What are you saying?" she finally asked.

"That I don't want to be together to anymore. It's time for us to go our separate ways."

In a masochistic and out of character thought, he silently prayed that she would slap him. He wanted some kind of punishment for the terrible hurt he was inflicting on both his one true love and himself.

But all she did was give him a look that broke his heart clean in two. It was if she was seeing the real Finn Hudson for the first time in her life.

He swiftly turned back into the house and shut the door before he could lose his resolve and admit his undying love for her. He raced back to bed hoping that sleep would enwrap him in its hazy blackness. He just wanted to forget that he had hurt the person he loved most in the world, for reasons he couldn't even recall at the moment.


	2. New Beginnings

Chapter 2.

**December, 2011.**

Unfortunately, Rachel had been forced to get a job to keep up with the quality of living (and wardrobe size) that she was used to. After months of searching (honestly, she was a bit shocked that her exciting and irresistible personality had not afforded her any immediate offers) she had finally secured a job as a waitress at a little french cafe a couple blocks away from her apartment. And although Rachel Berry was _not_ designed to serve other people, she could kind of picture herself telling the tear-jerking sob story of her turbulent ascent to the top, where she had to struggle through painful years of being objectified as a lower class waitress, harshly treated by the cold and cruel citizens of New York City at a decaying, cock roach infested cafe (she might need to exaggerate slightly for dramatic effect). She could see the title on 60 Minutes already: _Rachel Berry, the three-time tony winner's untold story. _

"Earth to new girl.."

Rachel jumped slightly at the obtrusive pink haired waitress invading her personal space. It took her a second to realize that her blindingly bubblegum colleague was handing her a bucket and mop.

"You're on bathroom duty."

Rachel held in a groan as she took the cleaning tools. Her daydream had been so much more glamorous. But as she made her way to the unpleasant area of the cafe, she couldn't help but smile as she remembered how well her classes had been going for her lately. She had been an early favorite with the teachers since day 1, and even though it was pretty much impossible for her voice to improve from its already established level of perfection, her dancing and acting were making leaps and bounds each day. Cheryl, her singing coach, had already invited a couple of agents to a performance, and had hinted to Rachel that she would definitely be receiving offers for representation soon.

And although Rachel's high maintenance and sometimes grating persona predictably prevented her from making friends (her relentless enthusiasm was _so_ not cool to the jaded and blase hipsters that lived in her neighborhood, and her fellow actors blatantly resented both her talent and the lavish praise she received), she was still enjoying the exciting rhythm of her new life. At least on a shallow level. Yes, she had gotten used to having friends her final years of high school (the Glee club had finally warmed up to her once she had toned down the diva behavior a couple notches), but she knew how to deal with being alone from her other 16 years of practice. Rachel Berry had long ago come to terms with the fact that it was lonely at the top, and being adored by millions fans would ostracize a star from the public and inhibit her from building real relationships, so it was best if she adapted to that lifestyle now rather than later. Just because a temporary detour involving (as she had recently dubbed him) 'he who must not be named' had deluded her into thinking she could have friends, love, AND fame, didn't mean that she hadn't been bitterly disillusioned in the end. And she wouldn't make the same mistake again.

Really, she kept telling herself, things couldn't have been going better.

But there was still something missing. And when she looked deep inside herself, it wasn't difficult to figure what, or more appropriately, who, that was. So she just chose to tuck the unpleasant thought in a deep inaccessible niche in her head where she wouldn't have to think about it instead.

Her thoughts were interrupted for a second time, this time by the vibration of her cell phone. Turning around to make sure none of the other employees could see her, she quietly answered.

"Hello?"

"It's Kurt. I just realized we live in the same city and we've only had one lunch date since we both moved out of that cow-infested hillbilly-ridden town called Lima, and that's not okay. I get that it's been weird since what happened at Mr. Schue's wedding between you and my bumbling and awkward step-brother, but I miss you girl, and us Mid-Westerners need to stick together in this crazy city."

Rachel laughed discreetly.

"I miss you too Kurt," she replied, succinct and straight to the point as usual.

"And I definitely agree that we need to update each other on our new lives as New Yorkers, and I really have so much to tell you, but this week is pretty busy for me. Cheryl, you know my acting coach, arranged for an impromptu production of Les Miz for a couple of big Broadway agents on Friday, so I'm going to be practicing for that along with balancing shifts at the cafe I work at."

"See, this is why we're friends." he responded, "So I can become jealous of how far your ambition and self-discipline take you and become inspired to do the same. So how about we do lunch on Saturday then? That way I can hear about how well everything goes."

"That sounds splendid. I can't wait to catch up!"

"Me too. I'd wish you luck, but we both know you don't need it."

Rachel gave herself a pleased smile as she heard Kurt end the conversation with a light click. And it was true, she shared his confidence in herself. She'd been singing 'On My Own' since she'd been potty training, and knew the performance was going to be a breeze. She only hoped there would be a savvy enough agent there to recognize her enormous ability.

...

Finn grinned broadly at the loud applause filling the auditorium. He had forgotten what a high he could reach by singing his soul out on stage.

So far, his participation in the musical theatre club was the only part of USC that he was enjoying. Coach Sylvester's ermm.. unconventional coaching methods, had prepared him for the demanding schedule of football practice, but nothing could have gotten him ready for the classes. At first, Finn had really loved how none of the teachers gave any homework, just reading. But when he began failing all of his quizzes and some of his essays because he didn't always_ bother _with the reading, he decided he didn't really like the system after all. He knew that if he put in more of an effort, he'd probably be able to do better, but his extracurriculars were just taking up all of his time. And when he was honest with himself, he knew that he was sacrificing school work to continue with musical theatre, because as much as he liked to deny it, he enjoyed performing more than anything else.

As he walked backstage, he heard John, the director of the musical theatre division at USC, yell loudly, "Finn, get over here!"

He turned to see John standing with a flamboyant middle aged man, waving him over. He walked quickly towards them.

"I'd like to introduce you to Jeremiah Ritter, the famous film director."

Finn had never heard of him, but then again Finn only really knew Spielberg, Lucas, and Luhrmann (the latter was thanks to Rachel's obsession with the musical film director). But this Jeremiah guy carried himself as if he was important, so Finn shook his hand politely and entertained him shortly with some charming small talk. Right when he had decided the guy was boring him, the director said something that made Finn's heart skip a beat.

"You know, you actually have the perfect look for a role that me and my producers are having trouble casting for this new movie, and even more surprisingly, a strong enough voice to carry the musical aspect of it. How would you like to come in and audition for it?"

He managed to gulp out a shocked "Yeah.. that would be.. really.. great.."

"I'll tell you what, give me your email address and phone number, and I'll send you the script and we can set up an audition."

Finn quickly scribbled the information on a piece of paper that the director had handed him, before Jeremiah dismissed him with a quick,

"Thanks, and here's my card. I'm looking forward to seeing what you can do."

Finn let his mouth hang open as the big shot Hollywood director walked away. He had never seriously considered pursuing acting or singing as a career. The competitiveness and ridiculously low success rates had been enough to make those professions never even cross his radar. But after this little USC funded production of Oklahoma, he knew that he loved to do both, and apparently actually had some talent too.

On the walk back to his dorm all Finn could think about was this astounding change of events that had just occurred, and the joyous possibility that he'd be able to do something that could ensure both his financial security and his withdrawal from a college and life path that he wasn't liking.

He smiled when he entered his room and saw Anthony's empty bed. He was not in the mood for stilted conversation (the two still hadn't quite clicked). Hurrying to his computer, he quickly googled 'Jeremiah Ritter'. He was shocked to learn that he had actually heard of a few of his movies, and that a couple had even been pretty big blockbusters.

_Don't psyche yourself out. Whatever, this is cool, but it's probably just a fluke. Like you could ever become some big movie actor anyways.. it's not like you're Rachel or anything._

He felt his breath hitch, and the physical stomach pains that always accompanied his thoughts when they swirled around that petite brunette. He wondered futilely if he'd ever be able to forgive himself for letting her go, before he assured himself that in the end, when she won her third Tony and all of her dreams had come true, he'd know he'd made the right decision.

His computer alerted him to the arrival of a new email, and he was surprised to see that Jeremiah had already sent him the information for the audition.

Printing out the script, Finn got ready to memorize the lines.

Disney Channel's _My School Musical_. huh.

...

"A world that's full of happiness that I have never knnoooooooowwn"

Rachel couldn't help but feel her heart become lighter as she reached that familiar ecstasy by belting out the note. The velvety strength and crystal clarity of the line sent chills down the spine of every person in the room. And when Rachel finished the song, a silence resonated, a silence that recognized the magic of what had just been witnessed.

At the conclusion of the performance, she was immediately inundated by multiple talent agents, all desperate to represent her, just as Cheryl had predicted. The aftermath became a blur, and all Rachel remembered was finally deciding on an agent, exchanging information, and scheduling appointments, head shots and auditions. When she finally reached the calm of her small apartment, she collapsed onto the large pink bed with a sigh.

_I can't believe it. Everything I've always wished for is finally happening. My talent has, as I always expected it would, proven to be strong enough to catapult me to stardom._

But no matter how much she repeated it to herself, she couldn't believe it. Her confident pretenses had always only ever been a facade, even to herself. And the fact that she was actually being noticed should have made her squeal with joy, but she still felt empty inside. Was it true what they said, that success meant nothing when you had no one to share it with?

_Ignore it. Distract yourself._

Instead she decided to think about the great luck she had succeeded in getting (yes gotten, not received- because luck wasn't something that was just handed to you, you had to reach out and grab it/make it for yourself).

She found it a bit ironic that the song that had initiated her start on Glee, the club that made her high school years the happiest of her life, had also been the one to snag her a real deal Broadway agent.

_Stop thinking in the past. None of it matters anymore. This is your new beginning._


	3. Fill the Void

_A/N:_

_For the flashback in this chapter I kind of just made up my own ending for the final episodes of the back 9, even though I've heard enough spoilers to know that nothing like this is going to happen. So basically this story is canon up until 'Home'. Oh, and it also assumes that Rachel never learned about the jacuzzi incident and its implications (because that was never really made explicit on the show). _

_I just thought I'd clear all that up so there wouldn't be any confusion :) Enjoy!_

........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Chapter 3.

**April, 2012.**

Rachel woke up screaming. She thrashed around in a panic before seeing the neon red light on her bedside table that read _3:19 am_.

It took her a few minutes to calm down and remember that she was no longer in high school, Finn was no longer a part of her life, and that it had just been a dream. Well a dream rooted in real memories that had taken a nightmarish turn, through which certain subconscious fears and pre-occupations had been revealed.. but nonetheless, still a dream.

After restlessly tossing and turning for another hour, she realized she wasn't going to get any more sleep that night. She slipped into her silk pink robe and headed into her tiny kitchen to make herself a cup of hot chocolate.

In spite of the warning bells ringing in her mind, as she got up on the cool kitchen counter and crossed her legs to wait for the milk to boil, she couldn't help but reflect on the vivid dream she had just experienced. It had started off with such a familiar scene, one of the happiest days of her life...

...

**March, 2009.**

It was sophomore year. Regionals was fast approaching and Finn and Rachel were in the choir room waiting for Mr. Schue so they could practice the new duet the Glee coach had promised to assign them. Things were still weird between them, but Rachel had just broken up with Jesse after deciding it was too risky to jeopardize the team for an up and down relationship she wasn't even wholeheartedly committed to, and he had run butt hurt back to Carmel High and Vocal Adrenaline.

And somehow, here they were, Rachel and Finn, Finn and Rachel.. back to the way things had been before all the drama. Just two good friends who understood each other.

Facing each other on the first level of the risers, somehow their conversation had steered towards the pregnancy fiasco (Mr. Schue was running extremely late).

"Wait, so you two never even had sex? Yet you believed she was carrying your _child_?"

Rachel looked at her friend disbelievingly, she had witnessed some of his dimmer moments, but this _had_ to take the cake.

"Hey, don't look at me like that. She gave me a really good story about hot tubs being like, the perfect swimming pool for all those little Finns, she was really convincing.."

He grinned sheepishly as Rachel burst out laughing.

"But wait," she said, trying to contain the giggles as another thought crossed her mind, "so that means you're still a virgin.."

Finn looked at his feet guiltily, waging an inner war.

"Umm sort of. I like to think of myself as one."

"Okay now I'm just confused. If you didn't sleep with Quinn, then who did you sleep with?"

He couldn't stand the way her tone of voice noticeably shifted, he could almost see the man-whore insinuations she was sending him. He continued to deflect her penetrating gaze while moving his attentions the hem of his shirt.

But comprehension was dawning on her.

"Oh wait.. Santana."

Finn took a deep breath before trying to gather his thoughts coherently so he could explain his actions to her.

"I was so mad about you and Jesse, and I just wanted to get over you, and I thought sleeping with Santana would help me do that. But then after, it was so meaningless, I wanted to pretend it never happened. So I lied to myself and I lied to you. If I could take it back I would, because.. because.."

"Because what?"

He finally got the courage to look into her big imploring eyes, widened with curiosity and tinged with hurt.

"Because it should have been with someone special. It should have been with you."

Rachel gulped visibly, stunned at this revelation. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she spoke.

"I wish I could be mad at you, but I can't. I lied to you about that night too. I never slept with Jesse because I was too scared and I knew I couldn't be ready if I was dreading it that much. But I was trying to get over you too, and I thought maybe if you and everyone else thought I had slept with him, then at least there'd be the _appearance_ that I'd gotten over you. But I never stopped caring about you, so I lied to myself too, but then it all became so overwhelming. I think that's a big part of the reason why I broke up with Jesse actually, I just needed some time alone to figure my feelings out."

She finished, faltering slightly, the vulnerability she sometimes showed piercingly obvious.

Finn tried to control the hope that was beating fiercely in his heart. Rachel looked up at him, waiting for his reaction, and before either one of them could really think through all that had just been said, Finn bent his head to meet her lips with a delicate kiss.

His lips lingered, reluctant to leave the soft mouth that molded perfectly with his, but not wanting to overstep his boundaries he ended the kiss and opened his eyes to look at her.

Her eyes were still closed, and her lips still barely parted.

At that moment Rachel knew why neither Puck nor Jesse had been able to fill the void Finn had left in her. Because when he kissed her, and when he was with her, everything just made sense, she felt safe, and she knew that this was the way it was supposed to be.

Rachel finally opened her eyes to meet his questioning stare. She smiled widely before getting up to sit sideways on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck to continue what they had started.

Finn felt so relieved and so complete that he couldn't help but smile while he kissed her. He reveled in the warm sensations her little body was eliciting in him, the feeling of her hot and wet tongue slipping into his mouth and meeting his own tongue's energetic approval.. His jeans became uncomfortably tight as Rachel squirmed on top of his impressive erection, totally into the kiss. He was just worrying that he might have to re-conjure up the mailman (why did she always have this effect on him?), when a loud "ahem" rudely interrupted them.

They broke apart abruptly to meet Mr. Schue's apprehending face.

"And here I was ready to tell you guys sorry for my tardiness, when apparently I wasn't even being missed.."

Finn averted his eyes, choosing to stare at the piano innocently, while Rachel tried to catch her breath before taking the reins.

"We're sincerely apologetic Mr. Schue, but teenage hormones have a mind of their own so we really can't be held responsible for what our bodies are genetically programmed to urge us to do, furthermore-"

The bemused Glee coach cut his star singer off.

"Don't worry, I get it Rachel. I'm just glad it seems like you two have finally figured things out, which means we can now put everything that's happened behind us to focus on winning regionals. And to be honest, part of what makes the duets you two perform so heart-wrenching is the undeniable chemistry you guys have, so as long as you don't lose that, this is fine with me."

Rachel smiled triumphantly while Finn gave a small sigh of relief. Mr. Schue was so cool.

An hour later Finn was driving Rachel home. He had expected Rachel to immediately become the aggressive go-getter he knew so well and to start story boarding the his and her relationship calendars 2.0 (personally he was still bummed they'd never gotten to make those couple cereal bowls at color me mine) but she was uncharacteristically silent.

What he didn't know was that Rachel was panicking inside.

_Holy moses that was incredible, Finn and I can finally become an item for real. I should invite him in and we can bake chocolate fudge brownies and watch Chicago and Grease and then The Way We Were before... oh no, wait, don't get ahead of yourself. Remember what happened last time? You just ended up getting hurt.. again. Is this a good idea? Do I want to let him in only to fall more in love with him only to be even more devastated when he inevitably ruins everything? ... No! Wait, just stop over-analyzing! Let him talk first, I'll figure this out as I go._

When they finally reached Rachel's house, Finn parked his car in front of her yard and looked at Rachel. Neither of them moved an inch. Finn was beginning to understand the concept of an 'awkward silence'.

"So..." he said at last.

"So?!" that was all Rachel needed, "That's it? We basically just declared our feelings for each other and had the first honest conversation we've mutually engaged in for months, and all you can say is so?!?!"

Finn began to get apprehensive.

"Rach calm down.. you know I'm no good at talking about how I feel and saying things the way I mean for them to come out. I really don't want to say the wrong thing and mess this up again."

"Well," she responded temporarily pacified, "I will concede that we have had a pretty dysfunctional relationship. I mean, if it was manifested into some sort of roller coaster ride, most people would be vomiting from dizziness at this point.. yet somehow, we still manage to return for more.."

"I'm not sure I got all that.. but see? You're just better with words then I am..."

She continued to look at him expectantly.

"I guess though, if you want to know what I'm feeling, I'll try to be as.. straightforward as I can... I want us to do this for real. I want to be with you and only you and I'm pretty sure that I've wanted that since we first sang Don't Stop Believing together all those months ago, even though I ignored it and fought it for stupid reasons like my reputation and fake babies. But seriously, I get all mushy and poetic when I think about you, and no one has ever made me feel the way I do when I'm with you. It's like you bring out the best in me and inspire me to _be_ the best me.. and also.. well.. I'm.. I'm in love with you Rachel."

He turned to face her, his heart beating a mile a minute at his confession. He was rewarded with the most shining look of adoration the city of Lima had probably ever seen.

"I wholeheartedly return the sentiment..."

Rachel looked at the confused look on Finn's face, before translating,

"I love you too silly."

"Oh," smiled Finn in relief.

His goofy grin and unabashed naivete was all it took to send Rachel over the edge. She was reaching over and kissing him again within seconds and he was eagerly accepting her, and they lost themselves in the feel of each other's soft lips.

...

And that's when the treasured memory Rachel knew so well had changed. Suddenly Finn had broken apart from her and started laughing maniacally. His face began distorting and when he spoke, it wasn't the soft voice she had always loved that came out of his mouth, but a booming and supernaturally malicious voice (Rachel likened it to a voice a Disney movie villain might have).

"What a gullible fool," this new Finn had said, "You honestly believe that I could ever love something as hideous, selfish, stubborn, and narcissistic as you?"

Cue more booming laughter, followed by Rachel's panicked awakening from the odd dream.

She shivered softly as she finished the last sip of hot chocolate.

...

5000 miles away Finn Hudson got the goosebumps unexpectedly.

He was sitting in his new apartment.. well, new was a loose term. The place had seen better days, but Finn wasn't about to blow his first real paycheck on some fancy shmancy Beverly Hills condo. He still couldn't believe he'd landed the part in the film, and was choosing to be frugal until he had set up a serious acting career with the prospects of longevity.

He was also still kind of freaking out that he had dropped out of school. His mom had freaked too of course, but in the end had told him that if acting was what he wanted to do, he had her blessing.

The last few months had passed by in a total whirlwind. Acting for a bunch of cameras with hundreds of people watching his ever move, recording songs in a real recording studio, people doing his hair and make-up (yeah that part was actually.. just weird), free food and coffee from the craft services tables (and that part was definitely the biggest perk).. he still wasn't sure if any of this was actually happening to him.

Not only were they happening though, they were going really really well. It seemed like Finn Hudson might have an actual shot at breaking into the biz, depending on how successful the movie turned out to be.

The movie itself was pretty corny, but hey, it was Disney Channel, and everyone was saying it could be a big tweenie bopper hit.

Finn was also making some friends, maybe too many in fact. He knew that he was a pretty charismatic guy, and girls had always tended to fall for him pretty easily, but he was still uncomfortable with the amount of attention he was receiving from his female co-stars, especially when he couldn't reciprocate any of their feelings. The female lead of the production, Melissa Holloway, had made no secret of her intentions, and if he was any normal hot-blooded 19 year old male, he would have gone for it. She _was_ pretty hot in a long blonde hair, big blue eyed Miss America sort of way. But that wasn't his type. And even if it were, his heart was already occupied, whether or not he chose for it to be.

After months of filming and hard work, they were almost done shooting _My School Musical_. Finn had just wrapped for the day and was now sitting in his quiet little room reading the email he had recently received from Kurt for the 18th hundred time.

_Bonjour mon frere,_

_ You know, I might appreciate it if you dropped me a line once in awhile just to ask how __I'm__ doing. But I'll save you the lecture because I'm just that fantastic and answer your questions. Rachel's doing spectacularly. Like I told you, she got that great agent a few months ago and scored a small part in that new edgy musical _Spring Awakening_, and just got upgraded to understudy of the titular character Wendla. The music's right up her alley, and considering how young she is, it doesn't take a fortune teller to read she's on her way up to the big leagues. As to your others queries, she has gotten one trim so her hair has remained relatively the same length as when you last saw her, her outfits have improved drastically (thanks to her open mind at cultivating a fresh start and the impeccable fashion taste of yours truly) so __no__ she is no longer rocking the penny loafers and knee-highs (however I don't think even you would mind the much needed change brought in the form of skinny jeans and little black dresses), she doesn't have a boyfriend (or friends besides me for that matter) but seems happy nonetheless (however this could just be a defense mechanism, I don't know her as well as you do so I can't be sure), and is just as ambitious and abrasive as ever. And don't worry, I haven't told her anything about your new job (about which I am simply dying for details by the way), but she's made a point not to mention your name at all to me. Which begs the question, why _did _you break her heart all those months ago anyways? You never stop asking me about her __and how she's doing, which seems to me as if you're just as madly in love with her as you've always been. But whatever, I guess I'll never understand the complex inner workings of the male heterosexual's mind. And now moving on to a much more interesting subject (moi), NYU is incredible. I'm finally widely accepted for everything I am (you have no idea how trendy having a theatrical and opinionated homosexual friend is over here) and am appropriate basking in this newfound popularity. Justin and I are still going strong (thanks for your concern) and are officially planning to rent an apartment together next year. And I wasn't kidding about the much needed info on your new career, you're starving me here, and I hope you know you're bringing me to the premiere of the movie as no one would appreciate the celebrity treatment (and celebrity watching) as much as me. I expect a prompt response._

_Your ridiculously wonderful, handsome, sensitive, and caring step-brother,_

_Kurt _

He drank in every word as if it fed his very soul. Reading or hearing about anything Rachel related never failed to get his blood pumping faster and his mind rejuvenated. He had tried to forget about her and Lima in an attempt to escape the pain leaving her had caused, but it had been to no avail. Now he was just accepting the inevitable; he would watch and love her from a distance, but never hinder her bright future with his cumbersome presence again.


	4. Made for Each Other

_A/N:_

_This contains some brief spoilers and speculation for the season finale._

_.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................._

Chapter 4.

**August, 2012.**

Rachel stared at the television in total and complete shock. One moment, she had been flipping tv channels looking for something to pass the time, and the next she was watching a glorious singing Finn Hudson on the tv screen, yes, _her_ Finn Hudson (the surprise had been strong enough to make her forget the "never mention his name again" rule).

"We're breaking free

we're soaring, flying

there's not a star in heaven that we can't reach

if we're trying

yeah we're breaking freeee."

It took her another ten minutes to pick her jaw up off the floor. Since when had this happened? And why had _nobody_ bothered to tell her? Hadn't she and Mercedes talked yesterday (Rachel had wanted to wish her luck on her American Idol audition) and didn't she and Kurt, _Finn's step brother_ for Moses's sake, see each other at least twice a week?

She ran to her computer and googled 'Finn Hudson', feeling like an alcoholic bingeing on vodka after years of AA.

Her jaw was back on the floor when she saw there were almost a million hits. Clicking on the first interview she saw, Rachel rapidly scanned through the article.

_Finn Hudson, the break-out star of the surprise Disney Channel summer phenomenon, _My School Musical_, went from Midwestern jock to A-lister in a matter of months. After being discovered by the director Jeremiah Ritter at an amateur production of Oklahoma at USC, Hudson has been taking Hollywood by storm with his classic good looks, charming smile, and irresistible singing voice. Many critics speculate that much of the _My School Musical_'s groundbreaking success is rooted in Mr. Hudson's __charismatic star presence, boyish appeal to the tween generation, and refreshing vocal talents. And not only is the 19 year old signed to reprise his role in the big screen sequel to _My School Musical,_ but he's also rumored to have secured the role of Higgins in the revamped (and very hyped) teenage adaptation of _My Fair Lady_. We predict a bright future for this rising young talent._

Rachel spent the next five hours alternating between watching the full film online and researching Finn's newfound stardom, fuming silently the entire time. She was unconsciously glad that her compulsive need to always be the best was overshadowing the unpleasant feelings that were reviving within her, because she knew that if she thought about it too much, she'd realize the reason she felt like vomiting was because the boy she thought had been her one true love was living a life entirely independent from hers.

_Of course.. This __would__ happen to Finn._

_The boy who had been the object of the affections of half the glee club with the uncanny knack for __bewitching people into loving him __would__ luck out and get the biggest break ever... I mean, do they even let boys that tall in Hollywood? _

This was utter and complete bogus.

_Okay Rachel slow down, deep breaths.. So what? He's the clear winner of this round but you're not doing too shabby yourself. You just received a certificate of completion with honors from the best performing arts school in New York. You've recently been promoted to understudy for the lead female role of a Broadway musical that was nominated for 11 tonies. Not only that, but you've performed on Broadway in front of a live audience two times already! Remember the stage.. remember the attention.. remember the applause.. that's what you're living for. Plus you're next in line to play Wendla once Katerina Johnson moves on to something else (and let's be honest, your voice is far superior to hers anyways). And you're only 19! These are serious accomplishments that should not be taken lightly. So what if Finn has paparazzi following him and three online fan websites.. That movie was comic fluff and he'll probably end up some washed up teen starlet anyways while the immutable foundations you've built for yourself will ensure a long and successful career._

Before she even realized it, Rachel was reverting back to her old obnoxious and immature coping measures. But no matter how much she tried to rationalize the sickness deep in her stomach, no matter how much she tried prove her own self-deserved success and independence to herself, at the end of the night she was sobbing over the only boy she had ever given her heart and soul to. The boy who had left her, the boy who she would no longer be able to escape from.

...

Time failed to heal the reopened wounds, and four days later Rachel woke up with tears in her eyes, feeling worse than ever.

The anger and hurt that had been accumulating within her brain for the past few days began to fester.

_Holy Moses why can't my subconscious give me a rest for one freaking night? I spend all day forcing myself to avoid thinking about he who shall not be named only to be bombarded with memories of him in my sleep. I can't take it anymore. _

She realized she wouldn't be able to make it to work tonight and rolled over onto her side, pulled the covers over head, and closed her eyes. She was slightly aware that she was regressing back into dangerous territory, but she couldn't muster up the energy to care. So she let herself drown in the darkness that had been threatening to consume her for the past year.

…

Finn sighed as he tried to stay within the realms of his shroudy dream, he vaguely remembered that he had been reliving some of his time with Rachel. And all he knew was that hadn't felt that amount of comfort and happiness for over a year, and gosh darnit if he was going to lose it by waking up to reality. But it slipped out of his fingers like an ungraspable mist, and soon he was wide awake.

_You'd think that the "next big thing in young hollywood" wouldn't be so resistant to face the day. And damnit I had been having such a good dream..._

_..._

**May 2009**

Finn looked down lovingly at the tiny girl asleep on his chest. Yeah he was sitting in an uncomfortable position on the couch, and Moulin Rouge was kind of a twisted movie, but he couldn't bring himself to move the resting beauty draped over him. He caressed her long brown hair lightly, smiling at how perfect his life finally was.

New Directions had gotten second place at Regionals, which meant they were qualified to go to Nationals and keep the Glee Club at McKinley High indefinitely. The best part had been that they hadn't even lost to Vocal Adrenaline (the uber competitive team had been disqualified for cheating) but some weird team called Aural Intensity that catered to the judges' preferences. Oh, and Quinn's water had broken at the competition too, and she'd had her baby. Rachel had convinced him to be the bigger man as well, so by the time Puck and Quinn had handed over the baby to the adoptive parents, he had formally forgiven the two.

And yeah his popularity was no longer what it once was, but surprisingly, he didn't care. The slushie facials had discontinued after he and Puck had broken Karofsky's nose in three different places and dislocated the jaw of one of his cronies, and he could deal with the occasional name-calling (Rachel had explained to him that "their idiotic put-downs" were "simply indicative of their low self-esteem and single-celled brains and debatably evidence of repressed sexuality and jealousy" over his talent, and "therefor nothing to worry about or even give the time of day to"). And furthermore, he had realized that as long as he had Rachel, his mom, and Glee, he'd be fine because they were all that really mattered.

Plus, things with Rachel were hotter than ever. At first, they had wanted to take things slow, do things correctly, but their bodies had definitely overruled that decision. Their heavy make-out sessions were a daily treat, and pretty much all Finn could ever think about anymore (especially on those rare occasions where they escalated into more thorough explorations of each other's bodies). He was actually getting a little worried about how much he sexually responded to Rachel. Her lips and her body were always on his mind, and just the thought of their consummating their relationship was enough to make him erupt, literally. Even as she slept soundly on him, he couldn't help but concentrate on her rather than the movie, and as his eyes wandered down to the barely visible curve of her breasts (alright, he was looking down her shirt) he couldn't help but get hard, again. This girl was going to be the death of him.

He jumped as she muttered incoherently in her sleep. The only words he could decipher were, "Mmm Finn.."

That was it. His mom was with Burt in Atlantic City and gosh darnit he was going to take advantage of the alone time with his girlfriend. He adjusted Rachel gently as he switched off the bizarre musical (he didn't really need to hear another version of Like a Virgin either, bad memories). Moving Rachel back onto his lap, he placed a soft but pressing kiss on her lips. It did the trick, Rachel's eyes shot open.

"Did you have a nice nap?" he asked amused.

"Oh my god please tell me I didn't drool."

"Yeah I hate to tell you that you definitely did, it was pretty gross actually, like niagara falls was coming out of your mouth or something."

The look on her face was pure mortification until she realized he was teasing her. She slapped him playfully and he counter attacked with a swarm of tickles. They were soon laughing and play wrestling with each other until suddenly he was on top of her, their face inches from each other and their thick ever-present sexual tension hanging thick in the air. Finn's weight was carefully distributed so he wouldn't suffocate her, his position almost mirroring that of their first kiss, and they both realized it.

He looked into her eyes, out of breath, relishing the feel of her warm soft body pressed below his. She was so earth-shatteringly beautiful, and the way she looked at him sent his adrenaline pumping even faster, it was as if he was her entire world.

The two cherished the moment, before Finn broke the silence.

"Do want to spend the night?" he managed huskily.

There was no hesitation in her eyes when she replied with a heavy "yes" that implied a bit more than reading each other bed time stories.

He kissed her delicately, just like that first first time, only now he had a little bit better control over his nether regions, and more importantly, they belonged solely to each other.

Getting up nervously, Finn grabbed Rachel's hand to help her up and lead her to his bedroom. He began fidgeting when they entered his attic like room, the tan cowboy wallpaper still covering half the walls. Was this a good enough place for Rachel Berry to lose her virginity in? Second thoughts began to plague him and before he knew it he was blabbering to her as she walked toward his bed.

"You know Rach, we really don't have to do this. I mean, my room isn't anything much, and there isn't really anything special about today, and you, you deserve to have this night be special, and if I had known we might do this I would have bought candles and flowers, gerber daisies to be specific because they're your favorite and.."

He was shut up by Rachel's lips on his. She looked up at him meaningfully, her impossibly large eyes full of excitement, love and earnestness.

"Finn, this night _is _special, because I'm with you. You're participation in this as the boy I love will automatically render this night as the most romantic and perfect of my 16 years of life. I don't need flowers or candles or crown moulding or anything like that when I have you. And I love you, and you love me, that's all I need."

She somehow always knew exactly how he was feeling and what he was thinking and how to make him feel better. She just got him, inside and out.

Before his sentimental emotions threatened to rise to the surface, he leaned his head down to press his lips onto hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, pulling him backwards down onto the bed with her. Finn willingly collapsed onto the petite brunette, one arm under her waist, the other hand under her plaid skirt up her inner thigh. Rachel moaned into his mouth before putting her hands up his sweater to help him remove it. Their hands were all over the place, unbuckling belts and undoing zippers. The two were stripped down to their underwear in under a minute.

Rachel let out a breathy moan as Finn unclasped her bra and peppered kisses on her breasts, before whispering in his ear, "Do you have a condom?"

Finn shivered at the feeling of her soft breath, he hadn't thought his erection could get any harder. He nodded dumbly, crawling as fast as he could to his bedside drawers fumbling around for the little foil packet.

He was back on top of her within seconds, smothering himself with the contact of her warm soft skin.

...

Rachel pressed her body into Finn's broad chest as he kissed her hungrily, trying to somehow get closer than they already were. She just wanted to feel him,_ all _of him, and she couldn't get enough. Yeah, she was definitely ready.

She whimpered as Finn stopped kissing her to remove her panties and position himself at her entrance. She shivered at the boy's touch, this was it.

"Rachel, you know I love you right?"

She felt herself smile as she lifted her head to give him a soft kiss, her arms still wrapped around his neck.

"Yes."

She winced at the sharp pain that tore through her as he slowly pushed himself inside her, but bit her lip like the trooper she was and rocked her pelvis towards him in further encouragement.

...

Finn groaned loudly as he felt her hot velvety smoothness surround him. It just felt so good, so right.

"Oh- Ohhh."

...

Arching her back, Rachel moaned lightly as the pain started to become replaced with a heightened pleasure she could have never imagined. As Finn began moving in her with a steady rhythm, Rachel lost herself to the new sensations she was experiencing.

Together, they savored the feeling of being physically joined, as close as two people could get.. both emotionally and bodily connected. And as they reached that climactic point of pleasure as one, they knew the spiritual level of ecstasy they shared signified something great.

They had been made for each other.


	5. You Love, You Learn

CHAPTER 5.

_A/N: _

_The song Rachel sings is Alanis Morissette's 'You Learn'._

_Another thing, sorry for dragging out the big long-awaited meeting between the two for so long, it's coming soon I promise!_

_And thanks for the lovely reviews, I really appreciate them. Oh and I also love constructive criticism if anyone feels like they want to give me some :)_

..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

**Still August, 2012**

The movie had been released for about three months, and was gradually gaining momentum to become the biggest hit Disney Channel had ever seen. Money kept pouring in from album sales too and Finn was actually famous. The other day he had been grocery shopping only to end up having to run away from the horde of teenage girls that had started a riot when they saw him. His manager was considering hiring a body guard until the commotion died down a bit. But the thought of having a body guard didn't sit well with him.. he was just a schmuck from Lima who had gotten lucky, not a _celebrity_.. why were all of these girls going crazy over him?

If he didn't enjoy the acting and singing part so much, he would have probably quit. The rabid following of the movie was more than a little disconcerting.

But he had already signed on to participate in the sequel, so there was no more room for second thoughts.

Plus it was a job and it paid the bills (and left a lot remaining at that), and he wasn't going to give that up. Wasn't fame and fortune what everyone wanted anyways? It was like the ultimate form of popularity. He only needed one more thing to achieve the ultimate happiness..

Finn wasn't going to lie, he debated calling Rachel every single day now that he had made something of himself. He'd be mid-dial thinking about how he could apologize and tell her that he had always wanted to be with her but couldn't until he had found himself and found success, but he always hung up the phone before finishing punching in the numbers. That familiar cloud of uncertainty would darken his optimism, telling him that she would never forgive him, that he wasn't worth forgiving...

It wasn't until 3 months later that he finally decided grow a pair and follow through with the call.

**November, 2012.**

Finn was standing alone in his room; staring at the iphone in his hand, the updated phone number on the post-it on his mirror, and the piece of notebook paper with his pre-written apology and plea to Rachel ready on his desk. He took a deep breath, dialed the number, and was about to press the little green button when...

"all the single ladies, all the single ladies, all the single ladies, all the single ladies.."

He mentally cursed Kurt for ruining this pivotal moment.

"What?" he answered shortly.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just break out that attitude with me and tell you that under no circumstances can you just barge back into Rachel Berry's life begging for her back."

"Why the hell not?" Finn sputtered.

"Seriously Finn. I just got your email and can only pray that I called you in time. It would not be healthy for either of you if you got back together at this point. Trust me, it will only end in disaster."

"Kurt, unless you give me a really good reason why you suddenly feel the need to upgrade your role in my life from step-brother to _babysitter_, I'm going through with his."

He heard his step-brother sigh dramatically on the other end of the line.

"I was really hoping I wouldn't have to resort to this, but unfortunately, I'm going to have to break Rachel's trust and tell you why it is vital that you stay away from her. These last few months.. I haven't been completely honest with you."

Finn swallowed, this didn't sound good.

"Rachel didn't hear about your recent success until August. I didn't know this until after, but she's been on a rigid mental regimen that excludes any 'thinking' having to do with you, something she and her doctor made herself do after she had a mental breakdown the summer."

He felt his stomach drop, doctor? He was terrified to find out the rest of the truth.

"You know Rachel. She feels things more vividly than the rest of us and she's always been the epitome of a drama queen. After you broke up with her, she just fell apart. And I mean both mentally and physically, she refused to eat or speak for weeks before her parents took her to a rehabilitation center. She had lost the will to live."

Finn lost control of his legs and collapsed on his knees as he realized the magnitude of the pain that he unintentionally had caused the love of his life.

"Her recovery was quick after she re-familiarized herself with the girl she was _before_ meeting and loving you, as well as the goals she had set for herself the second she came out of the womb. She eventually made it to New York before the summer's end, just in time to secure her place at the performing arts institution."

Finn choked back fury and tears, "Why didn't anyone ever tell me? I would have been there in a heartbeat. Damnit if someone had just told me I'd never had made the stupid decision to go to USC in the first place!"

"Her dads and doctor thought a full elimination of you from her life would be the best course to take. They came to the conclusion that anyone whose actions could have such an unhealthy effect on Rachel would probably be better not in her life at all. And they were right, sort of, because she became old Rachel again, obsessed with kickstarting her career. She was living in her own Broadway bubble, pretending you didn't exist, until she saw your stupid singing face on national television. She fell into a minor relapse and didn't get out of bed for days. When I realized that not only had she missed Justin's art exhibition but had also stopped showing up to work I went to visit her at her apartment. She was a mess, I found her in bed with ratty hair and what looked like a permanently tear-stained countenance, watching The Way We Were while overdosing on stale disfigured sugar cookies. I know, I never thought I'd see the day where the spokesperson for perfectionism would deign to eat cookies with unsavory lumps in them either, but that's what she had been reduced to."

Finn's head fell to his knees as what Kurt had just told him fully sunk in. That was when the self-loathing began to kick in.

_I'm a monster. _

"I mean it's not that serious." Kurt continued, hoping he wasn't inadvertently sending his step-brother straight into the arms of a psychologist as well, "We all know Rachel's always been a bit unstable. But what she really has is a light case of bipolar disorder. The only thing is she refuses to take medication for it because she doesn't want to live life as a zombie, and is learning to monitor it with her own determination and scary self-will. But anyways, last month, she was promoted as the new full-time Wendla in _Spring Awakening_ when the critics began campaigning for her to replace the previous girl. She's finally getting her groove back and I can't let you call her and disrupt that. So do you see why you can't ever contact her again?"

"Yeah," Finn replied, still numb, "Of course."

Hanging up, he knew he could never allow himself to give in to the impulse to ruin Rachel's life again.

Silently, he grabbed his car keys to drive to the nearest bar. He was going to drown his sorrows in alcohol and plan the new life of fame and money he was going to utilize as a way to ease the pain..

By the time he was downing his 7th shot of whiskey, Finn had come up with a multi-step solution (Kurt would have been proud). He would make a sincere effort to forget about Rachel and all the hardship he had caused her. He _had_ to. Or else he wouldn't be able to bear living any longer.

Angrily, he grabbed his iphone and texted a message to his infatuated co-star, Melissa.

**hey. i know i've been kind of distant and stuff, but i decided maybe it actually would be a good idea for us to get to know each outside of work. how would you like to go to dinner tomorrow?**

The ditzy blonde replied with what he thought was some sort of ninja lightning texting speed.

**I'd love to! Just tell me when and where :)**

Finn sighed resignedly as he texted back with a location and pick up time. Step one of the Rachel-vention was a go.

...

Rachel handed her resignation to the manager of the cafe proudly. Thanks to the help of Kurt, a couple calls from her Dads and therapist, and the cure of seeing her name in lights replace that has been's on _Broadway_, she was feeling _much_ better.

"I'm surprised you didn't quit sooner, what, with all your recent success and all," her grey haired and tired-looking boss said drolly.

Rachel smiled forgivingly at the elder man's ignorance before replying.

"I'm not one to ever let myself not have a back-up plan. But I just signed my one year contract and received my first _considerable_ paycheck, so it's safe to say that I will be staying on Broadway for a long time to come."

She gave him a bright wave before heading out the door pompously. Yes, she was most certainly getting her spunk back.

Pulling out her phone she quickly dialed Kurt's number.

"Hey girl what's up?"

"Hey I just quit my day job and I want to celebrate the signing of the contracts! What are you doing tonight?"

"I was planning on studying but you know how much I love the art of procrastinating. What kind of celebration are you thinking?"

"Our favorite cabaret bar!"

"Sounds perfect, I'll bring the fake IDs. So I'll meet you backstage after the show?"

"Yes. See you then!"

...

"You know," Rachel started, turning her head away from the current off Broadway wannabe singing on the stage, "Things are really changing. For real. I can feel it in the air or something. I'm sorry you had to see me that way a few months ago, but I'm really determined to overcome that side of me once and for all, and really move on from the fiasco that was the summer after graduation. Playing Wendla has been so life-altering you know? I haven't gotten a single bad review, not one. My career has officially been launched and I just feel so happy and secure."

Kurt smiled, looking oddly proud of himself.

"It's good to hear it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? And I totally get where you're coming from. Maybe it's something about the lovely polluted air here, but things are changing for me too, I think I've found my new calling. I mean, I've always loved fashion, but I never considered making a career out of it. But now my textiles and design professor says I have a real eye for it and that I could make a really talented fashion designer. And it just makes so much sense to me, like why didn't I see it before?"

"Wow that's amazing Kurt! I'm so happy for you. Here's to new beginnings!" she said, lifting her champagne glass to meet Kurt's.

"To new beginnings" he repeated, clinking her glass with his.

"And now," said a booming voice from the stage "you might recognize this girl as the new Wendla from a little show called Spring Awakening, also known as the breakout Broadway hit in the last couple of years. May I present to you a real treat, Miss Rachel Berry!"

Rachel got up and curtsied as the host announced her name. She loved this place.

Halfway to the stage she decided to switch the song she was planning on singing. Grabbing the mike and giving Kurt a wink that said "this one's for us," she began to sing.

"_Ooh, ooh, ooh yeah,_

_I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone, yeah_

_Oh, I recommend walking around naked in your living room, yeah_

_Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)_

_It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)_

_Wait until the dust settles_

_You live you learn_

_You love you learn_

_You cry you learn_

_You lose you learn_

_You bleed you learn_

_You scream you learn_"

Her favorite thing to do in the whole wide universe was singing songs that could apply to her life. Singing just meant so much more that way.

"_I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone_

_I certainly do_

_I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time_

_Feel free_

_Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)_

_Hold it up (to the rays)_

_You wait and see when the smoke clears_

_You live you learn_

_You love you learn_

_You cry you learn_

_You lose you learn_

_You bleed you learn_

_You scream you learn_

_Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)_

_Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)_

_The fire trucks are coming up around the bend_

_You grieve you learn_

_You choke you learn_

_You laugh you learn_

_You choose you learn_

_You pray you learn_

_You ask you learn_

_You live you learn_"

She held out the last note as the background music ended. She felt cleansed and rejuvenated, as if she really was strong enough to start over for real this time.


	6. An Empty Cage is All I've Got

CHAPTER 6.

_A/N:_

_The song Finn sings is an excerpt of 'The Cage' by Travis. Which is a very very good song that should be listened to in order to gain insight into Finn's emotions at this point in the story :)_

_And sorry ahead of time for the cliffhanger!_

…_............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................._

**May, 2015. (2 and a half years later).**

Finn chuckled bitterly as he passed the giant billboard picturing his and Melissa's fake smiles selling _My School Musical 2_. He was pretty sure right before that had been taken Melissa had been yelling at him for 'flirting' with the make-up artist. They had been on and off for about two years and were a tabloid sensation. Most of the time she just aggravated him and reminded him of pre-baby (and thus pre-humanized) Quinn Fabray. But he was too apathetic and afraid of confrontation to end the relationship.

_Why not waste away in the dull pattern that my life is already comfortable with?_ He rationalized, _What's the point in adding unnecessary stress when everything would just end up sucking either way._

Over two years had passed since his decision to quit Rachel Berry, and 22 year old Finn Hudson's career had skyrocketed, but personally, he had become seriously jaded.

He had lost his identity. Hollywood and the Disney company had transformed him into this sickeningly packaged product, and he was being sold to every hormonally-charged tween girl in the country. And he hated it, but there was nothing he could do about it.

Finn gave a sigh of relief as he entered his new condo in Santa Monica. It was almost 3 am and he had only just been released from an agonizing press party celebrating the upcoming release of the _My School Musical _sequel. He poured himself a large glass of whiskey before reclining on his leather arm-chair.

His phone wouldn't stop ringing, and he was _not_ in the mood to listen to Melissa yell at him for a half hour about ditching her at the party.

He knew it had been rude, but she was really driving him crazy lately, and she could always call a cab. He just couldn't handle her and her superficiality, jealousy, and insufferable vanity anymore. Finn considered breaking up with her almost every single day, but in the end he always decided it wasn't worth the drama. And when she was acting tolerable, her warm body, pretty face, and total devotion to him were a comfort to him when he wanted to forget about his troubled past.

Roaming his eyes around the living room, he tried to find something to distract him from the terrifying inanity that was always threatening to overwhelm him. They finally settled on the day's newspaper. He lazily stomped towards it and picked it up.

He scanned the major articles of the day, and began flipping through the pages searching for anything interesting.

He almost choked on his drink when he opened up the gossip section and came face to photo with the girl he had been spending the last 30 months trying not to remember.

_BROADWAY POWER COUPLE LIGHT UP NYC!_

_The musical genius of the 21st century and the beauty behind this year's brand new smash Broadway hit, the modern revival of _West Side Story_, have recently announced their engagement to the public. The stunning 22 year old Rachel Berry (and this year's Tony front runner) has sparked some controversy in the theatre world by dating the brilliant but 39 year old composer, Roger Breckelstein, almost old enough to be her father. However, it is easy to tell from these pictures that these two lovebirds are clearly perfect for each other._

Finn momentarily forgot the circumstances and the last four years, and instinctively growled at the thought of anyone touching Rachel Berry but him. She was _his_ and his only.

Moments later, he mentally slapped himself.

_Snap out of it! You lost the right to claim Rachel Berry as yours when you lied to her to protect her from herself. It doesn't matter that you let her go out of love, she doesn't belong to you anymore._

He then laughed humorlessly to himself at the thought of Rachel Berry _belonging_ to anyone.

_That's why you did it remember? You couldn't let her love for you eclipse everything else that was important to her in life. _

He still had to remind himself of this fact every single day, and it had been over two years since he had learned the extent of the torture he had put her through with his good-intentioned break up.

_A bird can no longer be a bird when its caged, because by caging it you're stripping it of its integral essence, the instinct to fly and be free. You were Rachel's cage. So you had to set your bird free, share her beauty and her song with the world. It was the right, unselfish thing to do._

Yes, Rachel had always brought out the poet in him.

_It's like the lyrics to that one song.._

Finn walked into his room and pulled out his guitar (he had learned how to play for the first _My School Musical_ movie) and began strumming the strings lightly, singing softly to himself.

"_But then this bird just flew away _

_she was never meant to stay_

_oh to keep her caged _

_would just delay the spring_

_..._

_You broke my soul dear_

_You stole the plot_

_You left an empty shot_

_There's nothing left here 'cos you took the lot_

_An empty cage is all I've got_

_'cos when that bird has flown away_

_She was never meant to stay_

_Oh to keep her caged would just delay the spring_

_To keep her caged would just delay the spring_"

His voice faded, and his thoughts soon followed suit as he succumbed to exhaustion and heartache and fell asleep.

...

Rachel tried to appear interested as Roger talked about the new composition he was working on, but her thoughts were elsewhere.

_West Side Story_ had only been out for a month when Rachel had learned she'd received a Tony nomination. A _Tony_ nomination. She still couldn't wrap her around the fact. And even more mind-boggling than that, while she and Roger had walked into the restaurant they had had reservations at, two photographers had snapped pictures of them. She already had paparazzi following her. It was a dream come true.

"..so how does rasberry creme brulee sound for dessert?"

Rachel looked up into the blue eyes of the older man she was dating as the waiter took their plates away.

"We could order some to go and then enjoy it at my apartment tonight.." he finished.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Umm, well I have the matinee performance tomorrow so I should probably get a head start on my beauty sleep.." she dwindled off, unsure how long he'd put up with the excuses.

"Oh.." he answered, visibly disappointed, "Well, next time I guess."

"Yeah, definitely," she responded.

She really liked Roger, a lot. He was good-looking in a Richard Gere _Pretty Woman_ era sort of way, super intelligent, super talented, super cultured, and super_ super _famous. He also happened to be head over heels in love with her. But for some reason she just couldn't make herself attracted to him in _that way_. Maybe it was because he was in the same generation of her dads, or maybe because she just hadn't been intimate with anyone in nearly four years, but for some reason when he kissed her, she just didn't feel that spark. His lips were shaped wrong, his height was all off (even though you would have thought that at 5 ft. 10 his height would be well suited to her petite frame, it still just didn't cut it for some reason) and he was a little bit too skinny.

The worst part was, she was afraid that he might have even asked her to marry him because he thought she was saving herself for marriage. Which definitely was not the case.

...

Finn was woken up suddenly by his agent's loud ring tone. Blindly moving his hand around to find the phone, he finally touched it and opened it.

"Hello?" he answered groggily.

"Rise and shine sunshine! Guess who just scored the role of Fiyero in Rob Marshall's upcoming big budget film production of Wicked?"

Finn opened his eyes, the fog of sleep slowly lifting.

"What? Like, the Rob Marshall who directed Chicago?"

"The very Oscar-nominated one."

"But I didn't even try out for that role."

"I know! How great is that. You are now officially the #1 go to musical male lead in this tinsel town! Of course, they want you to do a read and sing through before any contracts are signed, but it's all just for show. They're determined that you, and no one else, star as the male lead in the film."

"Wow.." Finn faltered, Wicked had been the first musical Rachel had taken him too when the broadway cast had toured to Columbus..

"I'm going to assume your lack of words is a good thing and update you on your new schedule. So it's being filmed in New York, and don't worry I've already spoken to the people at Disney, and you don't need to be back in LA until promotion for _My School Musical 2_ starts in two months. Until then, you can go to New York, nab the job, and start on all the pre-production, dance rehearsals, fittings, etc. etc. You'll be given a month off to return here to smile for the cameras, go on Oprah, and travel to some of the big city _My School Musical 2_ premieres, while the filming of all the scenes you won't be in takes place, before you'll return to New York to start shooting the scenes you will be in.."

At this point Finn began to zone out. He'd never been to New York for more than a couple days at a time to promote his films. Last he had heard, not only were Kurt and Rachel living there, but Artie and Tina had just moved there too. Maybe if he got the job, he'd finally have the time to visit the quirky couple again. The warmth that always filled him when he thought of anyone or anything having to do with the old days in Glee Club began to permeate through him.

"..Finn? Did you get that?"

Finn jumped.

"Sorry, what?"

His agent sighed before repeating herself.

"Your flight to New York is tonight at 8 pm. I'll be meeting you at the airport at 5. Don't be late."

Once she hung up, Finn realized that he was literally letting his agent and network executives control every detail of his career and life, and he couldn't even muster up the energy to care.

...

Rachel woke up the next morning feeling fresh and invigorated. Something made her feel as if today was going to be a big day, as if exciting things were in store for her.

While waiting for her waffles to finish toasting, she turned on the TV and flipped to the entertainment channel, curious to see if the photographs snapped of her and Roger the previous night might have made it onto the celebrity news channel.

She sipped her coffee contentedly as her attention drifted in and out of the screen depicting the nasally voiced woman relating the latest scandals.

But she was instantly gripped when one headline made its appearance.

"Trouble in Mickey Mouse Paradise?" the woman began, "Insiders have it on good authority that Disney dream couple Melissa Holloway and Finn Hudson, also known as _Finissa_, are currently on the rocks. Apparently, the sunny blonde is getting fed up with her boyfriend's disaffected attitude and feels as if he is not showering her with enough love and affection. The same insiders also report that Mr. Hudson has been gradually becoming more apathetic and self-destructive. Do we have another scandalous Hollywood downward spiral on our hands? Will things work out for the Disney dream team? Stay tuned into Entertainment All Day to be sure to be kept updated on any status changes in their relationship."

Rachel turned off the TV in a daze. Wow, Finn Hudson was a name she hadn't heard in awhile. She generally avoided celebrity gossip sites and the like, and this had come at her totally out of the blue. However she was pleasantly surprised to realize that her emotional response to the news only consisted of platonic concern for her ex-boyfriend's well being, and nothing more. No clogged throat or instant stomach sickness at his smiling picture on the screen.

_I guess time really is the most effective healer..._

The strangest part was that Finn Hudson didn't even seem real to her anymore. Her memory of him had faded like an old discarded photograph one would put in a cardboard box in the basement, intended to never see the light again. The Finn Hudson that had just been staring at her from a celluloid screen was like something from a dream she had long ago forgotten.

Well maybe not exactly. Okay, so she had still lost her appetite.. but she really _had_ made serious progress though!

_Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day._

Just then, her phone notified her to an incoming text.

**Hey Miss "Tony front-runner"! Just wanted to remind you about Mercedes' album release party tonight at my place. I know you'll be late because of the show, but don't forget!**

Oh dear. Kurt was a savior. She had completely forgotten about the party and definitely would not have made it if he hadn't given her the heads up.

Mercedes had made it onto American Idol all those months ago and had amazingly placed third in the competition. She'd immediately picked up a soul and r&b record deal that was going to be released the very next day. The album was titled 'Dipped in Chocolate'.

**Don't worry I'll be there, and with some Dom Perignon at that! Do you think I should bring Roger?**

He promptly texted back.

**No I do not. I'm pretty sure Mercedes doesn't want any grandpas at the party. See you tonight :P**

Rachel scowled. She knew Kurt disapproved of her relationship but he didn't have to be so rude..

...

Finn yawned as he got into the town car and headed towards his hotel. Red-eye flights were _so_ uncool.

New York City on the other hand, was pretty awesome. Driving through the streets was like navigating oneself through different worlds. The city was like one huge compound of intimidating architecture, bright lights and diversity.

His make-shift sight-seeing was cut short however, when his eyes rested on a massive advertisement for West Side Story, Rachel Berry's two dimensional face smiling down at him from it. His mind immediately began engaging in an internal debate.

_No way. No freaking way. That's a bad idea._

_But come on, you're here right? You might as well see your handiwork.. It is technically all thanks to you that she's made it this far._

_Okay stop telling yourself that just to make yourself feel better. You know Rachel would have made it eventually no matter what._

_Yeah because she's just that good. And man, you haven't heard her voice in so long..._

That was the deal breaker. The memory of her voice was too pure and too exquisite to pass up. 5 minutes later he was at the box office bargaining for a seat for the sold-out matinee performance. It didn't take long. There _were _some perks to being a celebrity after all...

...

"Toniiiiiiiiiiiiigghhtt!"

Rachel finished with a grand vibrato, and soaked in the standing ovation. _This_ was what she lived for. The adoring crowds applauding her endlessly for an outstanding performance...

...

Finn was on his feet, wolf-whistling along with the rest of the audience. He couldn't believe it. Somehow, miraculously, she had gotten better. And he had honestly been in some sort of fantasy dream world for the entire show listening to her.

But as the curtain closed, he realized coming to the see the show had been a mistake. Pain that he had been evading for months with alcohol and partying was now returning to stab his heart, and he knew the only way to lessen it would be to see her again, hear her again.

The conversation of the young couple next to him caught his ear.

"Yeah I'm pretty sure I read on the internet that the cast comes out after the show to the back door to sign autographs, we should totally get one."

"Um hell yeah that girl was smokin.."

The girl slapped her boyfriend on the head before pushing him into the aisle.

Finn felt like slapping him too, objectifying Rachel like that...

He then began to panic as his legs led him to the back door of the stage area, without the consent of his logic.

_Okay Finn deep breaths. It's okay, you're scruff's grown out and you have your hoody on, no one will recognize you, and you'll just take one last look at Rachel before leaving and not looking back._

She was like crack to him.

By the time he had reached the crowd surrounding the roped off back door, he had done a sufficient job of reassuring himself that it would all work out fine. Boy had he been wrong.

He realized his grave error when a young girl who looked about 15 or 16 screamed bloody murder when she looked at him from the other side of the group of people.

"OH MY GOD IT'S FINN FREAKING HUDSON!"

A cacophony of shouts and screams followed as all of the females in a one mile radius began trampling over themselves to try to get closer to him. Scared out of his wits, his rescuers came in the form of the two security guards waiting at the back door for the cast. They thankfully dragged him into the dressing room area of the backstage and prevented any estrogen from following them.

"What were you thinking coming alone to a show like _West Side Story_ in broad daylight_ alone_?" One of the burly guards asked him incredulously.

Finn scrambled to come up with a good excuse for his stupidity..

"I uh.. haven't been in New York that long and uh.. I thought maybe fans here were a little less.. intense."

"Well you thought wrong," the large man admonished, shaking his head to his partner, "actors these days.."

Finn smiled uncertainly.

"Yeah I'm really sorry about that, thanks for coming to the rescue. I'm just going to call my driver to come pick me up and I'll be out of your hair."

"Not so fast!" said the other guard, "My daughters are big fans and they just might kill me if they find out I met you and didn't get an autograph."

Finn laughed before acquiescing to the request.

He was just taking a photo with the two large men, when his eyes spotted something in the periphery of his vision that made his entire body freeze.

Time seemed to literally stand still (or maybe his senses just couldn't compute anything else) as he turned his head to get a better look at the girl with the long dark hair and shocked expression.

Yeah, it was her. Standing a few yards away, and looking more gorgeous than his memories could have possibly done her justice.

"Finn?"


	7. Skimming the Surface

Chapter 7.

**Still May, 2015.**

Rachel could not believe her eyes when she saw Bill and Harry laughing and taking a picture with a tall, dashing and dimpled young man who bore a striking resemblance to a certain ex-boyfriend of hers.

It only took her another split second to realize that the man was, in fact, none other than Finn Hudson.

Why couldn't she move her feet?

_Run away Rachel, run away. You know as soon as he looks at you with those deep brown eyes you're going to disseminate into a totally helpless puddle on the floor and that is not okay. But wait.. what's he even doing here? Is he here to see me? Why would he do that? Nevermind, it doesn't matter, just LEAVE!_

She was just about to access the emergency strength she reserved for occasions like this, when Finn's eyes met hers in a time-stopping moment. She was hypnotized. And he seemed to be too.

Maybe it wasn't too late to run away and hide?

But her voice betrayed her mind's wish.

"Finn?"

Ignoring the security guards' protests he took a couple of wide strides to reach her.

"Hey," he said softly.

She had forgotten how surreally good looking he was. The strong jaw line, the expressive eyes, the lips that looked tailor made for kissing.. He was close enough so that she could smell his familiar aftershave and musky scent. A flood of unsolicited high school memories came rushing back to her. She took a step backwards forcing herself to resist the supernatural magnetic pull this boy had over her.

_Alright Rachel, just think of this as the ultimate final test. If you can get through this without bursting into tears, kicking him in the groin, or getting the urge vomit, you are officially in the clear._

"What are you doing here?" she questioned casually.

She couldn't help but notice how much older he looked, a five o clock shadow framing his thinner and more worldly face. He had lost that innocence she had loved so much.

"I'm in New York for work.. I have a meeting later today, and when I saw that poster of you in Times Square.. I just really wanted to see you in your element again. And, you were seriously amazing Rach, I can honestly say I've never seen or heard anything as brilliant as your voice."

He gave her a sidelong glance and gave her one of his asymmetrical shrugs, "I missed it."

Rachel suppressed the imminent chills that were about to take over her body. His little quirks, his use of her nickname as if nothing had changed.. this boy was no doubt about it going to be the death of her.

"Oh, well, thank you that's very kind. You aren't doing too shabby yourself," she finally managed awkwardly.

Finn laughed nervously.

"Yeah things got really crazy really fast after I left Lima."

She looked at him solemnly.

"I know what you mean.."

His brow immediately furrowed.

"Hey I never really got to apologize to you or explain my actions.."

"Don't-" she cut him off, looking as if someone had just slapped her in the face. "I don't want to hear it. Let's just pretend it never happened. In fact, we can pretend that this never happened. And while we're at it, that 'we' never happened. In all honesty I think it'd be best if you didn't visit me again."

She saw a look of pain flash across his eyes.

"No of course. I didn't mean to surprise you like this.. it just sort of happened. I'm sorry for disturbing your new life, I know I have no place in it."

And with that he turned around abruptly and headed towards the front entrance.

Rachel watched him go, still stuck to that spot on the floor.

_You did it. You handled that with flawless grace and maturity. Congratulations._

So why did she feel so awful? Why was she grimacing as she literally had to glue her feet to the ground to stop herself from racing after him and jumping into his big warm arms for one of those massive bear hugs that still haunted her..

_Because deep scars heal slowly, and his re-introduction into your life just ripped yours wide open._

...

Finn ran towards the alternate exit, and was immediately accosted by waiting fans.

_Shit. _

He ran as quickly as he could and hailed a taxi. Jumping in as girls literally flocked around the car, he breathed a sigh of relief.

"The W Hotel please" he told the taxi driver.

The older Indian man gave him a funny look, before honking a few times to disperse the girls. And Finn was finally left alone to sort through his thoughts.

He could not believe what had just happened. He had never once, in all of his daydreams, imagined the day he and Rachel might meet again to end up like that.

She had been so earth-shatteringly beautiful, how had she gotten so pretty? Like, she had always been beautiful, but now she was stunning and sexy. And apparently a mere one minute conversation with her could still make his heart do those bizarre things only she could get it to do.. as it was now beating a mile a minute.

But she had also been so curt and cold. Her face had looked like some wax mask, totally devoid of emotion. It was the opposite of the warm and bubbly girl he had once known and loved.

He jumped as his phone started ringing to the dulcet tones of his agent's ring tone.** Incoming Call: Janice**. Checking his watch, he realized he was already running twenty minutes late to his meeting.

_Crap._

"Hey," he said turning to taxi driver, "Can you actually scratch that and take me to Miramax studios?"

The man nodded before making a u-turn.

"Hello?" Finn answered the phone apprehensively.

"Where the hell have you been?" his agent yelled at him, "The director and the producers are getting restless, and you do not want to screw this up."

"I'm sorry I'm sorry, I got held up. But I'm on my way and should be there soon."

"Well hurry up before they decide to drop you like a dead fly and scoop some newbie fresh off of Broadway up instead."

Finn leaned his head back on the seat and closed his eyes. Why was his life one stressful encounter after another?

...

But he needn't have worried. His 'audition' went smoothly and without a hitch. They loved him and presented him with the contracts right after he sang 'Dancing Through Life'.

"So.." he began, after signing his name on the 10th sheet of paper, "Have you guys found your Elphaba and Glinda yet?"

The director looked at the producers slyly before answering cryptically.

"We have a pretty good idea of who we want to play Elphaba, and our people are contacting her people today to try to make that happen. Once we've met the girl we're going to call you in to do a screen test with her so we can make sure there's chemistry. Because we're rearranging the script to capitalize a little more on the Fiyero/Elphaba romance, it's really imperative that we get a duo who work well with each other and can bring the steam. And then the audition process for the rest of the cast will begin on Monday. And once we've found our ensemble, we'll start pre-production."

"Sounds good" Finn replied.

He was actually really excited about the movie, for the first time since he had gotten the part in _My School Musical_. This was the real deal, directed by an Oscar nominated director, and could possibly launch his transition into serious acting.

But on the drive back to the hotel, for some reason he couldn't get the chorus of the song they had just asked him to sing.

"Dancing through life

skimming the surface

gliding where turf is smooth

life's more painless

for the brainless

why think too hard?

when it's so soothing

dancing through life

no need to tough it

when you can sluff it off as i do

nothing matters

but knowing nothing matters

it's just life

so keep dancing through..."

Well that's what he was doing right? This shallow, hollow existence was making life easier. But was it really the best way to live?

...

Rachel's heart beat excitedly as she walked through Kurt's apartment greeting everyone at the party while searching for her best friend. She had just received _the most insane news ever_ to help her forget the unexpected trainwreck that had occurred after the matinee performance, and she had to tell Kurt right away.

At last she found him on the patio, catching up with Quinn and Puck.

"Oh my gosh I didn't know you guys were in New York!" Rachel screeched, hugging the beautiful blonde enthusiastically.

Quinn smiled, "That's because we just got here today! Oh my goodness it's so great to see you, how have you been?"

Rachel turned to give Puck a hug too as she answered her.

"I've been pretty amazing. My life's moving so quickly I barely have the time to stop and appreciate it all, but I'm having a stupendous time!"

Puck laughed at this, "Wow, I hate to admit that I might have missed that one of a kind Rachel Berry vocabulary."

Rachel took this as a compliment before asking "How long are you two here for?"

"Just for the weekend," Quinn answered, "Puck brought me along for his cousin's bar mitzvah."

"And _I'm _taking these two to see your show tomorrow night," Kurt contributed, interjecting himself into the conversation again.

"And we're really looking forward to it Rachel. We're so proud of you."

Rachel smiled at Quinn's words.

"Yeah," Puck added on, "How rad is it that only members of Glee club have made it on to McKinley High's wikipedia notable alumni page?"

"I just saw that!" Rachel squealed, "And your name had a spot on that list too Mr. Big-Shot football player! Which reminds me, is Notre Dame still treating you two well?"

She already knew the answer when the faces of her two friends lit up.

"Very much so," Quinn started, "I'm now 99% sure that I want to be a TV journalist. One of my professors say I have the perfect look and speaking voice for it. And Puck's being scouted by the NFL.."

The catching up continued for another few minutes before Tina and Artie showed up to join the coversation.

Rachel smiled at the eccentric couple she had personally dubbed _Artina_. After high school, the two had both decided to go to OSU, but had moved to the city together earlier in the year when Artie had transferred to Columbia to study film production (he had decided his calling was music video production). Tina had decided organized higher education wasn't for her and followed him, and had recently been rewarded by getting a part as a chorus girl in _Hairspray_. Rachel and Kurt had welcomed their old friends with open arms and now the four formed a tight little artistic circle of glee in the city (which was about to get one member bigger now that Mercedes was planning on moving to Brooklyn as well).

Whenever Rachel saw the two of them her heart always warmed a bit. They were just one of those couples that made you believe that maybe all that sappy stuff about true love and soul mates was founded on truth.

"So I brought my extensive karaoke equipment," Artie chirped, "You guys want to give it a go?"

"Umm hell yeahh," Puck answered, "But first I'mma get me a beer,' grabbing Quinn's hand and leading her inside towards the kitchen.

Rachel laughed. "Totally, I just want to tell Kurt something really quickly and then we'll meet you guys there."

Artie and Tina looked at her curiously before heading back into the apartment.

"Wow," Kurt said, looking out towards the city, "It's so weird how much we've all grown up and found such success in such a short span. Three members of our little Glee club are already huge stars, four including Brittany (she had just made the top 20 on _So You Think You Can Dance_) and I've just gotten that internship at Vivienne Westwood..."

His voice trailed off, a trace of nostalgia in his tone.

"Which is all very great and everything, but I do have some pretty BIG news ever to share with you," Rachel said a little insensitively. She was_ not_ one to go down memory lane.

Kurt's ears immediately perked up.

"Hold on to your hat.." Rachel paused for dramatic effect.

"And get ready.. to see your very own Rachel Berry.. on _the big screen_."

Kurt's jaw dropped about three inches.

"Shut up."

Rachel laughed at Kurt's reaction.

"I will not shut up. This is possibly the single most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. I never knew that the course of my life could surpass my dreams by the fresh young age of 22. And that is exactly what seems to be occurring."

"I'm sorry, I don't think it's hit me yet that you're going to be in a _movie_."

"Well don't get too excited, nothing's set in stone yet. But if things go according to plan, then it won't be just any movie, but the cinematic reproduction of _Wicked_."

Kurt's mouth opened unattractively for the second time that day. Rachel smiled even more widely before continuing with her story.

"Apparently, Rob Marshall the director, yes, _the _Rob Marshall, thinks having actors who can legitimately sing is of the utmost importance, so they're recruiting a lot of the cast from the young Broadway crowd. And the producer who spoke with my agent told her that they instantly decided they wanted me for Elphaba. So I'm going into Miramax film studios tomorrow to do a read/sing through and hopefully secure the most epic female vocal part ever! in a movie!"

Kurt managed to swallow his awe to congratulate his best friend.

"I am so incredibly proud of you Rachel. Seriously, you've come so far in such a short period of time. You were obviously born to be a huge star, and I can only hope that when you accept your Tonies and Oscars, you remember your faithful best friend.."

"Well currently you're the third person I'm thanking after my fathers in the family/friends portion I've allocated in most of my acceptance speeches. So don't worry, unless you commit some heinous crime until now and my reception of my future awards, you will most assuredly be thanked."

Kurt laughed loudly. Rachel _would_ already have multiple award acceptance speeches mapped out, some people never changed.

...

Finn lay on his back on the white duvet cover of his hotel bed, his head propped over his forearm, staring aimlessly at the ceiling.

Melissa had been texting and emailing him incessantly. He knew he was going to pay big time for ignoring her for so long, but he just could not bring himself to deal with her at the moment. There were so many other things his mind had to figure out, and throwing her break-up threats into the equation would not help anything.

He closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of the New York City traffic twenty stories below him.

_I'm in New York City. On a Saturday night. And I can't bring myself to get out of bed to do __anything__. _

Just then a beeping started emitting from his phone. Deciding maybe it would just be best to get the relationship fight out of the way now rather than later, he reluctantly sat up and picked up his phone.

**Dude you're missing out on a major Glee reunion in the big apple! Too bad you have better things to do like being fucking famous in LA. **

Finn looked at the text message from Puck. Since when? And why wasn't he invited.

**I just got to NYC this morning for a new project. Where are you guys?**

He was glad he and Puck had remained good friends throughout all of the insanity that had occurred after graduation. It was nice sometimes to be reminded of his Lima roots.

**No kidding! That's fucking awesome man. We're at Kurt's place celebrating Mercedes' album release. Does he not know you're in the city? Well whatever, we're doing karaoke right now and it's epic. The only thing missing is Mr. Schue's freaky rapping.. You should come grace us with your famous ass and sing some Disney pop music for us.**

Finn felt his irritation build. Kurt _did_ know he was in the city, Finn had texted him first thing when he landed to so they could set up a time to catch up. Why wouldn't he have invited him to something as monumental as Mercedes' album release party? That he was _hosting_ no less.

It only took him a second to think of the answer.

_Of course. _She'll_ be there. And she wouldn't want to see me._

Remembering what Rachel had said to him earlier in the day, he had started typing a polite refusal when he paused.

_Wait, why don't I get to see any of my old high school friends just because Rachel doesn't want to see me. Puck and Kurt are the only two I've stayed in touch with, and god damnit I miss the glee club, it'd be awesome to have a little reunion. Rachel's obviously moved on and excommunicating me from the group is just being petty. We're both adults now, if she can't deal with my presence, then _she_ can leave._

Deleting what he had written, he started over.

**Get ready for some ear bleeding cheesiness. I'll be there in 20 minutes.**


	8. Love That's Now Departed

Chapter 8.

_A/N: _

_The songs sung in this chapter are 1) Don't Think Twice, It's Alright by Bob Dylan 2) What Becomes of the Brokenhearted by Jimmy Ruffin, and 3) Moon River by Audrey Hepburn/Henry Mancini/Johnny Mercer. All amazing songs which should definitely be listened to for an enhanced experience of the story. So youtube that shiz :)_

...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

**May, 2015. (20 minutes later).**

"Alright," Artie announced to the group, "And now I think we should reach the climax of the night by inviting our very own Broadway star and soon to be Tony winner up here to to grace us with her 'voice you'd expect to hear when arising into heaven' as I believe the New York Times article wrote."

Rachel smiled in an appropriately modest manner before walking up to relieve Artie of the mike. Musing over the selection, she finally settled on a song she felt oddly compelled to sing. It wasn't something that was typically in her wheelhouse, but for some reason it was begging to be sung.

The music started and she opened her mouth to do what she did best.

...

Finn walked into the overcrowded apartment and scanned the heads of all the people looking for a familiar face. His eyes finally settled on his pale step-brother (the sweater dress was kind of a dead giveaway).

Kurt blanched when he saw the large man approach.

"Wh- What are you doing here. I thought we said we'd meet for brunch _tomorrow_?"

"Yeah, we were. Until Puck informed me about this little impromptu gathering which I seemed to have been purposefully not invited to."

Kurt became even paler, before admitting to the exclusion.

"Fine. I didn't invite you because Rachel's here. Which is why you should go. Like now."

"I don't want to go. I want to congratulate Mercedes on her record deal, I want to talk to Puck about his chances on taking football all the way _in person_ for once, I want to give Artie a high five because I haven't seen him in a really really long time, and I want to.."

"Enough I get the picture okay? But just set up dates with them at another time, why do you have to be here now? I mean, I thought this whole avoiding Rachel thing was working out."

"Maybe it's working out for her but it's not for me. If you haven't noticed I'm going through something of an identity crisis. I have all these people in my life constantly telling me what to do and how to do it and now I'm at the point where I have no notion of who I am anymore. And maybe if I can get closure with Rachel I'd be able to find myself again because I'm tired of being lost."

Kurt's expression changed to one of brotherly sympathy.

"Why didn't you tell me things have been so tough on you?"

"Because I didn't want you to think I was being ungrateful or acting like a cliche poor little famous celebrity."

Kurt gave him another look before consenting.

"Well I guess it'd be okay for you to stay. Maybe Rachel wants some closure too, and so much time has passed I'm almost positive she's moved on."

"I'd hope so considering she's _engaged_."

"You saw that huh?"

"Mhmmm," Finn replied, pursing his lips.

But right as he was about to ask Kurt _where_ Rachel was, a honey-smooth voice answered the question for him.

Turning his head he practically raced through the hallway into the living room to listen to his favorite sound in the entire world.

"_It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe If you don't know by now An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe It'll never do somehow When your rooster crows at the break of dawn Look out your window and I'll be gone You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on Don't think twice, it's all right"_

Finn hid himself in a dark corner as he watched her. Everytime she sung it literally sounded as if she imbued every fiber of her being into the performance. How did she do that?

Her eyes closed as she reached a particularly poignant stanza.

"_It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe _

_That light I never knowed_

_ An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe_

_ I'm on the dark side of the road_

_ But I wish there was somethin' you would do or say_

_ To try and make me change my mind and stay _

_We never did too much talkin' anyway _

_So don't think twice, it's all right_

_It ain't no use in callin' out my name, boy_

_ Like you never done before _

_It ain't no use in callin' out my name, boy_

_ I can't hear you anymore _

_I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' walkin' down the road_

_ I once loved a man, a child I'm told_

_ I gave him my heart but he wanted my soul _

_But don't think twice, it's all right"_

Finn gulped. Why did the lyrics to the song seem eerily relevant?

"_So long honey babe Where I'm bound, I can't tell _

_But goodbye's too good a word, boy_

_ So I'll just say fare thee well _

_I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind _

_You could have done better but I don't mind _

_You just kinda wasted my precious time_

_ But don't think twice, it's all right."_

She opened her eyes to the familiar sound of a round of applause. Bowing gracefully, she exited the little cleared out area in front of the TV and began walking towards him.

Finn took a deep breath and stepped out of his shadow right into her pathway.

...

Rachel jumped in fright before readjusting her eyes to fully absorb the boy who was standing in front of her. The boy who she had just subconsciously been singing to.

"Hey." he said, kind of anticlimactically.

_Oh dear. He expects you to say something back. Okay, think of something clever and indifferent that will make him go away and thereby decrease your risk of getting a heart attack._

"Twice in one day?" she finally managed, "Be careful or I'm going to think you're stalking me."

Finn laughed clumsily before getting straight to the point.

"No I'm here to congratulate Mercedes and see some of the old gang, but.. I'm also here to talk to you. So earlier today was.. uncomfortable, and I really want to clear the air between us. I think it'd be valuable to both of us if we tried to talk about what happened all those years ago and come to a resolution about it all, because there are a lot of things I have to say that I want you to hear.."

Rachel twisted her fingers nervously as he spoke. She could already feel herself re-falling in love with him again just by _looking at him_, and she knew that if he continued with the sweet bumbling speech she'd be in serious trouble. And she just couldn't let herself go down that road again.

"I'm sorry Finn, I don't have time for this. I meant everything I said earlier, I just don't think it'd be a good idea for us to get involved in one another's lives again."

And with that she quickly walked outside to the balcony to light a cigarette (a nasty habit she had recently picked up from Roger, and used occasionally to deal with stress).

...

Finn stood in silence, totally denied. How could she have just walked away like that? When he had acted like an adult and asked for an honest conversation?

He walked dejectedly to the kitchen to pour himself a drink. He had never felt more alone, more rejected, or more hopeless. His eyes squeezed as the burning liquid ran down his throat.

_Why does my life have to be so difficult? Why do I have to be so unsatisfied all the time? I should be the most thankful man on the planet. I'm rich, famous, dating a girl who placed 9th on Maxim's 100 sexiest women.. But I just can't feel complete for some reason.. I'm just so hollow inside and I don't know why..._

He was instantly inspired and just about to go into the living room to put his name on the karaoke list when his thoughts were interrupted by the entrance of Mercedes, Puck, Quinn, and Tina into the kitchen.

"Shut the front door" Mercedes practically yelled, "and tell me that is not Mr. Finn Hudson come back from the dead to party with me!"

Finn put on a fake smile and was swept away into a flurry of "Congratulations on the success," "How have you beens," and "We've missed you's".

Half an hour later, after being introduced and squealed over by everyone at the party, he finally detached himself from the group to do some soul purifying through song.

Walking to the karaoke area, he put his name next on the list, and zeroed in on Rachel sitting with Kurt in the little make-shift audience area.

When it was finally his turn, he stood up and walked towards the mike (he still got stage fright when singing in front of a live audience). The small audience gave a huge round of applause as they realized they were going to get a performance from_ the _Finn Hudson. When the cheering finally died down, the music started playing and he closed his eyes. He was ready to bare himself in front of this room full of practical strangers.

"_As I walk this land of broken dreams_

_ I have visions of many things_

_ But happiness is just an illusion _

_Filled with sadness and confusion_

_ What becomes of the broken hearted _

_Who had love that's now departed _

_I know I've got to find _

_Some kind of peace of mind _

_Maybe_

_The roots of love grow all around_

_ But for me they come a tumblin' down _

_Every day heartaches grow a little stronger_

_ I can't stand this pain much longer_

_I walk in shadows searching for light_

_ Cold and alone n__o comfort in sight _

___Hoping and praying for someone to care_

___ Always moving and going nowhere_

___ What becomes of the broken hearted _

___Who had love that's now departed _

___I know I've got to find _

___Some kind of peace of mind_

___ Help me _

___I'm searching though I don't succeed_

___ But someone look, there's a growing need_

___ All is lost, there's no place for beginning _

___All that's left is an unhappy ending _

___Now what becomes of the broken-hearted _

___Who had love that's now departed_

___ I know I've got to find _

___Some kind of peace of mind _

___I'll be searching everywhere_

___ Just to find someone to care_

___ I'll be looking everyday_

___ I know I'm gonna find a way _

___Nothing's gonna stop me now _

___I'll find a way somehow _

___I'll be searching everywhere..._"

He opened his eyes to a deafening applause, and to see Rachel hurrying away to the hallway. He brushed off the people swiftly approaching him to follow her.

She was grabbing her coat.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Leaving," she answered, sounding angry "I thought I asked you to stay out of my life. Please respect my wishes."

He grabbed her arm as she turned to leave and made her face him. He could feel her racing pulse.

"I can't let you do that. We need to talk. If you ask me to leave after you hear me out I promise I'll never bother you again. But I need you to listen to me."

She was avoiding his eyes. Looking at the floor, she finally answered with a childish "Fine."

But now he didn't know where to start.

"Well for starters, don't you at least think it's weird that we coincidentally met twice in one day after not seeing each other for four years?"

"I wouldn't categorize your showing up backstage at my show or crashing a party you knew I'd be attending as coincidences," she retorted stubbornly, still refusing to look at him.

His voice rose a little, overtly frustrated, "First of all, I already told you that the whole thing earlier today was an accident. Secondly, I'm_ sorry _I wanted to see some of my oldest friends when I got the chance. And fine, I guess the better word would have been_ opportunistically_."

She stared at him obstinately before crossing her arms.

He responded to her silence by blowing up again.

"Jesus Rachel! Why does it have to be this way? I mean, you've obviously moved on, I mean you're engaged for Christ's sake! And I have a girlfriend, so why do you have to complicate things by refusing to be in the same room with me?"

"Well why is it that Mr. High and Mighty Hollywood Star suddenly wants to reconnect with his old Glee club friends?" she fired back "It's not as if you've been calling Mercedes or Artie up every week to keep in touch either, yet you just barged back into all of our lives _now_ claiming to want to be best friends again? I'm sorry if I'm confused."

"Alright fine! I wanted to start a life outside of Lima okay? Kill me for me not wanting to end up like every other McKinley High quarterback pumping gas at the SuperMart! But how can you be so judgmental when you have no idea what my life is like now, how time-consuming and energy-depleting acting is, or how soul-sucking the entertainment industry is. Not only do I work 16 hour days filming and singing for every teenie bopper film my agent tells me to do, but I also have to do promotion, interviews, and I can't even leave my house without a disguise on or else I'll be swarmed by masses of fans."

"Oh boo hoo red carpets, high profile interviews, and adoring fans.. I definitely see how hard life must be for you. And I mean really Finn? If you dislike it so much why are you still doing it?"

Finn looked at her oddly, before sighing in defeat.

"I honestly can't remember anymore."

"Well I'm sorry if things haven't turned out the way you planned for them to Finn, but I just can't put everything that happened behind us to start a friendship. Frankly, we have too much history and I just can't deal with it."

"So basically you're saying you're never going to give me a chance to explain why I did what I did all those years ago and that there's no way you'd ever want to try to work through our issues to become friends again? Like no chance, zip, zilch, never?"

"Never."

...

She turned around and left before she could see his reaction. She_ had _to do this, she reminded herself, to protect her heart.

...

Finn watched her walk out the door feeling as if someone had just punched him in the gut. He went to the kitchen to pour himself another strong drink before secluding himself in a dark unused bedroom to nurse it. The shrill karaoke tunes of someone who had definitely not been in Glee club hurt his ears as they seeped into the dark room.

He began to think about the deja vu he had experienced when she had said that one word; "never."

It came to him in a breeze of checkered picnic cloths, wicker baskets and auditorium lights. He laughed out loud at the bitter irony of it all.

_Wow, she probably doesn't even remember that she just broke her promise in the loudest way possible._

_..._

**March 2010 (5 years earlier).**

"I said no peeking!"

Finn re-secured the blindfold over Rachel's head while he led her by the hand down the dark hallway. He pinched her lightly on the arm to make sure she wouldn't try it again.

"Hey!" she shrieked, "I just had dust in my eyes."

He laughed loudly, "Wow Rach, you really think I'm _that_ gullible.."

She gave him one of her endearingly obnoxious sighs before admitting, "Okay fine I peeked, but I don't like not being able to see where I'm going or having no idea where I am or relinquishing control of a situation.."

He cut her off by turning around to capture her lips in a soft kiss.

"Don't you trust me?" he asked softly.

"Yes." She replied, pacified.

"Well let's hurry this up then," he said, scooping her up to jog the rest of the way towards the auditorium.

When they finally got there, he put her down and untied her blindfold. He laughed at the awe on Rachel's face as she looked down at the red checkered table cloth, picnic basket, and plastic airplane cups.

"You recreated our first sort of date."

"Yup," he said, grabbing her hand to lead her further onto the stage, "I seriously messed that up, so I was thinking we could replace that memory with this new one.. So happy one year anniversary," he finished kissing her on the cheek.

"Finn, this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. I wish you had asked me for something better than a song because now my anniversary present seems to pale in comparison."

He put her hands on her hips to bring her waist closer to him as he looked down at her.

"I asked you for a song because there's nothing on this planet I love more than your voice, and when your singing is directed to me.. it's out of this world. So that's without a doubt the best gift you could ever give me and one I'll never be able to measure up to."

Rachel smiled up at him and kissed him deeply.

"Alright," she whispered, breaking the kiss and walking towards the piano, "Well I might as well give it to you now. And I want you to listen to the lyrics carefully because I mean every word okay? I even changed one of the words to make it _super _applicable."

Finn laughed as he sat back down on the checkered cloth, and watched intently as she began to play the simple and pretty melody.

"_Moon River, wider than a mile,_

_ I'm crossing you in style some day._

_ Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,_

_ wherever you're going I'm going your way. _

_Two drifters off to see the world._

_ There's such a lot of world to see. _

_We're after the same rainbow's end-_

_ waiting 'round the bend, my huckleberry __Finn__,_

_ Moon River and me._"

Finn let go of his breath. He hadn't realized he had been holding it.

Rachel finished the short song and returned to him, cuddling into his chest.

"So what'd you think?" she asked.

Finn sighed sadly before replying, "There's nothing in the world I'd like more than to drift around the world with you Rach, to chase after our rainbow's ends together. But sometimes I wonder if_ you'll_ always want to, and that scares me."

"What are you talking about? That doesn't make any sense. We're always talking about our future on Broadway, so of course that's_ always_ what I'm going to want to do. Chase after my broadway dreams, _with you_."

"I know you say that now.. But truthfully, I'm always worrying that one day you're going to wake up and realize what a deadbeat I am. That you're going to get all disillusioned-"

He paused at the shock on Rachel's face.

"Yeah I've been studying those SAT flash cards you made me" he explained with a sheepish grin, before continuing,

"But yeah I've always been afraid that you're going to see me for the Lima loser I really am, and freak out that you're wasting all of your talented, beautiful, amazing self on such a nobody who's going nowhere. And I keep waiting for that day, worrying about it and psyching myself out about what I'm going to do when I don't have you by my side anymore, when you don't want to be in my life anymore and you leave me forever."

Rachel gave him a very serious look, before cupping his face gently in her small hands.

"Okay Finn. First of all, I need you to understand that I love you more than anything in the entire world. And I mean that, even more than myself..."

Wow, that _was_ a lot.

"Secondly, I'm tired of all the self-depreciation going on in your head. You need to get it through that thick skull of yours that not only do you have the kindest heart and cutest smile and most heart-swooning male singing voice I've ever heard (although I might be biased), you're also a leader Finn, just like I've always told you. I _know_, I can feel it in my very bones, that you're going to do great things and reach a lot of people with whatever you decide to do with your life. And lastly? Finn, you might be clinically insane if you honestly have any doubts about my eternally indubitable feelings for you. I love you. And nothing you or I do, or the world throws at us, will ever change that. I'll love you forever."

"You promise? Like, no matter what happens in forever, you'll love me and stick with me forever forever?"

"Forever."


	9. Just For This Moment

Chapter 9.

**Still May, 2015.**

Finn looked down at the the phone in his hand and took a deep breath. He had just enjoyed a humongous breakfast burrito (even though it was past lunch time) provided by the hotel's room service and was now manning up to the fact that he needed to call his girlfriend. He unwillingly dialed the number and prepared himself for some verbal abuse.

"Where the hell have you been? You better have a really good excuse for ignoring my calls for the past two days or we are done! And I mean it! Do you know how embarrassing it is to have to call your boyfriend's agent to find out where he is? Only to learn that he's taken a flight to the opposite side of the country without even texting you a simple goodbye? I'm so sick and tired of having to deal with your annoying mood swings. You know I'm not just some trophy girlfriend to hang on your arm and smile for the cameras and call up for a booty call whenever the urge so finds you, I'm actually a person with actual feelings and if you don't start apologizing within the next thirty seconds I swear.."

Finn felt the guilt knot up in his stomach. What was he doing? His mom had taught him to treat girls better than this...

"I know I know, I'm really sorry. But Janice had to whisk me off to New York for this really huge possible movie deal like, right away. And I was going to call you right when I arrived before I realized I had accidentally packed my phone in my check-in luggage which was sent to the hotel before I got there because I had to meet with the studio as soon as I got off the plane. And then the audition lasted for so long that by the time I got back to the hotel I was so exhausted I just passed out with my clothes still on."

He crossed his fingers, hoping she would buy it.

"Fine, whatever. But even if I believed you, what's your excuse for ditching me at the wrap party huh?"

Oh shit. He had totally forgotten about that.

"I was just so tired that night and I knew you had friends there to give you a ride and I texted you but I guess you must not have gotten it?"

He was lying through his teeth. And she knew it as she remained silent on the other end of the line.

"Melissa, I know I've been kind of difficult lately and I'm sorry about that. But I'm going to be in New York for two months, so maybe it will be good for us to spend some time apart.."

"No. There is no way that _you're_ going to break up with_ me _after all the shit you've just pulled. We're done when I say we're done. And you know what? I've been meaning to go on a vacation after the back to back jobs I've been working, and New York might just be the perfect location."

_Oh you've got to be kidding me..._

"Do you honestly think that's the best idea?"

"Yes I do," her voice softened a little, "We need to fix this. I don't know what's been going on with you lately but I miss you. I'll probably get there in a couple weeks because I have those two charity events I've already RSVP'd to, so until then I recommend you work out whatever issues you've been going through so we can go back to normal."

Finn gave up, "Fine, whatever."

"I'm glad we talked this out. I'll call you again tomorrow to update you with my travel schedule. I love you boo."

_You mean you're glad _you_ talked this out. _

"Yeah you too."

And with that he hung up the phone.

Christ, why was he such a pansy? He had literally had relinquished control of every aspect of his life to various people. Janice conducted his career while Melissa organized his personal life, and he willingly let them because it was just easier that way. It was sickening. And his recent break-down wasn't actually recent, it was just like the removing of a facade. He was just tired of faking happiness when he had none.

His phone started ringing. Groaning he snapped it open irritatedly, "What now?"

"Umm.. Mr. Hudson?"

Oh crap, definitely not Melissa. He smoothed out the aggravation from his voice.

"Oh sorry about that I thought this was someone else. How can I help you?"

"It's Sylvia, Rob Marshall's secretary? Mr. Marshall would like to know if you're available come into the studio now to read with a possible Elphaba candidate."

"Yeah of course I can be there in half an hour."

"Fantastic. We look forward to seeing you and having you meet her."

Grateful to have something to do, Finn quickly hopped off the bed and ran to the shower to get ready.

...

Rachel was ecstatic. The audition had been going flawlessly and now they were calling up the actor that had been cast as Fiyero to assess the chemistry they'd have together.

She chatted with one of the producers as they waited for the mystery actor's arrival.

"So do I know who this guy is? I mean have I heard of him because he's famous? Or is he from Broadway like me? Because I might be familiar with him if that's the case as well.."

The older woman laughed at Rachel's relentlessly upbeat conversation skills (people often didn't know how to handle such a vivacious, passionate, and high-energy young woman).

"No this kid's been hand picked straight from Hollywood," she finally answered, "and he's quite famous so yes, you probably know who he is. Unless you've been living in a cave for the past few years.."

Rachel's nerves began to jitter. She might be doing a movie with a real life Hollywood movie star!

_But can this mystery guy sing? I mean how many male screen actors have a decent singing ability.. _

That's when the puzzle pieces began fitting themselves together and a really _really_ awful thought occurred to her.

_Wait a second..._

Her fear was validated when she looked up to see 6 feet and 3 inches of pure charm and good looks walk through the door.

_This is_ not _happening._

She sat immobile in her seat, watching him shake hands with the gathered casting team as if they were all good buddies. And then he noticed her.

Rachel just sat there staring at him as he furrowed his brow in confusion before Rob led him towards her.

She got up uncertainly as they approached, still trying to comprehend that her entire film career depended on her making out with Finn Hudson.

"Rachel Berry, meet our Fiyero, Finn Hudson, Finn Hudson meet our hopeful Elphaba, Rachel Berry." said Rob, making the appropriate introduction.

Finn put out his hand to shake hers, still silent, still shocked.

Rachel squeezed it lightly without saying a word, before dropping it quickly.

This was the third time his presence had rendered her speechless in the past 24 hours. She silently cursed the heavens, someone up there _really_ got a kick out of giving her a hard time.

Rob looked from one to the other a couple times before asking, "Am I missing something?"

"Umm.. we sort of already know each other," Finn finally answered.

"Ohhhkay, well normally I'd say that would make this screen test less awkward but for some reason I don't think that's going to be the case here.. But anyways, for this scene, we want you guys to sing 'As Long As Your Mine' and finish it with a kiss. And interact while you're singing," he continued, handing them sheets of paper, "dance, caress, whatever, but we need to feel the chemistry. Now," he clapped his hands together, "let's see if you two can heat this place up."

Rachel looked down at the sheet of paper in her hand.

_This is just peachy._

...

Finn gulped conspicuously as Rachel began singing the first lines of the song.

"_Kiss me too fiercely_

_hold me too tight,_

_I need help believing_

_you're with me tonight,_

_my wildest dreamings _

_could not foresee_

_lying beside you_

_with you wanting me._

_Just for this moment _

_as long as you're mine _

_I've lost all resistance_

_and crossed some borderline_

_and if it turns out _

_it's over too fast_

_I'll make every last moment last_

_as long as you're mine."_

Finn watched her hand as she lifted it up to reach him in a long fluid motion, a piece of impromptu choreography they had rehearsed millions of times for Glee. Had it been a reflex? He smiled before reaching his hand up towards hers. It was just like old times.

He had to admit he was pretty impressed by her acting skills. She must really want this job if she was suspending her hatred of him to pretend (and very believably he might add) that she was very much in love with his character. He met her gaze intensely as he opened his mouth to sing.

"_Maybe I'm brainless_

_maybe I'm wise,_

_but you've got me seeing_

_through different eyes._

_Somehow I've fallen_

_under your spell_

_and somehow I'm feeling _

_it's up that I fell."_

He closed the gap between them and took her hand as together they began in unison,

"_Every moment_

_as long as you're mine_

_I'll wake up my body_

_and make up for lost time."_

Their voices overlapped in perfect harmony to create that glorious sound that hadn't been made in almost four years.

Finn lowered his head and bridged the space between them, clasping both her hands, to lean his forehead on hers. He closed his eyes as he began again,

"_Say there's no future_

_for us as a pair.."_

He reoriented himself behind her so he could wrap his arms around her to hold her body against his. Their voices joined again as Rachel lifted her profile to look into his eyes and sing directly to him.

"_And though I may know_

_I don't care..."_

Finn felt his heart fill up with an emotion he hadn't felt in a long time as he continued singing with her. Even though everything in his life was currently crumbling before his very eyes, right now, at this moment, he was happy. As if being apart of something special made him special too.

"_Just for this moment_

_as long as you're mine_

_come be how you want to be_

_and see how bright we shine._

_Borrow the moonlight_

_until it is throuuugh_

_and know I'll be here holding you_

_as long as you're miiiiine."_

He had missed singing with Rachel. This was it._ This_ is what had been missing from his life. And for the first time in his recent sorry life, he finally felt he was where he belonged.

...

Rachel held out the last note with Finn, stopping at the exact same point he did. Just like they had used to do it. Mr. Schue had always marveled at how musically in tune they were with each other.

_And now for the moment of truth_.

She felt her heart beat go into a frenzy as she saw that familiar look of intensity flash behind Finn's eyes as he slowly leaned his head down towards hers, putting his hand on her waist to pull her closer.

She closed her eyes and waited, refusing to let herself get into it. But the instant their mouths connected an electric pulse seemed to beat throughout the room.

All coherent thought left the building as Rachel wrapped her arms around Finn's neck pushing her body closer into his. The only thing that mattered at that moment was the feel of his big strong body holding hers, the sweet taste of his soft lips that fit so perfectly and moved so fluidly with hers...

And then it all came rushing back to her. There were people in the room. Finn was a jackass.

She broke apart from the kiss suddenly. Finn creased his brow and stretched his neck lower awkwardly so his lips could minimize the loss of contact.

...

_F-bomb. What in the world did I just do?_

The room was silent.

"Wow.." Rob finally uttered, "Just.. Wow."

Was wow a good thing or a bad thing?

One of the producers laughed before noting "You know you've got something great if you can render Rob Marshall speechless."

"No really though, that was magical guys. I don't know what kind of history you two have, but I do know that your futures are going to involve, and that is you two as the titular characters of this film. Sylvia," Rob called, "Draw up the contracts for Miss Berry here, we've found our two leads."

Wow had been right, that kiss had been pretty damn powerful. It had stirred something in him, something he had thought he wasn't capable of feeling anymore. He always knew his love for her had been buried and not destroyed, but he hadn't known it'd be so easy to revive. And that kiss.. had definitely just dug it up and brought it back to the surface.

She had made him feel alive again.

He waited nervously next to Rachel as Rob's assistant when to draw up the documents.

"So..." he started lamely.

He sneaked a peek at her and saw her straightening her skirt tidily while fixing her hair. Uh Oh, he knew what this meant, this was Rachel Berry preparing to go into 'professional mode'.

"Well Finn, since the universe seems determined to cross our paths again, I guess we have no other option than to put our troubled past behind us and move forward as friends. I for one, apologize for overreacting last night, but your reappearance in my life just gave me a bit of shock. I've enjoyed a full 8 hours of sleep between then and now and thus have gained a more reasonable attitude towards this whole situation. We'll obviously be working with each other for a few months, and I hope we can each put our hardest work and best professionalism into the project so as to create something really great. I for one, want to do justice to the epic Broadway show that is Wicked and hope you feel the same way."

"Ermm.. yeah, totally."

Why couldn't he think of anything to say? Why did he suddenly feel as if he was 16 again, at a total loss for words?

"So how about that talk then.. you know, because last night, I said I had some stuff to say to you.."

Rachel raised her palm to stop him.

"Finn, let's just get one thing straight. My career is the single most important thing in the world to me, and if I have to overcome some personal obstacles to further it? So be it. But there's still a difference between being friends and talking about our embarrassing pasts that I'm sure neither one of us really wants to revisit. So sure, we can talk, but I don't want to have _that_ talk."

And he knew Rachel Berry well enough to realize she really wasn't going to give him the time of day if he kept bringing it up. So he dropped it. But maybe if they really could become friends, one day he'd be able to tell her why he'd broken up with her, and ask for her forgiveness.

He felt a light bulb go off in his head.

"Alright I have an idea."

She gave him a skeptical look, recognizing his face expression;

"I'm really not in the mood to go bowling Finn."

"Hey!" he laughed, "First of all, that wasn't what I was going to say, and secondly, bowling is both fun and therapeutic and a good cure for any situation."

Rachel smiled, "Yeah, I remember. But I never actually found bowling that fun or therapeutic, but only told you I did because I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

She was full on laughing now.

The fuzzy feeling he always used to get when he made Rachel smile that infamous toothy smile returned. He wanted to make her laugh again, "Or maybe we should just elope instead?"

The laughs instantly vanished.

Uh oh, maybe that had been a lot funnier in his head. He raised his hands up in the air in preemptive surrender.

"Sorry, sorry, bad joke.."

Rachel remained silent.

"Okay, what I _was_ going to say was that.. we should start over."

"What do you mean?"

He held out his arm to her before saying, "Hi Rachel Berry, I'm Finn Hudson, yeah I know you've probably heard of me, but don't listen to the rumors, I'm really not that much of a big-headed insufferable prat. It's nice to meet you."

Rachel giggled before shaking his hand and saying "The pleasure is all mine."

A tingling began to course through his body at the feel of her soft small hand in his oversized one. He couldn't help but feel a bit giddy at the contact.

He knew that they were both in relationships, and that he'd never get the chance to be with her the way he wanted again, but he still felt ridiculously happy.

Maybe a fresh start was just what he needed.


	10. Play Along with the Charade

Chapter 10.

_A/N: _

_I realized I haven't really put up a disclaimer yet so here I go- I do not own Glee or anything Glee-related. All of the characters, etc. are the property of Ryan Murphy &co. and Fox (and this applies to every chapter in this fanfic). _

_Also, the "secretly smart" comment Rachel makes was borrowed from an Entertainment Weekly Glee review:)_

_..._

**Early June, 2015. (2 weeks later).**

"Seriously Finn stop you're giving me stomach cramps!" Rachel said through laughs at the goofy manchild in front of her who had been discreetly (and atrociously) juggling grapes under the table.

The two were at lunch, and surprisingly their whole friendship deal was working out. Maybe it was because they had established such a solid foundation as friends in high school, but they had somehow successfully reverted back to that comfortable friends-only dynamic.

Granted, the audition kiss had shaken Rachel up a whole lot more than she'd like to admit. But she had insisted to herself that her reaction had been perfectly merited considering the copious amounts of sentimental history the two shared. Plus she had come to terms with the fact that Finn Hudson was kind of undeniably charming, and only a lesbian could possibly resist that face.

"So," started Finn, getting serious again, "you're going to film this while still performing in West Side Story. How's that going to work?"

"Well they've scheduled most of my rehearsal, recording, and shooting times during the day so I can still perform on nights and weekends. I mean yeah my understudy will be getting a few more chances in the spotlight, but I just can't leave the show after only being on it for 2 and a half months. Plus I have a contract AND it's my Tony nominated role.. but at the same time I can't really miss out on this opportunity either right? So I'll just get like 3 hours of sleep a night for a few months, but it's nothing I can't handle."

"I guess.. It just seems like you're putting a little too much on your plate."

He was worried about her.

"Well my work is my life. I can't even imagine stopping."

"Yeah well one one level I can relate to that.. I know what it's like to live life at a really fast pace. So fast that you don't even really have to think about it. It's like putting your body on autopilot or something."

Rachel studied the large man in front of her, his eyes unfocused on some ambiguity in the distance.

Finn had never been the sharpest tool in the box. He wasn't actually stupid or anything, but he was just an inherently simple guy. But his simplistic perception of the world gave him this stripped down insight of the world. He saw things for the core of what they really were.

Rachel had used to call him secretly smart.

"Yeah I guess so," she continued, "Have you ever seen the movie _Imitation of Life_?"

"Nope, never even heard of it. What's it about?"

"Oh, well it's a classic from the 50's about a woman whose dream is to be a Broadway actress. But she essentially exchanges fame and stardom for her relationships, because her career ends up making her lose the people in her life that mean the most to her."

Finn looked at her significantly.

"Anyways," she said, brushing the meaningful look aside, "There's this one part where the woman is talking to her best friend/maid, and the maid asks her if her boyfriend, a playwright, ever stops moving, and her answer is that 'he can't, because if he did he'd be sure to see how sad his life really is,'."

There was a heavy silence between the two as they mulled those words over.

"And that's all that acting really is isn't it?" added Finn, "An imitation of life. It's not real, but we're so immersed in worlds of fantasy that we kid ourselves into thinking it is... Maybe we should have watched that movie before we both got swept down this vocational road that doomed us to these empty existences..."

Another silence.

Rachel laughed guiltily, "Look at us. Two stars with bright futures and the world at their fingertips feeling sorry for themselves over some philosophical nonsense."

"Mmm" Finn added, still lost in thought.

Time to change the subject..

"I can't believe we're beginning dance rehearsals next week," she noted randomly, "It still hasn't hit me that I'm going to be in an actual film."

Finn laughed, "The novelty wears out after awhile. But don't worry, if you need any advice with anything I've got your back."

She smiled, he was enjoying this.

"I must say," she ventured, "I'm looking forward to see if your dance moves have improved at all. I mean, you looked pretty good on the TV screen but you guys get a lot of takes to capture the perfect shots right?"

"I'll have you know that that I was forced to attend rigorous dancing lessons. So I'd hope that my dancing improved after those."

"I guess I'll be the judge. You still _seem _to have two left feet."

"Hey!" he cried, giving her that trademark lopsided smile of his.

_The butterflies in your stomach are just nerves from the upcoming start of your first film Rachel.. nothing more. You're engaged to a musical genius who worships you.._

"Well," Rachel looked at her watch, "We'd better get going. We finished eating over half an hour ago and I think the employees here are getting exasperated at our lingering."

They both glanced over at their waitress. Yeah that was definitely a sour expression on her face.

Rachel leaned over to whisper, "I don't think they recognize us."

Finn burst our laughing, "Yeah I'm pretty sure your head scarf and bug eye sunglasses made sure of that."

She realized he was making fun of her disguise.

"Don't pretend that you have that beanie covering half your face just because its cold outside, we both know it'd be best not to be seen in public together."

"I'm laughing at your _choice_ of disguise," he corrected, "it's so Rachel Berry."

"Well considering you've only known this Rachel Berry for about two weeks, I'd pause before making such authoritative presumptions."

"Touche," he grinned, mocking the accompanying fencing movement exaggeratedly.

Rachel smiled at him as they walked out of the restaurant.

They were bombarded with a flurry of photographers the instant they stepped out of the restaurant. They had been too absorbed in their flirtation to notice.

"Finn! Finn! Over here! Is this why Melissa broke up with you? Because you cheated on her with a broadway star!"

"Rachel! Rachel! What does Roger think about your rendezvous with Finn?"

"Be honest! Are you two sleeping together?"

She was immediately overwhelmed. Finn held her tight and blocked her from the photographers.

"Back off!" he yelled angrily, almost getting violent, "Can't you tell she's scared? We're doing a movie together, now BACK OFF!"

Pushing through them he ran with her until they finally lost the nosy photographers by veering into a secluded alley way.

Rachel collapsed against the wall, falling to her knees. She was hyperventilating.

"Are you okay?" Finn asked concernedly, leaning down to sit down next to her.

"Yeah I'll be fine.. just give me a minute," she gasped.

He wrapped his arm around her protectively.

"I can't believe they'd crowd a woman like that.."

"Is it always like that for you?" She asked, turning her head to look at him.

"Yeah, sometimes it's actually worse. It's hard to deal with, but you get used to it after awhile."

"That's awful," she breathed, the sympathy building as she comprehended for the first time how hard Finn really had it. His eyes often looked so much sadder than those of the Lima boy she had dated all those years ago.

She suddenly realized how close they were. Their faces were separated by mere inches, and she couldn't help her eyes from wandering down to his lips.

...

Finn felt his heart rate hitch.

_Did she just give my lips a seriously lustful look? No way stop imagining things._

However he couldn't stop himself from stealing a glance down at her full cherry red ones. All of his senses suddenly seemed to amplify; the contact of his arm around her shoulders started burning, the smell of her light perfume (different from the scent she had used to wear) filtered into his nostrils, and he watched mesmerized as her chin lifted a fraction of an inch and her hooded eyes moved to meet his with a concentrated look in them.

_Don't do it don't do it don't do it. She's engaged.. you have a girlfriend.. things have just started getting normal again,_ you're_ just getting normal again.. and now you're about to screw it up all because of your stupid feelings that just won't go away.._

He brought his face closer to hers agonizingly slowly. Even though he had no self-discipline whatsoever, he was going to give her every opportunity to turn her head and reject him.

But she wasn't moving, just looking up at him seriously.

And that's when...

_Don't cry for me argentinaaa._

They both jumped apart in fright at the sound of Rachel's ring tone.

"And that would be Roger. My fiancee."

She sounded as if she was trying to convince herself of something.

Finn watched as she bounced up to answer the phone, walking away from him. He groaned and let the back of his head fall against the brick wall.

_What the fuck just happened? Did Rachel and I almost just kiss? And if so, what does that mean? Could she still have feelings for me? Could she maybe forgive me for my actions after graduation if she learned the whole story? Could we possibly give 'us' another chance?_

He strained his ears to catch some of Rachel's hushed voice. He needed a clue to help illuminate what the hell was going on between them.

"I am so so sorry but I was at lunch with a friend and we completely lost track of time... Yes I'll be there as soon as I can.. Love you too."

Finn felt his stomach lurch at her final words.

He got up back to his feet as she hurried back towards him.

"I'm really sorry Finn but I have to go, I completely forgot about this meeting with Roger's parents and the wedding planner, they're pressuring us to set a date and, and... wait why am I telling you all this? It doesn't matter, anyways, I'll see you on Sunday for the cast meet and greet okay? Thanks for lunch!"

And with that she was running towards the chaotic street to catch a cab.

So she was going to pretend that this never happened too? All the hopes that had been previously been bubbling up in him burst momentously.

_Don't be an imbecile. Rachel's getting married to one of the most creatively revered icons of the 21st century, why would she still be interested in a doofus like you?_

He sighed defeatedly and turned around to start banging his head against the wall. The past 2 weeks had just been so awesome. Being with Rachel had helped him remember the Finn he had used to be. The more carefree, simple, fun-loving, good-natured guy who wasn't bogged down by meaningless expectations and agents and annoying girlfriends- when he had just been himself.

Rachel had always just brought out the best in him. So if she wanted to pretend that there wasn't some serious unresolved sexual tension between them, he'd play along with the charade, because it was better than not having her in his life at all.

...

Rachel stared at the white haired couple talking incessantly in front of her. She was having an out of body experience. Everything seemed to be in slow motion, and her ears weren't working properly (her mind was thinking too loudly).

She couldn't help but feel like she was underwater as she watched the mouths of the old man and woman in front of her make odd shapes.

So she was startled when Roger put his arm around and gave her a little squeeze, bringing her back to earth.

"So what do you say?"

Uh oh. Rachel smiled apologetically, "Sorry I didn't catch that, what do I say to what?"

Her three companions gave her a funny look.

"A summer wedding!" Roger finally answered, "This August? On the Hamptons at my parents' estate? Like we've been discussing for the past fifteen minutes.."

Rachel gulped.

"This August as in only two months away August?"

"Yes! We know we'll have to rush things, but let's face it, my family and I are very well connected and we'll be able to pull all the strings we need to make it just as big and magnificent as I know you'll want it."

"Wa wa wa wa wait, not so fast. This next half year is going to be the busiest of my life Roger, how the hell am I supposed to plan a wedding and get married while simultaneously performing in a Broadway show every night and filming and preparing and recording songs for a movie? There's no way we can get married in August!"

Roger wasn't so easily thwarted.

"But my mom just said she and my sisters can plan the whole thing out and organize everything. All you have to do is show up if that's what you want, and we can save the honeymoon until you find time for a break.."

"No. The answer is no. And I don't appreciate you pressuring me to do this Roger. We've hardly been engaged for a month and this is moving way too fast for my liking. If you don't mind, I have a show to get ready for so I'm leaving."

She nodded a quick goodbye to Roger's parents before rushing out of the Upper East Side pent house. She held in a fed-up sigh as she heard Roger's footsteps race after her.

"Rachel that was rude. I can tell something else is up, what's going on?"

She avoided his eyes, staring at her feet instead, and crossing her arms defensively.

"Nothing. I'm just really stressed, and this is a pretty pivotal moment of my career and being on the brink of international stardom is just weighing down on me okay? And your wanting to add to that stress by getting married like, tomorrow, is not helping."

He rubbed her arms in a manner that seemed to wish to be comforting, but was just uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry Rachel, but, you can't blame me for wanting to get married as soon as possible with your.. your unconventional views on pre-marital sex..."

Rachel groaned exasperatedly, was he really going to bring this up _now_?

"Okay let's just clear one thing up first. I'm not a virgin, I've just been celibate for four years because a) I think abstaining from sex and those baser human animalistic instincts strengthens me as both a feminist and a cognitively empowered individual, b) channeling all that sexual energy towards my ambition has, as you might have noticed, proved quite effective, and c) being celibate so long has made me nervous about revisiting that aspect of myself and I just wanted to wait until I knew I was ready again okay? And fast-forwarding the time until our wedding date is not going to help me prepare myself."

Roger looked at her sympathetically.

_Why does he have to be so god damn understanding and perfect _all the time_?_

"I'm sorry Rachel I didn't mean to pressure you. We can wait to sleep together and get married for as long as you want."

Rachel kissed him lightly on the lips before removing his arms from around her.

"Thank you, but I really do have to go now. We can talk more about this tomorrow."

She turned around and walked swiftly away. She couldn't help the tears that began bimming around her eyelashes.

_What would your fiancee do if he knew you almost kissed the only boy you've ever slept with an hour ago? What would he do if he knew that the real reason you can't bring yourself to do it again is because you can't imagine sleeping with anyone besides an oversized Ohio show choir quarterback? Why are you such a terrible person?_

Deep down she knew couldn't keep the act up forever, sooner or later she was going to have to stop with the phoniness and confront the fact that she and Finn Hudson hadn't just met, but had in fact been each other's first loves, and that she possibly hadn't fully gotten over that first love quite yet.

...

**(The next morning.)**

Finn pulled the pillow over his head.

_What in all that is good and holy is making that god-awful noise before dawn?_

It took him another thirty seconds to realize someone was knocking on his door, no scratch that, _pounding_ on his door.

He grunted, supremely annoyed, before forcing himself to get out of bed to see what all the commotion was about. He was not so pleasantly surprised when he opened the door to find a skinny tan blonde with about 4000 pounds of luggage lunge into his arms.

"Baby I missed you sooooo much!"

She instantly began lathering him wet kisses.

"Melissa," he shoved her off, "It's way too early for that. What are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming up until next Sunday?"

"Well I was," she started innocently, walking into the suite while he heaved her bags in after her, "until I saw those disturbing pictures of you and that disgusting looking miniature Broadway creature yesterday. Now don't worry baby, Janice explained to me that she'll be in Wicked with you. And I mean honestly, no explanation was even necessary, like I'd believe you'd cheat on me with something with that big of a honker, but we've got to keep up appearances honey. And seriously sweetie, you should know better than to court scandal like that, in fact, I think it's high time you stop lunching with anyone of the opposite gender whatsoever. You're dating _me_ and therefor should not be eating meals with anyone else."

Finn breathed in heavily as he brought in the last of her luggage.

"First of all, her name's Rachel Berry. Don't talk about her that way, I happen to find her nose refreshing and uniquely beautiful. And secondly, stop belittling me. I'm sick and tired of your telling me what to do all the time! I'm my own person and I'm capable of making my own decisions. If you insist on not taking a break, than some changes are going to have to be made. I'm not going to sit by passively as you make all the decisions in this relationship.. I'm going to eat my meals with whomever I want to eat them with and you're just going have to deal with it."

Looking at his girlfriend's shocked expression, Finn realized he had to get out of the apartment. Suddenly everything seemed to be weighing down on him, suffocating him, and he just needed some fresh air.

"Melissa, we have a lot of shit that we need to talk through, but right now, I just need to be alone. I'm going to go find a bar and then get thoroughly wasted. Don't bother following me."

He fumed as he walked out of the elevator into the dark and crowded streets of New York City. He just wanted to get lost in the discord of the loud noises and bright lights.

After buying a bottle of whiskey from some random corner store, he walked towards Time Square.

Finn spent the entire night wandering through the streets of central Manhattan, hoping pointlessly that some of the beauty and dazzle and magnificence of the enchanting city would rub off on him, help him figure out why his life was such an incurable mess...


	11. Push the Boundaries

Chapter 11.

**June, 2015. (A week and a half later)**

Rachel burst out laughing. All the stress that Roger and the wedding and the balancing schedules had been building up in her was always released while at dance rehearsal with Finn. Their choreographer was a total riot, and his ostentatious personality coupled with Finn's reliably horrific sense of physical rhythm (which_ so _didn't make sense considering he was a drummer and everything) had made for some very comic dance rehearsals.

Pre-production for the movie was beginning splendidly. The cast meet and greet had been the previous week, and Rachel had been pleasantly surprised to find that she didn't have any qualms with any of her fellow cast members. Their voices were all appropriately inferior to hers, and even though the girl who was playing Galinda did have a really small perfect upturned nose and way too long of a broadway resume for being only 24 years old, Rachel hadn't felt threatened by her.. She _was_ the _main_ star of the film after all. And being friends with Finn had helped her confidence too, it was as if having an experienced friend by her side made her feel more secure or something.

Sure, that trollop Melissa Holloway had been way too territorial over Finn, but it hadn't bothered Rachel too much. Who wouldn't feel worried if their boyfriend was working with such a stunning and talented young star.

But as far as she was concerned, Melissa had nothing to worry about. Rachel had swept the events that had almost occurred in the alleyway aside, attributing it as one those mere anomalies that the universe sometimes spontaneously threw at you.

Anywho, they were almost finished with the last rehearsal of the week, and everything had thus far gone smoothly. And Rachel, with Finn's help, was actually bonding with some of the co-stars and back-up dancers.

"Alright guys," Josh, their choreographer yelled, "I think that's a wrap for today. Now these routines aren't too difficult so hopefully they'll stay etched in your memories over the weekend. See you Monday!"

And with that they were done. Walking towards the bag cubbies, Rachel couldn't help but watch Finn approach her through her peripheral vision.

"God I had forgotten how grueling dancing can be," he huffed, grabbing her bag before she could reach it to hand it to her.

She smiled at him, "Yeah, it's good to see something things never change. You for one, are still an uncoordinated mess."

"Hey," replied Finn, playfully offended, "My dancing has gotten a lot better."

"That's true," she admitted, giggling again at the memory of some of his quintessentially oafish Finn moments at McKinley.

She watched him demonstrate a couple of overly clumsy dance moves. That boy would do anything for a laugh.

And it worked. She had laughed so much during the past few hours that she seemed to have a permanent stitch in her side.

And while cracking up as he proudly made a total fool of himself, Rachel realized something. When she had first met Finn after their prolonged separation, she had found him almost unrecognizable, he had been so much harder and sadder than the boy she had used to know. But it was moments like these, when he just let loose, that she understood that he hadn't changed irretrievably. Deep down he was still the same adorable teddy bear she had cared so much for.

"So," he started, interrupting her thoughts as they entered the lobby of the dance studio, "You up for a quick bite to eat before your show?"

Rachel looked up into his excited eyes.

"I wish I could, but unfortunately I need to be at the theatre in a half hour."

Finn's face fell, but he covered his disappointment quickly.

"Tough luck.. I can't even imagine having to anchor an entire show after this day.. today was especially rigorous. I mean, 7 straight hours of dancing _that_ routine? I'm totally spent."

Rachel laughed indulgently.

"Yeah, well you never really had that incomparable Rachel Berry stamina.."

...

Finn halted. Had she just made a sexual innuendo? Because if he recalled correctly, they had _both_ had extremely large sexual appetites..

"-oh wait," she started, realizing the misinterpretation, "I didn't mean that to sound.. you know.."

He gave her a conniving smile, he wasn't going to let her get off that easily.

"Sound like what?" he asked innocently.

She slapped him with her purse, "You know exactly what I mean smarty pants."

He laughed.

"But," she continued, "I'll be free after the show, if you'd still want to grab a bite to eat around 10?"

He felt his spirits soar, but he tried not to let his sudden mood change show on his face.

"Well you know me, I could eat anytime anywhere, so 10 o clock tonight sounds perfect. I'll meet you backstage?"

Rachel laughed, "Yes, it's Bill and Harry's shift again tonight, so you guys can catch up."

Finn laughed, glad that he had something to look forward to. He stopped a cab for her before pulling her in for a quick goodbye hug, "Alright sounds like a plan."

Rachel flushed at the sudden contact, before waving spritely and getting into the yellow car.

After watching the cab drive away, Finn decided to walk back to his hotel. A good stretching of his legs always helped clear his head.

Unfortunately that clarity was soon marred by Melissa's obnoxious ring tone.

Looking at the number guiltily, he answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey sweetums, I was just calling to remind you about that dinner you promised to attend with me tonight?"

"Oh crap Mel, I'm really sorry but I totally forgot. I don't think I can actually make it because I don't really have anything to wear. I left all my formal clothing in LA, plus, I sort of have plans to eat with some of the cast.."

That wasn't totally untrue..

"Wow Finn. Way to win the award for most disappointing and flaky boyfriend ever, _again_. I'll just go by myself. But do not forget about that benefit at the Met on Saturday. I'll go out and buy you a suit myself if I have to, to stop you from making any more of your lame excuses to be a reclusive alcoholic."

"Whoa- that was uncalled for."

"Finn, I've been here for almost two weeks and I've hardly spent any time with you. You're always working or being silent and broody with your whiskey. The only time I've seen you happy is when you're with that mini transvestite, and how do you think that makes me, _your girlfriend _feel?"

She had a point. He was _that _guy. The douche bag that emotionally cheated on his faithful albeit annoying girlfriend. And because he knew he didn't have a chance to be with the girl he really wanted to be with, he strung another girl along even though he'd never be able to fully return her feelings.

But then on the other hand, Finn knew he was never going to fully get over Rachel. So he couldn't always play the martyr who sacrificed any chance of being apart of a real relationship just because part of his heart (hell who was he kidding, his whole heart) would always belong to someone else.

"Look, I haven't been completely honest with you Melissa. The truth is, Rachel and I went to high school together and were good friends once upon a time. The reason I like being with her so much is because she helps remind me of the old Finn, the Finn from Ohio who was always happy-go-lucky and positive-"

"Well excuse me for being out of the loop, _again_" she said, interrupting him, "But maybe if you ever talked about your stupid past with me we wouldn't be having this conversation. Anyways, I need to finish getting ready for the dinner, I'll see you later tonight."

He listened to the light click signaling the end the conversation, wrestling with his conscience. _Was_ he being unfair to Melissa? He just didn't know anymore.

But what he did know was that being with Rachel made him feel good again. And because he knew nothing was going to happen between them because of this odd "friends who pretend they don't have a romantic past and almost kiss when they let their guards down" deal they had going on, then it wasn't technically cheating. It really wasn't.

...

Rachel paused, mid-make-up removal, as she heard a knock on the door of her dressing room. She glanced at her clock, it was only 9:40, how had Finn known the show had finished early tonight? Glancing at her reflection in her light bulb lit vanity mirror, she quickly rubbed off the remnants of her bright red lipstick (the most glaringly off-putting of her stage make-up) and made sure her cream colored blouse and jeans were in place, before hurrying to the door.

She opened the door slowly, peeking through the sliver, just in case it was a serial killer (it never hurt to be too prepared for _any_ situation).

A warm almond-shaped brown eye descended to meet hers.

"What game are we playing?" Finn whispered through the crack.

Rachel laughed before removing her head and pulling the door wide open.

"Sorry I was just checking to see who the visitor was, you are awfully early.."

Finn laughed as he was welcomed in, "Yeah I had nothing better to do so I came to see the show, and I must say, you remain dazzling even after the seventh performance."

He handed her an enormous bouquet of pink, orange, and white gerber daisies to accompany his congratulations. Rachel gave him a huge smile when she saw them, those flowers always had the most cheering effect on her.

"Aw Finn you shouldn't have! These are gorgeous, thank you!"

As she walked towards the other side of her spacious dressing room to find an empty vase, her initial disarm at the flowers faded and she realized he had just said he had seen her show seven times.

"Wait," she said, looking across towards the tall man sifting through her bounteous and cluttered flower arrangements (she was given enough flowers after every performance to start a small florist shop), "you've been to my show seven times? since when?"

He occupied himself with a bunch of wilted gardenias, "Oh yeah.. that was a bit of an exaggeration."

The embarrassed look on his face told her it wasn't. But he quickly changed the subject before she could question him more.

"Why aren't there any other gerber daisies here? Only these rotted white ones," he lifted the gardenias in his hand, "these weird ones," he gestured to the rows and rows of orchids, "and all these roses," he pointed conclusively at the neglected pile of bouquets in the farthest corner, "when I know you hate roses because you once told me that flowers weren't supposed to prick you and therefor it didn't matter how nice they smelt because their thorns negated any nice qualities they might have."

Rachel walked past him (he was sitting on her crimson velvet lounging chaise, in between the flowers and the cookie baskets) to lay the glass vase with his flowers in it on the broad silver counter in front of her massive mirror. How had he remembered her words verbatim?

She leaned against the counter, finally turning to look at him.

He was now casually munching on a "Please Marry Me" iced cookie he had just nicked from a basket.

"Hey-" she started, "I usually send those to homeless shelters, so right now, you're stealing from a starving man's plate."

Finn grinned, "Or maybe I'm saving him from type 2 diabetes. Now answer the question about the flowers woman!"

Rachel looked down at her feet.

"I told you that at our Junior winter formal, and you begged your mom to run out to quickly buy some gerber daisies before the limo left, but there wasn't enough time so we had to settle for the rose corsage," her voice quieted as she at her shiny black ballet flats, "I remember you were so mad that you had listened to Puck's stupid advice that roses were what girls expected for dances, and you told me you should have known that I wouldn't have liked roses, because I wasn't like other girls, I wasn't like the common, overused rose, but like the colorful and energetic gerber daisy."

She turned around to busy herself with the make-up remover, things had just gotten a little too sentimental for her tastes, and her eye make-up still looked like something that belonged in the red-light district.

...

Finn watched her attentively as she rigorously wiped black smudgy stuff off of her eyes.

So did this mean they could start talking about the past again? Because he had a long list of stuff he had to tell her. But then she started talking in her succinct, 'let's get back to business' tone, and he knew the minor past reference had just been an exception.

"I have a new favorite flower now," she said abruptly, "orchids. They're exotic and sophisticated and fashionable, not juvenile, like gerber daisies."

Ouch.

"Not that these aren't lovely Finn," she added graciously, sending him a small smile through her reflection in the mirror.

Why did she have to be like this? Why did she have to barricade herself behind this fake over-bubbly persona? It was so impenetrable... If only he could get her to open herself up again, then they could talk for real, and he could apologize to her like he so desperately needed to.

"So," he started, "what's Roger up to tonight?"

Rachel froze. Their respective partners had up until this point been in that off-limit territory. But Finn was trying to see how far he could push those boundaries tonight.

"He's in Paris," she told him curtly, "he just finished the compositions for this new avant-garde opera that's premiering at the Palais Garnier."

"Cool," he replied glumly, turning his attentions towards the opulent gold wallpaper.

Why was he such a moron? Why would he never be able to compare to the perfect, unrivaled in sheer awesomeness, Roger Breckelstein? He still couldn't believe he had let slip that he had seen her show seven times. God, she probably thought he was such a stalker. But he couldn't help it that watching her and hearing her perform was like some sort of miracle potion to his damaged soul. However transient it was.

He watched her silently as she pulled her hair up into a ponytail, almost ready to go eat.

Finn knew he had to take advantage of her temporary willingness to talk about subjects she had previously deemed to be too unpleasant.

He just had to find out, once and for all.

"So.. you really think Roger's the one huh?"

Rachel looked at him sharply, before returning to her hair.

"I don't believe in romantic superstitions anymore. I'm much more pragmatic. And Roger.. he's everything I could have ever imagined in a potential husband. Smart, talented, kind, considerate, financially stable.. what more could I ask for?"

Finn fiddled with his thumbs, feeling uncharacteristically belligerent.

"I don't know, maybe someone your own age... I guess never thought you'd be the type to marry someone twice as old as you."

Rachel turned around, hands on her hips, ready for battle.

"I'm no longer the Rachel Berry you knew in high school Finn. Maybe _she_ wouldn't have been that type, but she was immature and single-minded. I've developed into a much more well-rounded and culturally appreciative young woman. And I care for Roger deeply and _will_ be marrying him."

Finn gave her a funny look, before he gave her an insincere attempt at a smile.

There was no point, she was never going to be his again.

"Well then.." he said, surrendering, "I'm happy for you."

...

_A/N: _

_sorry i know this isn't a very satisfactory chapter ending, i originally intended for the chapter to be longer, but then the dressing room scene just took too many words, so i'll update with part II of this interaction really soon! _

_also; this fanfic is going to be pretty long, but don't worry the big/dramatic/angstful events are swiftly approaching!_

_and thank you again for the wonderful reviews :)_


	12. Gravitational Force

Chapter 12

_A/N: _

_Song credits- 1) Des'ree's 'Kissing You', and 2) Quindon Tarver's 'When Doves Cry', both from one of the best movies of all freaking time, Baz Luhrmann's Romeo &Juliet. Please listen to them in the interests of fully understanding the story! _

_And to address leopardcrazy's concern (i really don't want to be misconstrued as a writer with gender double standards- especially as finn's sex life is explicitly addressed in this chapter): Rachel hasn't slept with roger at this point because a) when she went through all of that crap to get over Finn, she also ended up repressing her sexuality. The Rachel in my fanfic automatically associates sex with Finn, and sees that side of herself as weak, so she pretends it doesn't exist. And b) Rachel's always been stronger than Finn, and therefor doesn't have to rely on alcohol and sex to move on, just her "scary self-will". _

_I hope this cleared that up for you! I by no means was purposefully keeping rachel 'pure' for finn._

_Alright, moving forward!_

...

**seconds later.**

".. _I'm happy for you."_

...

Rachel was taken aback at the lamentable expression on Finn's face. Why did that phrase (accompanied with that look) seem so familiar?

It came rushing back to her in a wind of Madonna songs, eye-sex with her drummer boy, and navy pullovers.

Finn stood up briskly, oblivious to her inner revelation, and asked "Alright, are we ready to go?"

She turned around to look at herself in the mirror, ignoring his question. He probably thought she was checking her appearance, but in reality she was trying to find some clue in her reflection that could help her solve the mystery raging within her.

_Rachel! What does it matter that Finn just had the same heart-rending look on his face that he gave you when he thought you had lost your virginity to that male diva from Vocal Adrenaline? Even if Finn still has feelings for you, that doesn't change anything. You're in a perfect place right now, your life is turning out just the way you always imagined it would. Why let Finn Hudson, the boy that cruelly dismantled your heart, mess that up? Yes, his sweet smiles and adorable mannerisms might make you forget the agony he caused you, but it doesn't change the fact that that's what happened. You allowed yourself to become friends with him on the condition you'd keep it on a shallow level. This is getting way too deep. Swim out while you still can Rachel, swim out..._

"So is that a no?"

Rachel jumped, realizing she had been boring into her reflection for quite awhile now. She turned back towards Finn and leaned against the silver counter, letting it hold her weight.

"Sorry," she said, "But I'm actually not feeling all that well tonight. Can we maybe rain check this late night dinner for another time?"

Finn walked closer to her, obviously worried.

_This is so _not_ what I wanted to happen. _

"What's wrong? Do you want me to maybe go out and buy you some chicken noodle soup or something? There's a great 24 hour deli around the corner from here. Or maybe I should call the onsite nurse? Do you think you have a fever?"

At this he lifted his hand to her forehead, presumably to gage her body temperature.

The atmosphere took a heavy shift.

Rachel suddenly became acutely conscious of her breathing as his hand moved from her forehead and slowly slid down her face, lingering right below her cheekbone.

She looked up into his intense stare. Her face felt like fire where he had touched it, and his body was separated from hers by the slightest film of air.

_It should be illegal for Finn Hudson to be this close to females. Because how could anyone possibly resist someone that pretty? It's like he has some bizarre gravitational force over me that makes me lose all control when I'm within a one foot radius of him._

She gave up and just let herself lose herself in his eyes.

...

Finn stared down at Rachel intently.. he had forgotten how potently his body reacted to her. Her face had felt like silk as he had run his fingers gently against her soft skin.. all he wanted to do was kiss her senseless.

And then her deep, big brown eyes raised to meet his, and before he could justify his next decision, he was grabbing her waist, propping her up to sit atop the silver table, and leaning his head down to meet her lips with a searing, passionate kiss. A weight literally lifted off his shoulders as he felt her mouth meet his with an equal carnal need. He gave himself over to her, urgently groping the small body whose curves he knew by heart.

...

Rachel felt herself losing control of her muscles as he held her tightly, sitting her up on the raised platform. Her ability to think flew out the window as she disregarded everything she had been drilling into her head for the past four years and wrapped her legs around his waist, supported by the makeshift silver bench, and grabbed his shirt to pull him in closer.

She kissed him as if his lips were the cure to everything negative that had ever happened in her life.

One of his hands was pressing the small of her back and the other was rubbing her left leg. Rachel felt a deep heat pool between her legs as she felt the large boy's body all around her, his soft lips chapping hers with need, and making her delirious with desire. Their bodies now seemed to be glued together, and as she grinded her hips against Finn's, his erection became abundantly apparent to her. And all Rachel wanted to do was rip off the clothing separating the parts of their bodies that fiercely wanted, no needed, to meet.

She hadn't felt this way in _so long_. She hadn't let herself want this.

Until now.

And now she couldn't stop.

But a loud knocking froze them both mid heavy make-out.

"Rachel!" the smothered voice spoke behind the door, "last chance to join us for drinks at the pub tonight!"

She slowly disentangled herself from Finn and unsnagged her hair from the lightbulbs. Thank God for her over friendly cast-mates.

"Thanks guys," she gave a strangled sort of cry, "but I told you I already have plans, but I'll definitely come next Friday!"

"Alright if you're sure."

And with that they could hear the group leave the hall.

Rachel leaned her head back against the mirror.

_That did not just happen, that did not just happen.._

She heard Finn coming closer again, and when she turned to face him, she saw that his eyes, shrouded with lust, were closing as he leaned his head in for round 2.

Boys were so _incorrigible_.

Rachel lifted her palm to stop his head, as well as that train of thought, from getting any closer.

"Finn, we both know we can't do this. That was a really _really_ big mistake.. I'm getting _married_. You have a girlfriend."

Finn opened his eyes and looked at her earnestly.

"What if the only mistake we're making is dating other people? Rachel, I-"

She quickly covered his mouth with her hand.

"Stop it. Stop it right now. Whatever you're thinking, it's only a byproduct of our overactive libidos and nostalgia for the past. We can't let the vestiges of our high school emotions affect our current lives Finn. Which is why you need to leave. Now."

Finn looked at her pleadingly, frustration evident in his eyes.

"And then what? We're just going to pretend like this never happened? Like we pretend we weren't head over heels in love with each other all through high school? Or like we pretend that we don't still have feelings for each-"

Rachel covered her ears with her hands tightly.

"I'm not listening to this. Your lust is clouding your reason, and I'm not going to hear a word that comes out of your mouth until you calm down. Lalalalalalalaalalala-"

Finn gave her a pissed-off look before kicking over her make-up chair to get her attention.

"Real mature Rachel, real mature."

She stared at him disbelievingly.

"I'm sorry, but was it me or you who just kicked over a piece of furniture because he couldn't control his temper?"

...

Finn felt his ears ringing, he looked up into Rachel's flushed, angry face.

Part of him wanted to pick her up and ravish her, and prove to her (physically) that they belonged together.

But the other, more rational part of him, wanted to stop upsetting Rachel and get the hell out of there.

Most of all, he didn't want to let himself fall hard for this girl who refused to let him in. She would never be able to love him again, and for good reason. 4 years ago he had fucked up a good thing, hell _the best thing_, and now he was suffering the consequences.

Just like Rachel had suffered that summer after the break-up.

Only _he _had _fought _the inner demon, and pushed it away. But he hadn't gotten rid of it like she apparently had. He knew the best thing to do was to was to just leave, to try to eliminate his always present feelings for her, and to do this by keeping a strictly work related relationship with her and nothing more.

But he just couldn't. And he knew it.

So he'd settle for friendship. Her presence in his life, however platonic, had been helping him before this whole dressing room debacle had happened. Being friends with her, however painful it might be, was better than not having her in his life at all.

"I'm sorry," he finally said, "You're right. I confused the past with the present, and it was unprofessional of me. I hope things can go back to normal on Monday, I wouldn't want my momentary lapse in judgment to ruin our fragile friendship."

Rachel nodded her head, as if in a trance, unable to speak.

He didn't wait for her to show him out.

_..._

When Finn got back to his hotel room, he was stunned to see Melissa waiting for him, complete with a candlelit dinner and evening gown.

"Wha- what's going on?" he asked, "I thought you had that dinner.."

She reached up to give him a big hug. Finn felt himself respond to the physical closeness, as he lifted her up to deepen the hug. He had definitely been dealing with some blue balls on the cab ride home.

And also, he realized that sometimes the best medicine to a crappy mood is the knowledge that someone, _anyone_, cares about you.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier today," she whispered into his ear, on the verge of tears, "I'll be honest, I have been feeling threatened by that Rachel girl, but it's only because I just love you so much and can't lose you."

Finn felt the guilt wad up in him as she took his hand and led him to the little table for two.

"Halfway to my dinner engagement tonight, I realized I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything until I had fixed things between us. So I came back, and got the hotel to set all this up for us. I ordered all your favorites from that homestyle southern restaurant you love so much; roast chicken, fried vegetables, extra gravy, even though you were going to eat out with the cast I knew you'd still be able to eat because you just love food that much and.."

Finn leaned over the small table to kiss her. Melissa was his girlfriend, not Rachel, and he needed to start appreciating what he _did _have, instead of pining for that which he'd never have, that which he'd never deserve.

That's how it had all started anyways right? At 18 he had understood better than he did now that he would never be man enough for Rachel Berry, and it was high time he accepted it.

_..._

Rachel was sobbing. In her bedroom. Alone. Full on, uncontrollably shaking with tears, and she had no idea why.

_What is wrong with me? A person is supposed to cry like this when a relative or beloved pet dies! Not for absolutely no reason at all!_

But she couldn't stop. Finn's visit to her dressing room had severely shaken her.

All the way home she had been like a mummy, blind to everything and everyone around her. But then, a block away from her apartment, she had seen a little toddler wearing a brown and blue striped sweater, and in a millisecond she had been overcome with hysterical sobs.

It didn't make sense. She had calmed down a bit by the time she had gotten ready for bed, but then she had turned on the TV, and Baz Luhrmann's 'Romeo &Juliet' had been on, and she had started crying again harder than ever. She didn't even know why.. It was the happy part, with the African American woman singing that lovely song while the star crossed lovers fell in love just by looking at each other through a fish tank.. but for some reason it had completely destroyed her and she had been forced to turn it off.

_It's only the haunting quality of that woman's voice. Or maybe.. maybe I'm really only lamenting the tragic conclusion of the film that I already know will occur. Romeo dies, Juliet dies, true love dies, and it's all because of some bad luck and miscommunication. _

Her body was wracked with a fresh set of sobs.

_Why does life have to be so universally tragic?_

She began singing the theme song feebly, trying to turn to the one thing that always made her feel better and distracted her from the coldness in her heart and her morbid, melodramatic thoughts.

"_Pride can stand a thousand trials _

_The strong will never fall _

_But watching stars without you _

_My soul cries_

_Heaving heart is full of pain_

_Oohh, oohh, the aching _

_'Cause I'm kissing you, oohh _

_I'm kissing you, oohh _

_Touch me deep, pure and true _

_Give to me forever _

_'Cause I'm kissing you, oohh _

_I'm kissing you, oohh _

_Where are you now _

_Where are you now _

_'Cause I'm kissing you _

_I'm kissing you, oohh_

...

Finn and Melissa had finished eating for all of two seconds before they had moved to the bedroom.

Finn gyrated into Melissa relentlessly, he was almost there..

"Oh, Finnnnn!"

Melissa shrieked as she orgasmed.

Finn collapsed on top of her, having just reached his peak as well.

He moved to lay on his back, lifting his arm above his head as he caught his breath. Melissa was snuggling up into his side.

"That was fucking amazing baby, as usual," she spoke into his bare chest.

He found himself flinching at the touch he had reveled in only moments before. Why was it that Melissa's coddling sometimes felt like the only proof that someone loved him in this god forsaken world, and other times just felt like an unwanted nuisance. Was he simply doomed to never enjoy a good thing while he had it?

God he was such a_ fucking _ass. Kissing the girl he really loved one minute, and releasing the tension she had uprooted in him with another girl the next. It was utterly deplorable.

But what other choice did he have? Rachel wanted to pretend like their kiss had never happened, so that was exactly what he was doing.

Within minutes he was listening to soft snores emitting from Melissa's nose. Pulling on his boxers and white undershirt, he moved to the living room. He knew he wasn't going to fall asleep any time soon.

He carelessly turned on the TV, and some weird choir music started playing.

_Wait a second.. I know this movie._

Heck yeah he had studied Romeo and Juliet in high school. Plus, Rachel had made him watch it during that one Lurhmann marathon she conducted Junior year. This was the part where Leonardo Dicaprio was visiting that one religious dude, and that choir boy was singing that version of 'When Doves Cry'.

"_How can you leave me standing _

_Alone in a world that is so cold?_

_Maybe I'm just too demanding,_

_Maybe I'm just like my father too bold._

_Maybe I'm just like my mother, _

_She's never satisfied._

_Why do we scream at eachother?_

_This is what it sounds like, _

_When doves cryyy."_

Shit was that a tear in his eye? Jesus he was a wimp.

_Don't sweat it, it's just a sad movie. This has nothing to do with the fact that it was one of Rachel's favorites, or that it's about two people who's powerful love only ends in tragic self-annihilation..._

He rubbed his temples, trying futilely to rid his mind of his depressing thoughts. What was it going to take for him to understand that he and Rachel were over?

...

_A/N (part II):_

_Please don't hate Finn after this chapter! He's just a lost and confused boy :(_


	13. Let Her Go Again

Chapter 13.

_A/N:_

_To all of you who are getting impatient for Finn and Rachel to finally realize they're made for each other and get on with it, I'm sorry but I'm kind of long-winded :/ _

_I really want to do the story I have in my head justice and I can only do that by describing their entire, arduous 'journey', to make the conclusion that much more meaningful._

_For those who stick with it- I really think it will all be worth it in the end :) But in case you wanted to know the approximate length this fanfic is going to be, I'm thinking at this point about 20 chapters._

_And lastly, the song F&R dance to here is Frank Sinatra's 'I'll Be Seeing You'._

_..._

**June, 2015. (the next day)**

Rachel plopped down into the cab and quickly gave the driver her street names. This was just what she needed, a big event to hectically prepare for to take her mind off things. Also, one of the benefits to being a manic depressive was one night you could be crying hysterically for no reason at all and the next morning you could be perfectly fine.

Rachel grabbed her phone from her phone and began quickly dialing Kurt's number.

"Hi darling, what's up?"

Rachel breathed a sigh of relief when he picked up.

"Please tell me you have no plans for tonight?"

She tapped her feet impatiently. She was already running way late for her hair appointment.

"Well," Kurt started ambiguously, "Justin and I were planning on seeing the Avatar sequel tonight, but if you offer me something better to do I might be willing to reschedule."

Rachel smiled, "How about a charity benefit gala at the Met?"

"Oh I am so there. But why, may I ask, is the invite so last minute?"

"Roger's out of town, and I completely forgot about it until about twenty minutes ago when my hair stylist called me to ask why I wasn't at the salon and I remembered I had scheduled an appointment specifically for this thing."

"Oh dear," he responded, "That's never good. But you can always rely on Kurt to the rescue. Which reminds me, if I may be so bold, can I ask how things are going with you and your former flame aka my brother by marriage?"

Rachel began tapping her foot even more nervously.

"Things are great. Really great. We're friends. That's all. Just good friends. But not too good obviously, we're just the perfect medium amount of friends.."

Holy moses, she had totally overdone it..

"Rachel Berry you better tell me what's going on right this instant. Did you two sleep together?"

"No!" she screamed so loudly that her cab driver sent her a dirty look.

"No," she repeated in a quieter voice, "We just kissed, okay?"

"Oh sweet lord and baby jesus.."

"It was a mistake alright? Don't worry I'm already in the process of denying its occurrence to myself. So let's just not mention it ever again.."

Kurt remained silent on the other end of the line for a bit. Finally he spoke again.

"Rachel, have you ever considered listening to his side of the story?"

She reddened, wasn't Kurt supposed to be on _her_ side?

"Why would I do that? I only became, quote on quote 'friends' with him so I could get through this job. But I never planned on letting the remnant emotions of high school Rachel Berry come up again, and I definitely never wanted to hear 'his' side to _the__ story_. Four years ago Finn Hudson broke me, plain and simple, and he's lucky I'm even tolerating him at all right now."

"I don't know," Kurt sounded uncharacteristically unsure of himself, "it just seems to me as if talking it out would help you guys move forward, whether to become genuine friends, awkward acquaintances, or whatever, but at least you guys would know where you stood. Right now it just makes everyone really uncomfortable to see you guys acting as if you don't have a seriously loaded history."

Rachel thanked her stars when she saw her salon come into view.

"You just don't get the situation Kurt. Anyway, I have to go, I'm at my stylist's. Meet me at my place at 7?"

Kurt made a disgruntled noise before saying "Sure whatever. But just so you know, Finn and Melissa will be there tonight too, so you're going to have face this sooner rather than later."

"Wait, what?"

But Kurt had already hung up the phone.

_Ughhh! This is seriously the last thing I need right now._

...

Finn helped Melissa out of the limo. He couldn't help wondering if the huge, poofy, sparkly princess gown had _really_ been necessary.

They smiled for the cameras and blinding flashing lights before being ushered into the hall. Finn braced himself for a difficult evening. He hated these types of events, but he put up with them because his publicist forced him to.

"Last night was so incredible," Melissa leaned up so he could hear her whisper, before biting his ear.

Finn reacted instinctively and stepped back.

"Whoa Mel, we're in public."

She re-attached herself to his arm before saying, "It's not like everyone here doesn't already know we're together," she turned her head to look at all of the celebrities in the ball room, "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

Finn turned his head to see what she was complaining about.

He was stunned to see Rachel and Kurt staring at him, Rachel with a hard expression on her face, and Kurt with a look of disapproval.

"Oh shit.."

"Please tell me you didn't know that fugly girl and her homosexual sidekick would be here, because if you conveniently forgot to warn me, I'm going to be seriously pissed.."

"Fuck Melissa. Her name is Rachel Berry and she's a dear friend who's the farthest thing from 'fugly', and _his_ name is Kurt Hummel and he's my freaking step-brother in case you forgot. I thought you told me last night that you were past your insecurities?" he brushed her arm off of him, "Find me when you actually are."

Leaving her behind, he walked towards the familiar faces.

He gulped as he got closer, and realized just how beautiful Rachel looked. Her hair was swept in one of those old Hollywood styles, and her simple but full skirted black dress looked like something out of one of those black and white movies she had always made him watch.

When he finally reached them he had thankfully regained control of his vocal chords.

"Hey, what are you guys doing here?"

He watched as Rachel immediately went on the defensive.

"I was_ invited _Finn, you're not the only famous 2011 graduate of McKinley high if you might recall."

God, she was misunderstanding him _again_.

"That's not what I _meant_ Rachel," his voice was edgy, "I was actually happy to see you guys at an event I was expecting to be bored out of my mind for, but thanks for bursting my balloon.."

They stared each other down for a couple seconds.

_So much for things going back to normal.._

"Anyways," squeaked Kurt's high pitched voice, breaking the tension, "When are you going back to LA Finn? Justin's family lives in San Diego and we want to take a little trip down there soon. Maybe it could coincide with your promotional visit back and we could do some brotherly bonding. I've never been to Disneyland.."

Finn reluctantly removed his attention from Rachel and put it on Kurt.

"In about a month," he replied, "We've already started dance rehearsals and soundtrack recording begins next week, so we should be done with pre-production in a few weeks."

"Fascinating," Kurt replied, even though he didn't look too fascinated. "God," he said, changing the subject "what a bunch of bores. There's a DJ here and no one's even dancing. We need to get this party started.."

Finn raised an eyebrow, "What exactly do you have in mind?"

Kurt grabbed his and Rachel's hands pulling them onto the dance floor before yelling, "Let's dance!"

Rachel and Finn shared a rolling of eyes before laughing and letting go. The three's courage brought some other high minded people on the floor and soon a real dance was going on.

Melissa glared on from a distance.

After about half an hour Kurt decided to go get a drink. Moments after he had left, the music changed from frenetic pop to a classic slow song.

Finn lifted an eyebrow in question to Rachel as he held out his hand.

"It seems a shame to waste some good Sinatra.."

Rachel looked at him suspiciously before taking his hand and letting him pull her in for the slow dance. The music wafted slowly over them.

_I'll be seeing you_

_In all the old familiar places_

_That this heart of mine embraces_

_All day through._

...

Rachel couldn't help but feel like Audrey Hepburn in one of her earlier films, with Finn as her Humphrey Bogart (only Finn was much taller and better looking than Mr. Bogart- and consequently looked quite handsome and refined in his tuxedo). She was really glad she had opted for a simple black a-line gown with matching elbow length gloves. She leaned her head down on Finn's shoulder (she was wearing 4 inch heels), and breathed in his musky scent. It felt nice.

_In that small cafe;_

_The park across the way;_

_The children's carousel;_

_The chestnut trees;_

_The wishin' well._

...

Finn tried memorize the feeling of Rachel's body dancing with his, her small hand tucked in his, her tiny waist pressed ever so slightly against his lower abdomen, her head resting on his shoulder.. It felt just like all of those school dances they had gone to, only, she wasn't his like she had been back then.

_I'll be seeing you_

_In every lovely summer's day;_

_In every thing that's light and gay._

_I'll always think of you that way._

Damn the lyrics to this song were so perfect. He really hadn't ever been able to Rachel out of his head, she was always with him, always in everything he saw. Everything had always reminded him of her..

_I'll find you_

_In the morning sun_

_And when the night is new._

_I'll be looking at the moon,_

_But I'll be seeing you._

He didn't care who was watching, he didn't care what their intimate postures implied, he just wanted to hold her and rock with her forever.

...

Kurt watched as his two best friends danced together. He began to wonder if all the effort he had put in to keep them apart had been misguided. They just looked so perfect together. Maybe they really couldn't live without each other, maybe they really did complete each other..

His thoughts were interrupted by an outraged grunt.

He looked around to see Finn's tall, blonde, and unpleasant girlfriend downing champagne as if it was water and she had just run a marathon.

Melissa turned to look at him when she noted his gaze. He was surprised to see that upon closer inspection, she didn't seem that hard of a bitch, but more like a pitifully in love girlfriend.

She walked towards him with an unsteady gait (she was definitely wasted).

"Hello _Kurt_."

"_Melissa._" he responded shortly.

"So," she started, looking back at the chemistry laden couple in the middle of the dance floor, "You went to high school with them. What's their deal? Finn has remained pretty silent as far as talking about his past goes."

Kurt sighed.

"Do you really want the truth? It might bite."

She narrowed her over-mascara'd blue eyes before grabbing another champagne glass from a traveling waiter.

"Yes. I'm a big girl, I can handle it."

Kurt took a breath, and related the summarized version of their story like he would deliver a child's fairytale.

"She was the outcast, he was the popular jock. They were brought together through their passion for music. Who knows when they first fell in love, maybe it was the first time they heard each other sing.. all I know is that they did, and I still to this day don't think I've ever cared about another person the way that those two cared about each other."

Melissa choked on her drink, before cursing under her breath.

"He conveniently forgot to tell me that they dated."

Oops.

They both looked at the dimly lit dancing couple. Finn's eyes were closed and he seemed to be cherishing the moment as if it was his last.

Melissa looked on painstakingly before turning to Kurt.

"I'm never going to measure up to her in his eyes, am I?"

The pretty boy looked at her sympathetically and shook his head.

"No honey, you're not."

Kurt was nothing if not brutally honest.

"Well then," she started walking away towards another champagne tray, "I might as well take a page out of my boyfriend's book and turn to alcohol to subdue the pain of loving someone whose heart's already occupied."

...

Finn and Rachel walked tiredly over to Kurt (who was standing by the drinks). They had been in their own little world dancing for 40 minutes straight and were taking a break.

The pale boy looked at them strangely before delivering some news.

"Melissa's a raging drunk so I called your guys' driver to take her back to the hotel. She should be safely tucked into bed right now."

Finn whitened, he had totally ignored his girlfriend the entire night.

"You know what?" Rachel started, looking at Finn guiltily, "I think I'm going to walk home. My apartment's not too far from here and I think I need some fresh air. You boys can take my limo back to where ever you want to go.."

And with that she walked towards the coat room to retrieve her shawl.

Finn let out a low groan before chugging down a glass of champagne.

"This is so fucked up."

Kurt gave him a 'no duh' look before responding with a "Tell me about it."

"You know what," a lightbulb had lit in Finn's head, "I'm going to follow her. Talk to her, see if we can't work out what's going on between us."

And with that he was racing out the door.

Kurt found it a bit pathetic that he had known right away that Finn was talking about Rachel, and not his girlfriend.

...

Finn caught up with Rachel right as she was about to leave through a side door.

"Hey," he said, slightly out of breath from running, "You shouldn't walk the streets of New York alone looking like that, let me escort you."

Rachel looked as if she wanted to argue, but simply didn't have the energy to anymore.

"Fine," she replied, "But no funny business."

Finn raised his right hand, "You have my word."

He glanced at a forgotten tray of champagne by the exit.

"But let's spice up the walk huh?" his eyebrows lifted suggestively as he took two glasses in each hand and slipped out the door.

Rachel laughed before following him.

...

20 minutes later they were walking along the Hudson River.

Rachel took a deep breath of night air and twirled around spontaneously in Finn's tux jacket (he had given it to her when he had seen the goosebumps on her arms).

"I love New York," she said, smiling at Finn, "I always knew this was where I belonged. Before I had even visited."

Finn laughed, "Of course. I think everyone knew. Rachel Berry was born to be a star on Broadway, and now she is."

She stopped spinning and held on to the stone railing above the river for support.

"Whoa" Finn started, chasing her, "You okay there?"

"Yeah," she laughed, feeling unusually light-hearted and giddy (it might have had something to do with the two glasses of champagne she had just had on top of the two she had enjoyed at the gala), "I'm just a little dizzy."

Finn put his hand on her waist to support her balance.

Out of some deep-rooted habit (she couldn't blame her next move on anything else), Rachel shifted her position and moved her arms around Finn's hard upper body, burying her head into his warm chest.

She hugged him tightly before whispering quietly into the fabric of his white dress shirt, "I missed you."

He rested his chin lightly on the top of hers, holding her as if she was his most treasured possession.

"I missed you too," he replied, "_so much._"

His deep, gravelly voice sent shivers down her spine.

"I wish things were different," Rachel continued, still locked in his hug. She didn't know why, but she couldn't let go.

Finn grabbed her by the arms lightly before moving her into the dusky light, and bent down to get a good look at her face.

"What do you mean?" he asked her seriously, "If what was different?"

The warning buzzers were going off like crazy in her head.

"I don't know.." she said, trying to cover it up, "I'm just being silly and overemotional as usual, don't mind me."

He continued to analyze her face.

"How can I not mind you? When everything you say, everything you do, means so much to me?"

She looked up into his expressive brown eyes, his hands were still on her arms, and she could read that he was being 100% genuine. She really did mean that much to him.

Maybe she did it because he had looked so sincere, or maybe it was the fact that being near to him made her more intoxicated then drinking an entire bottle of champagne could, or maybe Finn Hudson was just her addiction, something she knew she shouldn't want but madly did. She would later plead temporary insanity.

But the next thing she knew, she was grabbing his tie to bring him down to her height and her lips were on his, devouring his mouth as if it was more precious then her oxygen supply.

As she kissed him enthusiastically, none of her worries, responsibilities, or concerns were on her mind. The only thing she was conscious of was the delicious, soft, wet mouth on hers, making her feel as if she was on cloud 9.

Finn's hands moved under the tux jacket she was wearing to grip her tightly around the waist. He pulled her up to him, bringing their bodies as physically close as possible. Rachel let him almost lift her off the ground as she slid her fingers through his messy, overgrown hair, and pressed her breasts into his muscular chest. His tongue slid into her mouth, beckoning hers out. The sensation of his mouth was getting to be too much for her to handle, his touch, his kiss, were making her head spin..

Her knees were weak and her heart was thumping louder than she had ever heard it before.

Right then she knew with a terrifying certainty that her feelings were still there, that they had always been there.

And that's also when she knew she had to break apart from him.

Finn gave a barely perceptible moan as she ended the kiss. He tried to scoop her up for another one but she turned her head so his lips landed on her neck.

"Finn."

She tried to sound as convinced and resolute as she possibly could. Which was hard considering his large strong hands were still holding her tightly to him, and his head was nestled softly near her ear.

"We can't keep letting this happen," she finished.

Finn murmured into her hair, they were still locked in their close embrace.

"Why not?"

Rachel pushed him away and walked towards the cold stone barrier at the edge of the sidewalk. She cast her eyes on the flowing river beneath her.

"Because it's wrong. We both have significant others and this is just.. not acceptable. I thought we could be friends, but if we can't keep it in our damn pants when we're near each other, we should just end this now."

She heard him come up behind her.

"Rachel look at me. I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of settling for friendship. I want to be with be with you. Why can't we give this another shot?"

She was afraid to open her mouth, for fear that the sobs bubbling up in her would escape instead of the words she needed to deter him. He put his hand on her arm.

She shrugged it off and turned towards him aggressively.

"Because Finn, I can't trust you," her voice was cracking from a mixture of anger at herself for giving into him, and sadness that she couldn't follow her heart and let herself be with Finn, "You screwed me over four years ago and who's to say you won't do it again? Just a half hour ago you rose your right hand and swore no funny business and then you just upped and kissed me."

At this he began to object.

"Okay fine," she corrected, her anger building to compensate for the confusing emotions threatening to drown her, "You_ let_ me kiss you and then kissed me right back. But that's still funny business! Which proves that, let's face it, your word means nothing. Sure you might say right now that you want to be with me, hell you might even believe it. But what about tomorrow, next week, next month? Can you promise you'll still want me_ then_? What happens when you decide you need to go find your inner rock star or get a college degree or whatever stupid whim so happens to call you next? I'm not going to 'give this another shot' because I already know how this story ends; you leave me, and I get broken."

Finn's face fell apart as he listened to her words.

"Listen to me Rach," he begged, his voice straining, "All those years ago? I never meant to hurt you. I thought I was doing the right thing, letting you go because you needed to chase after your dream. And I thought I was just a hindrance to that chase. But I never stopped loving you Rach-"

"Stop it!" she screamed, she couldn't listen to this, she couldn't. Or else she would let him back into her life and make herself vulnerable again.

"It doesn't matter. What's past is past. The motives for your actions don't change anything, for the consequences that followed them remain the same."

"Rachel please-" the look in his eyes was heart-wrenching.

She turned around, and reached into her evening bag to pull out a cigarette and lighter. She needed to calm down, release the unendurable stress that was building inside her..

"What the hell are you doing?" Finn took the cigarette from her hand and threw it into the river, up until then she had been hiding her recently acquired vice from him, "Your voice is your instrument Rachel, why would you do something that could jeopardize it? Not to mention jeopardize your life expectancy?"

"Stop pretending like you know me Finn!" she screamed out to the bright lights of the city, knowing he was still right behind her, "You don't! You knew a silly little girl in high school with a good voice and an undamaged personality, and you keep projecting her onto me, but guess what? I'm not that girl anymore!"

Finn grabbed her arm forcefully and turned her around. His eyes expressed all the conflict and desperation in his soul.

"But I love you. I've always loved you. It doesn't matter how damaged you are now, I'm damaged too. Nothing will ever be able to change how I feel about you."

Rachel couldn't help the tears that began falling from her eyes.

"Well that's just too bad Finn, because I'll never let myself feel anything for you again," she lied, "You made sure of that when you left me to rot to go prove something to yourself in California."

His face was bleeding anguish.

"Why don't you get it Rachel? I wanted to turn myself into a man who deserved you, who was worthy of your love!"

"Why don't_ you _get it?" she fired back, "I never wanted anyone, _anything_, but you. It doesn't matter how successful you are now or how much money you have in the bank or how many people know your name. Those things never meant anything to me, I just wanted you.. but obviously_ I _wasn't enough for_ you_."

Finn tried to hide the tears as he continued to plead with her.

"You're getting this all wrong Rach! I know now that that choosing to go to USC alone was the biggest mistake of my life. But you can't deny that what we have is still as real and powerful as it was four years ago."

Rachel stared at the gum tarnished cement below her, refusing to look at him, holding back more tears as she defeatedly replied.

"All I ever needed was you. I would have moved to Antarctica to live in an igloo with you if you had asked me to, because you were more important to me than anything else in the world. But you chose to gallivant across the country instead of choosing to be with me. If you had really loved me you wouldn't have been able to cast me aside like that. I needed you like the air I breathed and had to attend rigorous therapy sessions and had to employ various psychotic Rachel Berry methods to try to forget you and the heartache you caused me. So now it's too late. It doesn't matter what's between us, I'm not going to let myself expose myself to something that toxic again."

...

Tears were falling freely from Finn's face as he watched Rachel run away, her body shaking with sobs. Half of him wanted to run after her to comfort and kiss her with all his might, but the other half forced him to stand his ground.

_She's right. You are a toxic presence in her life, all you've ever caused her is pain. You're no good for her and she deserves someone a thousand, no, a million billion times better than you. For once in your sorry life do the right thing and let her go. Again._


	14. The Enigma He Sings To

Chapter 14.

_A/N: _

_2 important points!_

_Warning: So things get a little dark in this chapter :( And it ends on a cliffhanger which makes it worse (I know, I know, it's awful and I'm sorry!). I can promise right now that no one will be dying in this fic and that the events that occur in this chapter will definitely be our boy* Finn's lowest point in the story. _

_* (Sidenote: to the reader who complained about this term of endearment, sorry it bugs you but it's just something that I do. I consider it the same type of abbreviation that calling someone 'babe' or 'dear' would be like)._

_#2: The song Finn sings is Jeff Buckley's 'Lover, You Should Have Come Over'. If you've never heard it, I sincerely recommend you listen to it. No, actually, I forbid anyone to read this chapter without listening to this song :) seriously though, it's just that earth-shatteringly incredible. Plus it captures the angst that Finn is feeling exactly, and it's also just one of the greatest songs ever. Really. It just might change your life._

_:)_

...

July, 2015. (a little over a month later)

Somehow they had managed to get through the rest of pre-production without having another falling out. The month and a half before Finn had had to return to LA passed by uneventfully. The two had just pretended the other didn't exist outside of their Wicked characters.

Now Finn was back in southern California, and Rachel had began shooting some of the non-Fiyero scenes.

And, consequently, Rachel was (as she had expected) adapting to screen acting fantastically.

Her confidence had also undergone a serious boost when she had actually won the Tony for best performance by a leading actress in a musical. It was supposed to have been the biggest night of her young life, the culmination of all her previous hard work. The realization of her biggest dream.

But it hadn't felt that way. The award ceremony had come and gone like a , over before she had taken a moment to appreciate it. Watching her recorded thank you speech afterwards, she had felt disappointed by the uninspired and bland quality of it. Yes, her smile had been wide and her words had been appropriately humble and grateful- but her spirit had seemed dry, fake almost, like a see through coat of lacquer with nothing underneath it.

Damn Finn Hudson. He just had to arrive at the peak of her career to ruin the joy she should have been experiencing. Just like he always ruined everything.

The tony had gone in her living room, and that had been its home for three weeks now, but now Rachel was questioning if that seemed too vain. She was currently sitting on her couch and staring at it. After debating with herself for a couple minutes, she finally stood up, took it off the bookcase, and decided to move it to a more discreet location in her bedroom.

When she got to her room, she immediately began scanning her surroundings to find a place for it. The bedside table? No. The window sill? No. The elliptical? No.

She looked down at the statue she was holding. And for the first time in her life, she was looking at a Tony award for what it was: a cold piece of metal, identical to thousands of other mechanically reproduced copies.

_It doesn't really mean anything does it? It's just a symbol._

Rachel suddenly couldn't remember why she had ever wanted this big, heavy, fake gold medallion in the first place. The pinnacle to her life's dreams had always only been _an object_. A feelingless, pulseless, ordinary object.

Rachel looked around at her desolate apartment. It was too quiet, too empty. She needed to distract herself. Putting the award down on her desk, she grabbed her hairbrush and began to sing the first song that popped into her head.

"_I follow the night_

_Can't stand the light_

_When will I begin_

_To live again?_

_One day I'll fly away_

_Leave all this to yesterday_

_What more could your love do for me?_

_When will love be through with me?_

_Why live life from dream to dream?_

_And dread the day when dreaming ends_

_One day I'll fly away_

_Leave all this to yesterday_

_Why live life from dream to dream?_

_And dread the day when dreaming ends_

_One day I'll fly away_

_Fly, fly away..."_

...

**(that evening).**

Kurt knocked on the door of Finn's condo.

He and Justin had made it down to San Diego after all. And now he was visiting his step-brother while he was in between promotional gigs.

Kurt was disturbed to see a bearded, drunken, and clearly unstable Finn open the door.

"Kurt!" Finn shouted, "Mahh boy!"

He was instantly throttled and given a noogie.

"Hey, watch the hair mister!" he yelled, pushing Finn away, "What's up with you?"

Finn led him into his condo carelessly.

"Nothing's up with me," he replied, "I am doing guhhreat!"

He began laughing uproariously, "Get it? Like the cereal tiger?"

Kurt glanced around the condo that looked like its innards had been hit by a hurricane.

"Yeah I get it. But it doesn't really look as if you're doing great."

"No really," Finn slurred, "I am like, so awesome right now.." he stumbled into the kitchen, "Do you want something to drink? I've got whiskey, beer, vodka, tequila, brandy.. You name it, I've got it."

Why did he sound so proud of the fact?

"Where's Melissa?" Kurt asked, "Why isn't she here taking care of you?"

"Melissa-" Finn pointed shakily at the picture of her on his coffee table, "told me to call her when I was sober and over Rachel Berry. But, as you can see, I am not sober, and don't plan on getting sober any time soon, and have also come to terms with the fact that I'll never get over Rachel Berry.. So it is just me, myself, and I, and that's the way it's going to be for a long, long time."

Kurt was more than a little disconcerted at seeing such a large man at a total loss of bodily and verbal control.

"Come on," he said, grabbing Finn's arm, "We need to get you some fresh air."

"No!" Finn pouted, "I like it in here, I'm safe in here."

"Let's... go!" Kurt yelled, using all his strength to drag Finn out of the door, "Justin and I went to this cool little open mic bar the other night, maybe some singing will do you good."

Finn's face lit up at the mention of 'bar'.

...

**(later that night).**

Rachel finished changing into her floral minidress and hurried to fix her hair in her brightly lit dressing room.

She jumped slightly at the sound of her phone's loud vibration.

Figuring it couldn't be that important, she focused on the bobby pins trying to tame her hairspray doused curls.

But then it beeped again, signaling a second text.

She checked her watch to make sure she wasn't late for dinner with Roger.

Nope, she still had plenty of time. So who could it be?

Sifting through her purse, she finally retrieved the little device.

**Finn: att LEast we''lll alwayz hav LLIMA.**

She felt her breath get caught in her throat. Why did she feel like crying? It was just a stupid drunk text. And a stupid reference to her favorite non-musical film. Nothing more.

The text had been followed by a prompt explanation.

**Kurt: Whatever Finn just texted you, please ignore it. He's radically inebriated right now and having something of a drunken meltdown. I tried to steal his phone from him, but he deleted all his outgoing messages before I got it. He will very likely not remember any of this, so save him the embarrassment and just erase the text he just sent you.**

Rachel suddenly felt sick to her stomach. Was Finn okay? Why was he doing this to himself? Didn't he know alcohol wasn't the answer to _anything_?

She shook her head to halt the direction her mind was going in.

_If Finn Hudson believes one lame Casablanca allusion is going to send me back into his arms he is sorely mistaken. Now pull yourself together Rachel, and get ready to dine with the most wonderful future husband ever._

...

Finn lifted his head groggily from the refuge darkness of his arms on the bar counter. This open mic bar sucked. It was full of pretentious hipsters singing in foreign languages dressed like homeless alien mutant wannabes. And he was definitely crashing from his buzz.

He groaned loudly as he remembered the text he had sent Rachel. They had passed a drive-in cinema on their way to the bar, and as soon as he stuck his head out of the window and seen it was playing _Casablanca_, he'd lost it.

He ran his hands through his air edgily.

God, he just wanted to forget everything. Forget the morons on stage who thought they were really cool. Forget the fact that his step-brother was treating him like a three year old kid. Forget about his stupid, embarrassing self. Forget about Rachel.

He got off his bar stool.

"Where do you think you're going?" Kurt asked shrilly, turning his head from the performers, "You're up in five minutes!"

Finn gave his step-brother a childishly annoyed look.

"I'm going to my car because.. because I forgot my pen."

"Why do you need a pen?" Kurt asked suspiciously, "And fine, if you insist on going to your car I'll come with you."

He began the process of jumping off his barstool when Finn swatted him away.

"Dude, I'm not even that drunk anymore because you haven't let me have another freaking drink. You don't need to supervise me okay? I need my pen because I want to draw a picture on this napkin because these performers are really bad and boring me. I'll be back before it's my turn."

Kurt narrowed his eyes before settling himself back on his chair.

"Fine, be immature about the fact that I'm trying to help you."

Finn fumed as he walked outside the open mic bar and into the deserted parking lot. He was sick and tired of having people call him immature. He was sick and tired of pretending everything was okay when it was far from being even remotely okay. He was sick and tired of suffering this constant pain...

And now that the alcohol in his veins was thinning, he was feeling the pain worse than ever.

He needed to get numb again, so he wouldn't have to face the awful reality of his situation. The reality that he needed Rachel in his life but she needed _not_ to have him in her life.

After a couple minutes of searching he finally found his black Lexus. He opened the passenger door and began rummaging through the glove compartment. His hands finally grabbed the emergency flask he was looking for. He groaned when he realized it was almost empty.

And then he saw the small orange bottle that had fallen out from the compartment.

His prescription pills for his insomnia.

His heart started pounding as he twisted the cap off. All he could think about was getting the misery to stop, that was all that mattered.

He poured half of what was left in the bottle onto his open palm.

Finn stared at the pills in his hand. Up until this point of his career he had been pretty smart and stayed away from any and all drugs (his mom had raised him right after all). But now.. he just wanted it all to go away, he wanted to stop feeling so much.

So he lifted his hand up and poured the pills into his mouth, closing his eyes as he swallowed roughly. His adam's apple throbbed painfully as they settled down his esophagus.

...

Rachel sat on Roger's expensive couch in his spotless living room, sipping a glass of red wine.

"So princess," her fiancee began, walking in from the kitchen with a plate of strawberries and whipped cream, "What will it be tonight?_ Guys and Dolls_ or _Funny Face_?

Rachel wrinkled her nose.

"I'm not really in the mood for any oldies tonight, maybe we could try something more recent for once?"

"But baby," Roger sat down next to her and kissed her on the cheek, "You know every modern piece of American cinema is total trash, and you don't like watching films with sub-titles so..." he stopped to think for a little while, before he came up with a solution.

"I know!" he said, moving up to the movie case, "_Casablanca_! I know you never get tired of this one."

Rachel choked on her wine.

"Something wrong?" Roger asked, glancing up at her after he put the dvd in the player.

She grabbed the remote and quickly turn off the TV.

"On second thought," she said, her voice a pitch higher than usual, "I don't think I'm in the mood to watch a movie at all."

Roger walked back to join her on the couch. Wrapping his arms around her, he began kissing her neck slowly.

"Well then what do you propose we do?" he asked, in what she presumed was supposed to be a seductive voice.

Rachel's eyes fell on the discarded Casablanca case. She couldn't help hearing Finn's voice in her head...

_We'll always have Lima._

Turning her head to towards Roger, Rachel rashly blurted out "I'm ready."

Roger looked at her with an expression similar to a child's on Christmas morning.

"Really? Are you sure?"

Rachel turned to look at Ingrid Bergman's and Humphrey Bogart's sepia colored profiles one last time.

"Yes" she replied stoutly, she was going to do whatever it took to get that farm boy out of her head for good.

...

Kurt got up anxiously as he watched Finn stagger onto the stage.

Something wasn't right..

"Because I don't have my guitar.." Finn slurred into the mike, "I'mma gonna have to do this one a cappella."

Kurt buried his head into his hands, he could only be thankful that no one had recognized Finn in the dodgy bar (he thanked the full face of facial hair Finn had yet to shave and the displeasing purple under-eye circles- also the fact that these hipsters all were 'too cool' to watch _My School Musical_).

He unglued his fingers apart when Finn's low, expressive voice began singing into the microphone.

"_Looking out the door _

_I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners_

_Parading in a wake of sad relations _

_As their shoes fill up with water"_

The bar suddenly quieted, everyone was captivated by the talented and gravely emotive man singing.

"_Well maybe I'm too young_

_To keep good love from going wrong_

_But tonight, you're on my mind so_

_You never know"_

His eyes were closed, lines furrowed between his brows, as if he wasn't aware of anything but the enigma he was singing to.

"_Broken down and hungry for your love _

_With no way to feed it_

_Where are you tonight? _

_Child, you know how much I need it._

_Too young to hold on _

_And too old to just break free and run"_

He was singing as if his life depended on it, pouring everything he had into the song.

"_Sometimes a man gets carried away,_

_When he feels like he should be having his fun_

_Much too blind to see the damage he's done_

_You know sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,_

_He has no-one..._

_So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn _

_Will I ever see your sweet return?_

_Oh, will I ever learn?_

_Oh, Lover, you should've come over_

_Cause it's not too late."_

Was that a tear trickling down his cheek?

"_Lonely is the room, the bed is made_

_The open window lets the rain in_

_Burning in the corner is the only one _

_Who dreams he had you with him _

_My body turns and yearns for a sleep_

_That won't ever come_

_It's never over,_

_My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder_

_It's never over,_

_All my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her..._

_Oh it's never over,_

_All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter..._

_It's never over,_

_She's a tear that hangs inside my soul forever..._

_But maybe I'm just too young to keep good love_

_From going wrong _

_Oh, oh, oh_

_Oh... lover you should've come over..._

_Yes, and I feel too young to hold on _

_I'm much too old to break free and run_

_Too deaf, dumb, and blind_

_To see the damage I've done_

_Sweet lover, you should've come over_

_Oh, love, well I'll wait for you_

_Lover, you should've come over_

_'Cause it's not too late."_

Kurt blinked back the waterworks. As fucked up as Finn was right now, that had been one of the most moving performances he had ever witnessed. Finn had really put his entire soul into it.

The audience clapped wildly, knowing they had just watched something really special.

But then everything changed. As Finn tried to walk down the stairs off the stage, he suddenly collapsed into a heap.

A couple people in the near vicinity went over to him, and attempted to help him, tried to see what was wrong. But Finn just lay there.

They began prodding him, trying to get him to stand up, all to no avail. He wasn't moving, his body was totally limp.

Kurt watched on in horror, before regaining the use of his limbs. He ran towards his step-brother.

He _knew_ something had been wrong..

"Someone call an ambulance!" he shouted, as he finally reached Finn, crumpled in a pitiful heap at the bottom of the steps.

"Finn!" he shook the heavier boy with all his might, but Finn's head just lolled unresponsively, "Finn! Wake up!"


	15. Has To Be This Way

Chapter 15.

**August, 2015. (A month later).**

He hadn't wanted to die. He really hadn't. He had just wanted to sleep. Fall into a deep, dark slumber so he could stop feeling, stop hurting, for a little bit.

It was only after he had woken up in the hospital- his stomach freshly pumped, Kurt sitting by his bed- that he had realized it had been a really _really_ stupid thing to do.

Finn knew he was lucky the media hadn't gotten a hold of the story, and after promising Kurt that it had been an accident and swearing him to secrecy, he had hoped his life would return to its usual pattern of uneventful inertia.

In the interest of reverting back to unfulfilling routines (which, he had decided, was better than dealing with the enormous disappointments of futilely hoping he and Rachel still had a chance), he had gotten back together with Melissa.

He had known that the aftermath of his and Rachel's break-up had been immediately devastating for _her_, but it wasn't until The Incident (as Kurt had dubbed it, capitalized letters and all), that he had realized that it had been gradually devastating for him too. He had made a mistake of epic proportions, and paid dearly for it.

And now he finally knew they could never be together again. Their brief reacquaintance and flirtation had almost destroyed him. So he'd finally admitted to himself that they'd have to go their separate paths for good.

So he had apologized to Melissa for being such a jerk, and admitted his feelings for Rachel. And she had taken him back after he had told her he wanted to be a better boyfriend and was going to try his hardest to get over Rachel. He had even bought a self-help book about getting over exes and everything.

Melissa had wanted to back out of the movie she was scheduled to do, so she could return to New York with Finn to 'make sure he didn't let that pint sized ho bewitch him again'. But he had eventually convinced her that that wasn't necessary- that he had learned the hard way that Rachel and him were better apart than together, and nothing would happen between them this time around.

The real worst part about his brief hospitalization was now his mom was calling him every five minutes to check up on him.

Finn had just been about to leave his hotel room that morning when his cell had rung again.

He agitatedly answered the phone, "Yes ma?"

"Hi honey I just wanted to see how you were doing."

He sighed frustratedly.

"I am doing as well as I was when you called this morning to wake me up, _30 minutes ago_."

"I know, and I'm sorry to be such a bother, but I'm just worried about you because I know that today's the big day."

"Mom, this is my 5th movie, I'm a seasoned actor now, and also an adult who can take care of himself, it's not that big of a deal anymore."

"Yes I understand that honey, but isn't," she paused, "isn't_ she _going to be there?"

Curse Kurt for calling his mom and telling her about everything that had happened.

"Seriously I'm fine! I can handle seeing her again. What happened last month, it was just a really idiotic accident okay? I wasn't thinking straight. It was a wake-up call though, I've pulled myself together ma, I swear.."

He crossed his fingers. Yes it was true that he wasn't popping any more pills or toying with the fragility of his life anymore, but hardly a night passed where he didn't turn to the bottle to soothe the storms that were constantly raging within him.

"Okay Finn I trust you. I want you to start calling me more though, okay? I haven't seen you in so long.. you should come back home to Lima soon, it'd be good for you, and you haven't visited in years.."

"Lima isn't my home anymore," he cut her off, "You and Burt know you can visit me whenever you want and I'll pay all the expenses like I've always done, but I'm not going back there. Anyways I have to leave now or I'll be late. But I love and miss you too alright? We'll see each other soon."

And with that they said their goodbyes and hung up.

Finn looked at his reflection in the hotel's bathroom mirror. Once upon a time he would have settled his nerves by chopping some imaginary adversary in the air with his fake ninja skills. Now he just blinked a couple times, and stared despondently at his empty face before walking out the door.

The passion within him had almost dissolved completely.

...

Rachel hadn't been able to go through with it. Just like she hadn't been able to sleep with that prat Jesse St. James seven years before. What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she have sex with anyone who wasn't Finn Hudson? It was sickening, mind-boggling, disempowering, and pathetic.

Rachel leaned her head against the head rest of the cab and sighed.

She was still waiting for the overdue tears of the break-up.

Yes, Roger had called off the wedding, and their relationship.

Rachel replayed the scene in her head. There had been no screaming, no fighting.. it had just ended. As suddenly as it had began.

They had been at lunch at an outdoor cafe- maybe he had thought it'd be easier to do in public.

...

**(3 days earlier)**

"I'm breaking off the engagement, and while I'm at it, I'm breaking up with you."

She had been completely caught off guard.

"Whu- Why? Did I do something wrong?"

That was when Roger had handed her some candids a sneaky paparazzi had snapped while she had taken Finn to the top of Empire State Building during their brief 'friendship'. The photos pictured them ignoring the view to just smile at each other- totally lost in each other's eyes.

Roger looked at her shocked face sadly before explaining.

"I guess I didn't see it before because I didn't want to see it. I just thought you were a generally private, guarded, and conservative young woman. But now I understand," He glanced down at one of the pictures, holding it up to her, "You've never looked at me that way."

"Roger," she started, "This isn't what it looks like, I would never cheat on you-"

"I know," he said, making her feel even worse for lying, "But that doesn't mean you don't love him. I'm assuming this Finn Hudson, the one you're filming that movie with, isthe same Finn your fathers told me about from Lima?"

She shook her head slowly in confirmation.

He went on, "Well at least now I know the real reason preventing you from truly loving me."

Why couldn't she say anything? Why wasn't she denying it? Why wasn't she crying? Why wasn't she begging him to let her explain? Why wasn't he more angry with her?

"I hope things work out between you two," he said, gathering his things and getting up, "I still want you to be happy Rachel, and it's obvious that he makes you happy."

Her gaze returned to the photos. She really had looked purely and unadulteratedly happy. She turned back to apologize to Roger but he was already gone.

...

The press hadn't gotten wind of the story yet, thank God. The last thing she needed right now was a bunch of photographers harassing her to find out the reason for the break-up, especially as they were still trying to start rumors that she was a homewrecker that had destroyed Finn and Melissa's relationship.

She hadn't even told anyone yet, not her dads, not Kurt..

She watched her cab driver swivel through the NYC traffic, honking loudly here and there.

So maybe Roger hadn't been right for her. But that didn't mean that Finn was. She would just wait until someone came along who would both be right for her and never hurt her. Finn Hudson couldn't possibly be the only boy on the planet who could make her heart flutter in that way...

She took a deep breath when she arrived at the set.

_You can do this Rachel. You're a strong, independent young woman who doesn't need a man to qualify her self-respect._

Smiling brightly, she paid the driver and got ready to face the day.

...

Neither of them had looked at each other yet. Finn knew this because he had perfected his peripheral vision skills through practicing the art of playing video games while keeping tabs on his surroundings.

It had been especially difficult for _him_, considering Rachel was painted green and all.

They stood there in full costume and make-up, in front of a massive green screen, a hundred people focused on them, positioned to begin their first scene, and neither of them had made any sort of interaction together whatsoever.

"Alright-" Rob shouted from behind the camera, "So you're releasing the lion from it's domesticated confinement, letting it go into the wild, letting it be free. And by doing this you're sharing a moment, you guys are seeing each other in a new light. Elphaba, you realize that Fiyero isn't as shallow as you originally thought, that there's something deeper behind that pretty boy exterior. Fiyero, you're realizing, for the first time in your life, that beauty is skin deep, and that there's a light that shines within Elphaba that makes her beautiful despite her appearance. When your hands touch as you watch the lion bound off into the wilderness, and you gaze into each other's eyes, you're not looking at each other's faces or bodies, but your looking into each other's _spirits_."

That was pretty deep shit.

Finn snuck a glance at the green girl next to him, wondering how this was all going to translate to the screen (there were supposedly going to be some gnarly CGI special effects to create the world of OZ, but as of now, they were pretty much working solely with their imaginations).

"And rolling-"

The cameras turned on.

They went through the movements, the same way they would one of the fully choreographed dance numbers. When their "eyes met", Finn chose to stare at start of her left eyebrow. He noted that it was a good, sturdy eyebrow, not too thin or wispy, like most girls'.

"Cut!"

He turned his attentions back to their director.

"Alright, so this is the first big Elphaba/Fiyero of the film," Rob began, "And I get it, there are nerves. But come on," he shot them a pointed look, "You guys just slept through that. Where's that chemistry I know you two have? Where's the spark? Do we need a minute to collect ourselves?"

Finn finally looked at Rachel, in the eyes. She shot him a death stare that said 'If you ruin this for me I will mercilessly disembowel you.'

Finn gulped and shook his head no.

Rachel nodded to Rob in agreement.

"Well okay then," Rob turned to the crew, "Take 2 then."

Take 2 had eye contact. And therefor sexual tension. Because let's face it, put Finn Hudson and Rachel Berry in a room and it's virtually impossible for there not to be.

When Fiyero's hand 'accidentally' brushed Elphaba's on the cage lock, the electricity was palpable. Down from the delicate touch of skin to the flaring look of passion that followed.

Yup. There it was. The "spark".

Finn could have sworn he heard a crew member take a sharp intake of breath.

"And cut!" Rob yelled loudly, this time with a much happier and self-satisfied tone, "Thank you two, for listening so well and being so brilliantly sexy. The rest of this should be a cakewalk."

Finn looked at Rachel before the camera crew began rearranging their positions to film another angle of the scene. He was pretty sure that she was the only girl in the entire world who could be both green and drop dead gorgeous at the same time.

And as he looked at her, feelings and instincts that he had been avoiding for the past month came flooding back through him. It took every ounce of self-control (and self-respect) that he had, to stop himself from reaching out and kissing her every time they got close to each other. The impulse was honestly stronger in him than the ones to eat or breathe, constantly needing to be monitored. And the worst part was, it was _always_ there, whenever she was near him. It was infuriating and enough to make him go certifiably insane. This was why he hadn't looked at her, because everytime he did, it opened the damn floodgates. And now he was expected to deal with this for another two and a half months.

...

"And that's a wrap for the day," Rob shouted, "Great job people, we shot some amazing footage."

Rachel breathed a sigh of relief. She could finally wash off the burden that was the green Elphaba body make-up, and get rid of the even bigger mental burden that was one Finn Hudson.

She watched him from the corner of her eye as he kept a wide berth of space between them as they headed to their neighboring dressing rooms.

"Rachel!"

She turned her head around at the sound of assistant director calling her name.

"The entrance of the building is swarmed with paparazzi, they think for some reason that your engagement has been called off? They're going absolutely nuts, we're sending you three security guards to escort you out once you've finished the costume and make-up removal."

Rachel paled.

"Thank you Jenna."

The older woman looked at her curiously.

"And yes," Rachel answered her silent question, "The engagement has been called off."

She whisked around dramatically only to see Finn standing a few feet away from her, eyes wide with shock.

"You- You and Roger are.. are done?" he sputtered.

"Yes," she responded curtly, before walking past him, "Not that it's any of your concern."

And with that she nipped any ideas he might have had straight in the bud.

Rachel Berry was an independent woman who didn't need a man to make her happy. Even if every nerve in her body had been screaming at her all day to jump into his arms or to attach her lips to the soft taste and feel of his- she was still a poster woman for self-discipline, and no awkwardly large and adorkable, Casablanca quoting, Ohio boy was going to change that.

...

Rachel and Roger had broken up. And she_ still _refused to give him a second chance.

Finn walked the busy streets of New York aimlessly. It was early evening. Shooting had finished over an hour ago, and Finn knew in another hour Rachel would be killing her performance as Maria a few streets away.

But he wouldn't let himself give in this time. He was going straight back to his hotel and not buying a ticket for his 8th viewing of _West Side Story_. Because that would only set off his descent into treacherous terrain.

_It has to be this way._

He had told Melissa that things would be different this time, and he had meant it. Finn and Rachel were done for good. He just needed to get through a couple months of filming with her (and she'd be green so it'd be easy to pretend she really _was_ a misunderstood witch from Oz.. at least that was what he'd have to tell himself) and it would be over. He'd never see her again and could try to move on. It'd be like pressing the restart button or something like that.

Finn stopped at a spirits store to stock up on his way back to the hotel.


	16. With or Without You

Chapter 16.

_A/N: _

_So I know this fanfic is pretty heavy, but I just wanted to let you all know that there IS a sunshine & rainbows, can't help but smile, happy ending to the story. There are just a few obstacles Finn & Rachel have to individually overcome before they can reach it!_

_And to maroonfox: Finn & Rachel weren't kissing on top of the empire state building, just looking at eachother- but it was ones of those really powerful, 'I'm secretly so in love with you' looks- and adoration was just shining from their eyes, & therefor it was easy for Roger to tell that Rachel wasn't really his. Sorry for not making that more clear!_

_The song Rachel sings is With Or Without You by U2._

_Also, thanks again for all of the reviews, you guys are awesome :)_

**October, 2015. (2 months later).**

They were entering their last few weeks of filming for Wicked, and Finn was steadily losing it.

Sitting crouched over on the floor of his hotel suite, a half empty bottle of Jack sloshing in his hands, he wondered how he had fallen to this low. He groaned as he heard the birds chirping outside his window. Looking over at the clock, he realized he had to be at work in two hours. Which meant he was going to show up on set half asleep and half drunk for the 5th time this week. His prescription for sleeping pills had been confiscated after The Incident, and he was pretty sure that he had gotten about 5 hours of sleep total in the past week.

It had all started 7 days ago, last friday.

The day when the 'tasteful sex scene' that had been added to the script had been set to be shot. Finn had known he wasn't going to be able to handle it without some liquid courage in his system, so he had downed a couple of shots beforehand.

But the scene had still ruthlessly eviscerated him regardless. Being so close to Rachel, his almost naked body against her half naked one, putting up the illusion that they were together in_ that way_, that intimate way he dreamed about so often, but cruelly knowing all along that it wasn't real, that it couldn't be.. well let's just say torture wasn't strong enough of a word to describe it.

He had spent the entire weekend in a delirious haze of alcohol intoxication. And he hadn't been able to get out of it in time for the start of the next week.

But he had rationalized that no one on set had seemed to notice that he had been drinking the day of the sex scene, so he figured it'd be fine to do again.

What he hadn't accounted for was the fact that he would continually be sleep-deprived and drunk for the rest of the week.

And even though no one had said anything to him yet, he was still aware of the judgmental looks he had been getting.

Thinking about it now made him bring the bottle back up to his lips to gulp wincingly. Hell, if he was going to make a total fool of himself today _again_, he might as well finish the week with a bang.

...

Rachel felt her heart drop as she watched Finn walk uncoordinatedly onto set.

_Not again..._

She couldn't spend another day like this. Not after the past week. Yeah, Finn was a good enough actor to get away with it, but this was becoming too much. Would he insist on showing up to set drunk every day until filming was done?

The worst part was, no one was saying anything to him! Just gossiping and speculating behind his back. Was this a common practice in the film industry? Because if it was, then the film industry was absolutely disgraceful.

Even though Rachel had made it a point not to talk to him outside of their characters up until now, she resolved that she needed to speak with him if no one else was going to, before the cameras started rolling. She braced herself before approaching him as the cameramen got prepared.

He was playing with one of his suspenders, totally absorbed with the snapping sound it made as he stretched it over his linen shirt.

She crossed her arms, "Finn," she said sternly, "you're drunk."

He let go of the elastic accessory to stare at her defensively.

"And your point is?"

Rachel could feel her face reddening.

"My point is that this is unacceptable behavior and totally unprofessional. What's gotten into you?"

He crinkled his brow defiantly.

"I'll have you know, _Elphaba_" he spat, "that alcohol is a wonderful thing. And it will not negatively affect my performance because I happen to have a supreme gift for acting, or so my critics say, and therefor _will still perform in a suitable fashion to meet your irrationally high standards_."

He spoke the last part of his defense emphatically, with a sardonic lilt, as if he was mocking her insistence to always speak over-articulately.

Rachel pursed her lips, trying to call that wide vocabulary to battle as she tried to come up with a response.

Finn always had been the one person who could put her at a loss for words. Because, unfortunately, even though he _had_ been drunk for the past four days, he had still delivered outstanding scenes.

"Well," she finally said, "_I_ don't approve one bit of the way you're handling yourself and your body, as if they have absolutely no value to you whatsoever."

Finn took a step closer to her and leaned his head down so his face was a couple inches from hers.

"Well," he mimicked in a whisper, (she could feel his hot, whiskey soaked breath) "What I do with _myself _and_ my body_ should be, how did you put it? Oh yeah.. 'none of your concern'."

His words infuriated her, but his expression- his overt anger masking his muddled and haphazard interior, crying for help- made her reach out for his hand, wanting to assure him that he had someone who was there for him..

But then Rob yelled "Positions!" and their little sphere was cracked as they headed to prepare themselves for the scenes.

And somehow, Finn _did_ manage to 'perform in a suitable fashion' for the rest of the day. Sure, Rob had needed to ask him to open his eyes wider for a couple of shots, but other than that, he had acted well.

But his drunkenness still bothered her, immensely.

Watching Finn engorge himself with alcohol and descend into a tailspin of disconsolate wretchedness was scaring her. And it wasn't because she thought he was hindering the project, but because she still cared for him, as much as she tried to fight it. She had never seen anyone get so carried away with alcohol, he didn't seem to know when, or how, to stop- and it was seriously frightening her.

...

Finn had thought time was supposed to make things better. Blur tough memories so they didn't sting quite as badly, desensitize you to difficult situations through the routine of repetition. Yet somehow, every day it seemed to get harder and harder for him to be around Rachel. And then when he'd remember that in a couple weeks he might never see her again once filming ended, he'd feel even shittier. It was just a never ending vicious cycle.

...

**(later that night).**

Mercedes, Tina, Kurt, and Rachel sat cozily on luxurious futons in their favorite cabaret bar. The place was packed and none of them were set to perform for quite a while.

Rachel idly stirred her virgin cosmo. She hadn't felt like drinking after seeing Finn that day. Alcohol just seemed really evil to her right now.

She tried to pay attention to the singer on the platform, but her mind was too distracted on the events that had occurred earlier that day. As much as she wished it wasn't true, she was really concerned about Finn. She couldn't understand why he was acting so reckless and depraved, why every day he seemed to fall deeper and deeper into this black melancholy.

Sipping her drink thoughtfully, she looked at Kurt (currently dishing out the latest gossip to Mercedes and Tina) sitting next to her, and debated whether or not she should talk to him about it. She had been making a point to avoid the mentioning of Finn's name lately, but still.. Finn was just so lost and confused, it wasn't _her_ fault she was taking a motherly interest in him. Plus, his actions were also thoroughly improper in the workplace, and even though filming was almost finished, Rachel could not sit by and watch him single handedly throw the whole production into flames with his irresponsible choices.

She stared at the drink in her hands, bringing her fingers to her lips unconsciously to wipe a little imaginary cosmo off, an unwelcome memory trickling through her.

It was the recollection of that scared, sweet little 16 year old boy, that made the decision for her. She needed to help _him_, that boy who's future shouldn't have ended up so immersed in alcohol and sorrow.

She leaned over to Kurt and spoke in a low voice, not wanting to be overheard.

"Kurt, I need to talk to you in private, it's about Finn."

He immediately became serious and nodded his head towards an empty couch in the corner of the Cabaret bar.

"Sorry girls," he said, turning to Tina and Mercedes on the opposite side of the little table, "Rachel needs some advice about some West Side Story related business, and well, spoiler-alert! We don't want to ruin it for you so.."

Mercedes gave him a dubious stare, before saying, "We've seen the show three times.."

"Oh well, you know.." Kurt grabbed Rachel's hand to leave the awkward situation. That had definitely not been his finest excuse but his mind was over-occupied with concern over Finn.

They walked over quickly before mirroring each other's criss cross applesauce sitting positions on the unused couch, preparing themselves for the heart to heart.

"Okay," Rachel started, "So, as you know, even though I shouldn't give a flying hoot about your step-brother anymore, I am nothing if not totally career-oriented, and Finn's actions of late have been meddling with my job. And also, I am just an exceedingly compassionate person, and might be a little bit worried about your step-brother. His lack of.. professionalism lately, is forcing me to _beseech_ you to do something about his current state."

Kurt stared at her anxiously, "What's been going on?" he asked.

"Well, filming for Wicked is almost complete. And last week we shot, a pretty.. intimate scene together, and I swore I tasted alcohol on his tongue. Those suspicions were later confirmed on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, yesterday and today of _this week_, when he failed to cover up the powerful stench of alcohol soaking his entire body and acted like a drunken buffoon. I don't know what's going on with him, but from what I've read and heard, everything seems to be howdy dowdy with Melissa, so I can only assume that he either a) thinks its okay to show up to drunk because we're almost done filming, or b) is doing this out of some sort of spite against me for rejecting his uncalled for advances in June, and then refusing to talk to him still after Roger and I broke up."

"Rachel stop," Kurt gave her a look that suddenly made her feel ashamed of herself.

"Finn's been having a hard time these days," he continued, "and you should know better than anybody that he's not a spiteful person."

"Well then you should talk to him," she returned, "Not only is this adversely effecting the film, but it will adversely effect his life. Granted, he is quite large, but no man can handle such excessive amounts of alcohol on a regular basis and stay healthy."

"Don't you think I know that?" Kurt returned defensively, "I've told him numerous times that he drinks way more than he should, but now he just does a better job at hiding his nasty habit from me."

"Well, if I were you" Rachel admonished, "I'd march right over to his hotel room right now and confiscate all the alcohol in sight. Then, I would sit him down and give him a serious and persuasive talk, before calling his mother to inform her of her son's problems. After that, I would research the best Alcohol Anonymous group in the city and subsequently force him to attend some meetings."

She gave him a disappointed look.

Kurt stared at her uneasily. He was clearly troubled about something.

"He's going through an existential crisis of sorts, Rachel, you need to cut him a break. What happened between you two before he left really shook him up. He doesn't know who he is anymore, what he has to live for. I've been telling myself it will pass, but I don't know.. Every time I visit him he's listening to the most depressing music ever, usually Radiohead, the other day it was that one song, 'How To Disappear Completely'?"

Rachel shook her head, signaling she was unfamiliar with it.

"Well I looked up the lyrics," Kurt continued, "and I found it particularly worrying, especially after The Inci- I mean, um.." he stopped himself suddenly, stumbling over his next words.

Rachel caught the slip up immediately, Kurt Hummel never missed a beat when it came to eloquence.

"What? The Insih- what?"

Kurt looked around nervously, "Nothing, nothing. Forget I said anything."

She gave him her famous death glare.

"Kurt Hummel you better elaborate right now or so help me God I will-"

He sighed exasperatedly before interrupting her so she couldn't get started on a rant.

"Okay fine! I'll tell you but you have to promise not to overreact."

He waited, silent until she'd confirm that she'd stay calm.

Rachel took his pinky and twisted it with hers before solemnly saying, "I promise."

"About a month ago Finn overdosed on sleeping pills."

Rachel froze as Kurt went on.

"He told me it was an accident and that it wasn't a suicide attempt, and I believe him because we were in public and he was extremely drunk in the first place. Obviously, he's totally fine now, although an ambulance had to come to pump his stomach and who knows what would have happened if he was by himself.."

Rachel put her arm on the back of the sofa to support herself. Tears were welling up in her eyes as she tried to comprehend what Kurt had just told her.

Why would Finn ever do something like that to himself? Even _she_, in all her darkest, _clinically diagnosed_ depression had never done anything that drastic. Could he possibly care about her that much?

_No. Finn told you he isn't happy with the Hollywood life. He's just one of those people that can never be satisfied._

But she knew in her heart that that was just a lie. To quell the knowledge that Finn Hudson cared about her deeply, possibly as deeply as she cared about him.

She didn't want to admit it to herself because she knew the moment she did she'd be racing to his hotel room to cradle him in her arms.

So she'd avert the powerful emotions brewing up in her by blaming someone for the awful news she had just heard.

_How had Kurt let this happen?_

Her face reddened with fury, before she turned to her pale best friend in unbridled anger.

"Finn attempted suicide a month ago and you're letting him live alone in New York City?" she practically screamed, "Are you the single worst friend in the entire world! Where is his mother? Where is his girlfriend? Why isn't he being chaperoned?"

"Rachel!" Kurt hushed, "You promised you wouldn't overreact. I've been spending as much time with him as possible okay? Finn_ swore_ that it wasn't intentional and I trust him. But nothing I, his mother, or his unloved girlfriend, say, is going to change him. I mean, Melissa doesn't even know about The Incident, and _he's _acting as if the whole thing never happened, a trick I'm pretty sure _you_ taught him."

"Don't blame this on me Kurt Hummel," Rachel yelled, her voice not decreasing in volume, "How was I supposed to know that Finn was descending into this bottomless pit of alcoholism, borderline suicides, and despondency? Plus, we both know that if I get involved, things will only get worse. I thought I was the only one that got messed up when we met again, but apparently we're both just really _really_ bad for each other."

Kurt looked at her uncertainly.

"I used to think that too, but I'm not so sure anymore."

Rachel laughed humorlessly, before sarcastically responding, "Yeah because my spending a summer in a madhouse and Finn going all Lindsey Lohan is _so_ the mark of a healthy relationship."

"All I know," Kurt shot back, "Is I've never seen Finn this dark and depressed in my life. And it's because you shot down any hope he had of repairing things between you two. And the only time I've ever seen _you_ that dark and depressed was when he misguidedly broke up with you, for what he thought was _your own good_. And truthfully, the only time I ever see you two look truly, honest-to-God happy, is when you're with each other. I mean look at you Rach- you might pretend that everything is great and dandy, but we both know that your lack of enthusiasm at the Tony's spoke volumes to where you are in your life right now. You're a shell of the Rachel Berry you were in high school because something's missing in your life, _someone_."

Rachel took a second to let that sink in. Her eyes were shining with tears.

"Well maybe I'd rather be a shell, than a woman who pays for genuine happiness with genuine pain.. maybe I'm just protecting myself."

"I don't know anymore," Kurt responded, almost to the point of tears himself, "But who am I to tell you whether you guys are better with or without each other. This is something you two need to sort out for yourselves."

Their conversation was cut short by a round of applause and an audience full of expectant eyes on them.

"I think you're up," Kurt whispered.

"Thanks Captain Obvious."

Rachel snapped back, she was still on edge.

But Kurt had given her a good idea for a song choice.

Walking shakily on the small stage, she told the small band her song choice before grabbing the microphone.

"_See the stone set in your eyes_

_See the thorn twist in your side_

_I wait for you_

_Sleight of hand and twist of fate_

_On a bed of nails he makes me wait_

_And I wait without you_

_With or without you_

_With or without you_

_Through the storm we reach the shore_

_You give it all but I want more_

_And I'm waiting for you_

_With or without you_

_With or without you_

_I can't live_

_With or without you_

_And you give yourself away_

_And you give yourself away_

_And you give_

_And you give_

_And you give yourself away_

_My hands are tied_

_My body bruised, he's got me with_

_Nothing to win and_

_Nothing left to lose_

_And you give yourself away_

_And you give yourself away_

_And you give_

_And you give_

_And you give yourself away_

_With or without you_

_With or without you_

_I can't live_

_With or without you"_

Rachel ran off the stage, wiping away tears.

Avoiding Kurt and the girls, she raced towards the exit and out into the busy city night to hail a cab. Singing the song had hit something inside her.

And all she knew was that she had to see Finn. Now.

...

_A/N pt. II:_

_Ahh I'm super stoked for you guys to read the next chapter, it's my favorite one so far! You'll soon find out what the title of the story was derived from :)_

_I also have outlines for the rest of the story mapped out, so just as an fyi: this is going to be a 22 chapter saga._


	17. Tired of Holding This Pose

Chapter 17.

_A/N: _

_The song Finn sings here is BRIGHT EYES' 'LANDLOCKED BLUES'. Seriously, you cannot read this chapter without listening to this song. Firstly, the title of the entire story is based on it. Secondly, it's just that good. And thirdly, it's just like a direct parallel to Finn's emotions and an explanation of his decision to break-up with Rachel after high school. So yeah I'll say it again: PLEASE LISTEN TO THE SONG IN THIS CHAPTER- IT IS THE THEME SONG TO THIS FIC! Thanks :)_

_And if anyone's interested, the song that inspired the *big scene* in this chapter is called 'One More Night' by the band Stars. If you can, you should try to listen to it too, it really sets the mood if you know what I mean ;)_

_..._

Rachel clasped her hands nervously as her taxi drove closer and closer to Finn's hotel. The events of the day had thrown her for a total loop, and she no longer had any notion of the difference between good decisions and bad decisions. Everything she had thought she knew about herself and Finn, and their relationship, had been turned upside down, and now she was just completely disoriented.

The taxi arrived at the large modern hotel Finn was staying at and Rachel paid him slowly. She was trying to give herself time to back out.

But the impulse to see Finn, help him, comfort him, _be with him_, was too strong to be ignored any longer. And it had successfully overruled her habit of overanalyzing every situation involving Finn and categorizing it to be a bad decision.

She stared at the revolving doors, the occupied bellhops and valet drivers, all bustling with purpose, energy. She craned her neck and lifted her head to try to see the very top of the building. Somewhere up there, on the highest story (she knew that he was staying in the same suite the studio had set him up in during his first visit) Finn was there, drunk and hurting. Gritting her teeth, she marched into the swanky lobby of the hotel. She didn't look back.

...

Finn lay sprawled out on his bed, eyes closed, stereo booming loudly. An almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his right hand and his guitar in his left. Radiohead's epic song, Creep, was on repeat, and he let the low, hypnotic rhythm, and the lyrics reflecting his feelings of displacement, drown out his thoughts.

He moved his head to look at the empty bottle in his hand angrily. Why couldn't he stop? He sat up and threw it against the wall. He didn't even flinch as it crashed noisily and shattered into a thousand pieces.

Taking his guitar, he started strumming some chords randomly. He stared out the window, and the shining city vibrating with life beneath him. Rachel was somewhere out there. Like her place in his heart, she was near, but too far away and unreachable at the same time.

He inhaled deeply, letting the stuffy air clear some of the alcohol out of his system, before moving his fingers deftly across the guitar strings to play his favorite song..

...

Rachel exited the elevator and walked evenly to Finn's room on the easternmost side of the hotel. She felt her throat clog up when she saw that the 'do not disturb' sign was lodged between the door and the wall, leaving his room open for anyone to come waltzing in to. He was too drunk and messed up to even properly close his door...

She knocked loudly.

No answer.

She knocked again, even louder.

Rachel panicked, remembering the reason she was here in the first place.

_I can't believe Kurt and his mother are letting him live by himself! He is clearly not in the correct frame of mind to be self-sufficient!_

The worries and what-if scenarios began piling up in her head until finally she pushed the door and went in uninvited. She breathed a sigh of relief when she heard the low rumbles of Finn's voice emit from his bedroom area.

Walking quietly to the shadowed doorframe (he was facing the other way) she watched as he let himself go into his music, opening his lips to sing.

"_**If you walk away I'll walk away**_

_**first tell me which road you will take**_

_**I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday**_

_**so you walk that way I'll walk this way**_

_and the future hangs over our heads_

_and it moves with each current event_

_until it falls all around like a cold steady rain_

_just stay in when it's lookin' this way"_

Even after all that had happened between them, the sound of Finn's deep raspy voice

(that practically exuded sex) still made her melt like a silly little girl.

"_And the moon's laying low in the sky_

_forcing everything metal to shine_

_and the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case_

_they argue 'walk this way walk this way'_

_And **she's** asleep in my bed_

_and as I'm leaving she wakes up and says_

_I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave_

_baby don't go away, come here_

_And there's kids playing guns in the street_

_and one's pointing his tree branch at me_

_so I put my hands up I say enough is enough_

_If you walk I'll walk away_

_And he shot me dead_

_**I found a liquid cure**_

_**for my landlocked blues**_

_it will pass away_

_like a slow parade_

_it's leaving but I don't know how soon"_

Rachel closed her eyes and let Finn's deep gravelly voice wash over her, the warm tones seemed to seep into her body, spreading peace to every particle in her body.

"_**and the world's got me dizzy again**_

_**you'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin**_

_**and it only feels worse when I stay in one place**_

_**so I'm always pacing around or walking away**_

_And I keep drinking the ink from my pen_

_and I'm balancing history books up on my head_

_**but it all boils down to one quotable phrase**_

_**"If you love something give it away"**_

She watched as he paused, that particular line affecting him more than the others, before he repeated it softly to himself.

"_**if you love something give it away."**_

Tears began to stream down her eyes, it was all beginning to make sense.. This was what he had been trying to tell her this whole time, but she hadn't listened.

They had always communicated through music. It was fitting that only his singing had the ability to pierce through the barricade she had erected around herself for the past four and a half years.

His voice became louder, inflected with more pain and angst.

"_We made love on the living room floor_

_with the noise in the background from a televised war_

_**And in that deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say**_

'_**If we walk away, they'll walk away'**_

_But greed is a bottomless pit_

_**And our freedom's a joke we're just taking a piss**_

_**And the whole world must watch the sad comic display**_

_**If you're still free start runnin' away**_

_**'cause we're comin' for ya!"**_

He returned to his resigned look, his voice reverting back to the quiet, raspy decible.

"_**I've grown tired of holding this pose**_

_**I feel more like a stranger each time I come home**_

_**So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame**_

_**Sayin' let me walk away, please**_

_You'll be free child once you have died_

_from the shackles of language and measurable time_

_And then we can trade places, play musical graves_

_till then walk away walk away walk away walk away_

_So I'm up at dawn, putting on my shoes_

_**I just want to make a clean escape**_

_**I'm leaving but I don't know where to**_

_**I know I'm leaving but I don't know where to.**__"_

She continued to watch as he lay his guitar down before laying his head down into his hands. Walking out of the shadows, she made her presence known. She needed to talk to him, and she needed to understand why they were torturing each other.

Finn jerked his head up when he heard her and stood nervously.

"Wha- What are you doing here?"

Rachel moved closer to him, until she was a foot away from his face.

"Why were you singing that song?" she asked, ignoring his question.

"I- I don't know, it's just my favorite song. I guess I sing it sometimes to remind myself of the reason I.."

His voice trailed off, before he raised his face to look at her searchingly.

"You what?" she asked, not knowing why it was so important for her to hear him say it.

That he broke up with her out of love. That he had put her happiness before his since day 1. That he'd 'given her away' because of some delusional idea that she deserved better. She'd been hearing him say these things, but she hadn't been listening. But after watching and hearing him sing that song...

He didn't respond, but only gave her a steady and intense look.

Before she knew what was happening, he had closed the space between them and his lips were on hers in a storm of fiery need. Her body responded instinctively as she wove her hand through his hair bringing him closer to her, devouring his lips just as harshly as his were battling hers. Her teeth grazed his lips, and her fingers ran across his scalp, as his hands pulled and pressed her tightly against him. They couldn't get close enough.

The kiss was punishing and famished.. and when Finn finally pulled away, Rachel felt as if her life source had literally been ripped away.

He looked at her, emotionally wrecked, before answering,

"I think you already know the answer to that question."

...

Finn turned away from her and walked towards the window, leaning his hands down on the sill while releasing the muscles holding his head up. He sighed as he traced the pattern in the carpet with his eyes.

"I think I do too." she responded, walking closer to him to rest a hand on his shoulder.

He lifted his tormented face to look at her. Her hair was mussed and her lips were red and swollen from the kiss he had just ravished her with. He had never seen anything sexier in his life. And then his body took control once again as he put his arms around her waist and bottom and picked her up to begin brutally kissing her.

He'd save thinking for later. All he knew was that he _had_ to have her.. _right now_.

She wrapped her legs around his hips and placed her hands on both sides of his jaw as she kissed him back furiously, her need just as great, just as desperate.

Taking a couple steps he propped her against the nearest wall and moved his attentions from her lips to the soft curve of her neck. Her little hands were running up his chest, pulling his shirt and scratching his back, and he'd never felt more divine touches in his life. She fumbled to remove his shirt before he helped her take it off, all the while keeping her lifted against the wall. His lips returned to hers, he couldn't get enough of her soft, warm, unbelievably sweet mouth.

"Finn" she murmured breathlessly between kisses.

He moved his lips down her throat, to that sensitive spot behind her left ear, her collarbone, the peaks of her breasts, he just wanted to taste_ all _of her, and he couldn't get enough. She responded by making the fucking sexiest little noises. Listening to them, he felt sure that he had never heard a more attractive sound in all his 22 years than her delicate, breathy moans. And right now, they were all his. She was all his.

...

"I need you," she groaned, his hand was running up her inner thigh and under her untucked and ripped blouse. She already felt as if she was on the brink of combustion, and she thought she just might die if he didn't put himself inside her, immediately.

"Now," she added urgently, unzipping his jeans and pulling his boxers down with them.

Finn gave a sexy, deep moan, before hoisting up her skirt and removing her lace underwear. She was still half dressed in her tattered clothing, but neither of them cared.

At the touch of his long, masculine fingers in her, moving fluidly to stretch that private area she had left unused for so long, and the feel of his tongue devouring her breasts, Rachel thought she might collapse. _Thank god _the wall and Finn's strong pressing body were supporting her weight.

"More," she begged raggedly, "I want you, _all_ of you, in me."

He didn't need any further prompting. Kissing her all the while, he gently guided his cock into her.

Her breath hitched as she felt the pressure push deep inside her.

"You okay?" he asked haggardly, breathing in deeply to try to fight the urge to immediately fuck her senseless, "You're ridiculously tight.."

"Mhmmm," she replied, the discomfort was quickly being re-replaced by a ravishing hunger. She began moving her hips up and down Finn's length to give him the go ahead.

...

He began thrusting into her with vigor, relishing in the hot, velvety feel of her, the feeling of the home he had been searching for ever since he had left her all those years ago.

She made him feel as if they were the only two people on the planet.

Rachel's head rolled to the side as she whimpered, totally lost in his movements inside her.

A loud groan escaped his throat as he continued to pound into her. He wasn't going to last that long, he had missed this, missed her, missed being with her, being _in_ her, _too fucking much_.

"Fuck," he groaned, pounding the wall next to Rachel with his fist. She . good.

...

Finn's kisses on her mouth and chest, Finn's body holding her, Finn's thick, throbbing penis inside her, Finn everywhere, fulfilling that desperate yearning she had had for him, was driving her over the edge.

It just felt so good, so right.

Something foreign was building up inside her. Something she had used to known but forgotten in disuse. The feeling of being whole, of belonging, of being loved. Of loving.

Kurt had been right, she _had_ been a shell of her former self. But being with Finn had filled her right up again. She felt like a real person again.

...

He began to move faster and harder in her, as her moans grew louder and more frequent, their completion just around the corner.

They reached their climax together, moaning each other's names in that transcendent moment of ecstasy, their voices, bodies, and souls mingling in the ultimate connection.

Neither of them had ever experienced that height of pleasure.

…

Rachel tried to catch her breath, tried to recover from the unreal euphoria she had just been apart of.

She was still pressed tightly against the wall, and Finn's hands were still wrapped around her waist, his head leaning on the space above her shoulder, his breath heavy on her neck.

"Hey," she whispered quietly.

He lifted his head to look at her.

"Hey."

She didn't know what to do, what to say. They felt so perfect together, they _were_ so perfect together. But that didn't change the fact that what they had just done was _wrong_, Finn still had a girlfriend. Not to mention they were playing with fire. If this had been her way of telling Finn she wanted, no needed, to be with him again, it would tamper with the fragility of their sanity. How could she have done that? Been so reckless?

But as she opened her mouth to begin apologizing and initiating the post-sex freak out, Finn brought a finger to her lips to stop her. The quiet movement and touch soothed her. The moonlight shone into the dusky room and partially illuminated Finn's face. He was so beautiful. She had never thought of a man as beautiful before, but Finn really was beautiful, his face as smooth and as breathtaking as a work of art.

"Let's not talk tonight okay?" he asked hoarsely, "Can we just enjoy this for what it is, suspend reality for one night, and just enjoy being_ together_. So that no matter what happens, we'll always have this night?"

She nodded slowly. She wouldn't ruin this by thinking too much. They'd deal with the consequences in the morning. For now, they would give themselves unconditionally to each other.

Finn lowered his head to kiss her slowly and deeply. They were still wrapped up in each other's arms.

He put his hands around her back and butt, and carried her to the bed before laying her down softly on his strewn comforter. Placing himself next to her, he slowly removed her torn blouse before carefully lifting her to pull her skirt off.

He kissed her ankle gently, before slowly moving his lips up her inner calf and knee.

"You are so beautiful," he whispered, his lips now on her stomach and breasts.

She closed her eyes and enjoyed the soft, intimate touches. So different from the rough and needy touches he had just been lathering her in.

Even though they had a lot to talk about, none of it seemed to be important at the moment. Being together, in this way, sharing that special connection, was all that mattered.

She felt something brush against her leg and smiled as she realized Finn was ready to do it again.

...

Finn collapsed next to Rachel, out of breath in the best possible way, his head spinning with happiness and satiation.

Moving to lean on his elbow, he turned towards Rachel. She was still panting slightly as she looked at him.

He opened his mouth to tell her how that had literally been the best sex he had ever had in his entire sorry life, but she stuck to their agreement and shut him up with her mouth.

"Mmmm" he murmured into her lips as she moved to straddle him and he snaked his hands in her hair.

They lay like that for what seemed like ages, just kissing each other, touching each other, before moving on to Round 3.

After, she fell asleep half on top of him. Her leg tangled in between his, her arm and head resting across his chest. And Finn watched her peacefully, as she breathed rhythmically in and out. He was sure that there had never been anything created in the history of the world that could hold a candle to her, her beauty, and the beauty of her spirit.

And it was right then that Finn realized that up until that moment he had been gradually disintegrating on the inside, and he hadn't been far from becoming a pile of obsolete nothingness. Her reappearance in his life, as _his_ Rachel, had saved him.

He thought he could die happily and complete after this, after knowing Rachel Berry that way one more time.

Even if tomorrow morning she told him it had all been a mistake and that she never wanted to see him again, it wouldn't matter.

He'd always have this night.


	18. The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Know

Chapter 18.

_A/N:_

_Sorry that the updates have taken a little longer as of late, but I've been incredibly busy lately so I haven't had the time to write as much as I'd like to. _

_So I just wanted to give you guys the heads up that it's probably going to take about 4-5 days for new chapters to arrive from now on. Sorry :(_

_But enjoy this chapter! Unfortunately , I just have to warn you, there are a couple of last hurdles before things can really be as heavenly and perfect as they seem for Finn & Rachel, so don't think this is the end (although we're kind of almost there, or at least approaching it)- there are still 4 or 5 chapters to go after this one!_

...

**Still October, 2015. (The next morning).**

The sunlight filtered into the bedroom of Finn's hotel suite, soaking everything with a golden glow, and waking Rachel up with one of its rambling rays.

As she lay in her hazy shroud, halfway between sleep and consciousness, she wondered why she felt so amazing. She felt thrilled, warm and fuzzy inside, and filled to the brim with joy.

And then she remembered.

Had it all been a wonderful dream?

No. Dreams didn't feel this real, this amazing.

Before opening her eyes, she tried to absorb the peaceful moment. She was lying on her back, and there was definitely a hand loosely intertwined in her right one, and a heavy (but oh so divine) arm draped across her stomach. Her legs were also entangled with a much larger pair. A thin messy sheet lay knotted around her feet. Her head was resting on her right cheekbone on a soft, slightly sweaty pillow.

She lifted her eyelids to the sight of a sleeping angel. No really, a ray of sunlight was falling on Finn's disheveled brown hair, giving off the illusion that he had a halo. He was sleeping on his side and their noses were barely an inch apart.

Rachel smiled as she carefully repositioned herself to lean on her side to get a better look at him, not breaking the contact of their bodies. He was so perfect, sleeping with his lips slightly parted, his broad chest breathing in and out softly.

_It should really be illegal to be that good looking. It's distracting to the rest of us ordinary civilians._

She raised her left hand to lightly trace the constellation of freckles and moles on his sun-kissed face. After all these years, she still knew the pattern by heart.

At the light touch of her fingers on his face, Finn began to stir.

And as he fluttered his half moon shaped amber eyes open, she realized she couldn't deny this anymore. Deny the opportunity to wake up to this every morning, this big, handsome, comforting man next to her. Deny this sense of waking up and feeling complete. Deny her love for Finn Hudson.

"Good morning" she whispered, smiling widely before kissing him lightly on the lips.

Finn looked as if he couldn't comprehend what he was seeing. As if he half expected last night to turn out to be entirely concocted by his imagination.

"Please tell me I'm not dreaming," he asked hoarsely.

His arm seemed to unconsciously tighten around her waist, as if he was afraid she'd disappear.

Rachel kissed him for a second time on the lips gently before answering.

"If you are, then I am too, which means we're both stuck in some alternate realm of the subconscious."

Finn's lips curved into a huge smile before he flipped on top of her and began peppering her neck and chest with kisses.

"Well," he said, looking up at her from between her breasts, "I'm pretty sure this would be the be the most awesome alternate reality ever, if we could just do this all day."

And with that he buried his head into her naked body again. Rachel giggled freely at his words, reveling in the physical contact of his mouth on her nipple, his warm, taught, body carefully on top of hers.

She pulled him up so she could look at him again.

"I agree," she smiled.

Finn laughed before placing a deep, heavy kiss on her lips. The kiss only lasted a couple of seconds, but both of them held on to it.

Rachel's eyes were closed, but she knew nonetheless that Finn's eyebrows were knitted endearingly together, the way they always creased when he kissed her, as if it was the most intensely moving experience in the entire world.

She switched their positions to roll on top of him, letting her hair fall around her face as she stared down at his eager eyes, flushed with lust and excitement.

"So let's get to it," she muttered coyly, before slinking her lower body onto his to rub his more than ready length. She was still sore from last night, but somehow, she still felt like she could do it for the rest of the day.

...

Finn leaned against the headboard and caught his breath, tired and satisfied from what he and Rachel had just done, and watched as Rachel wrapped the sheet around her glorious naked body and moved to get off the bed.

"Where are you going?" he asked anxiously. He couldn't help but worry that if she went out of his sight he'd never be able to find her again.

She smiled widely at him, obviously still riding the high of her last orgasm.

"Shower," she explained, putting her feet on the ground.

"Noooo," he said petulantly, grabbing her hand to pull her back on to the bed and into his lap, "We're in our dreamworld remember? Who needs to shower and face the day in a dreamworld?"

Rachel laughed loudly as she resignedly cuddled into him and lay her head on his chest.

"Mmmm," she mumbled into his collarbone, inhaling deeply with her eyes closed, "or you could just join me?"

Finn's ears (and somehow his dick) perked up.

But just when he was about to vigorously agree with her plan, Rachel's phone vibrated obnoxiously.

She gave a little jump at the noise before looking at Finn comically.

"Ahh, and the real world beckons.."

He put his hands around her ears childishly.

"I don't hear anything," he pretended, "Now back to that shower idea.."

Rachel laughed before suddenly freezing. She had just remembered something.

"Oh god, wait, what time is it?" she asked, panicked.

He turned to the clock, "11:15, why?"

"Shit!" Rachel cursed, before leaping off of the bed and bounding into the bathroom, "Because I have an extremely important meeting with the incomparably successful broadway producer and director Jay Baker that I was supposed to be at 15 minutes ago!"

Finn laughed even though the mood had totally just been killed. Even in an anxious rush Rachel gave overly detailed explanations.

But then he realized she was leaving. He leapt off the bed after her, shamelessly naked, and joined her in his bathroom.

She was trying to pull her tangled hair back while brushing her teeth and washing her face at the same time. Ever the multi-tasker.

He leaned against the doorframe and looked at her through her reflection in the mirror.

"When can we see each other again? When can we talk?"

Rachel spit out the toothpaste in her mouth and grabbed a towel to dry her face before turning to him. Pausing her hectic routine momentarily.

"As soon as possible," she replied, smiling, "Let's do dinner tonight. I don't know about you but.. I don't want to run away this from anymore."

Finn thought he had never heard more wonderful words in his entire life. He didn't know if he could fully trust his ears.

"Really?" he asked incredulously.

Rachel nodded enthusiastically, and they smiled at each other for another few seconds before the real world ruined everything again and her phone started ringing.

She ran past him in the doorway to answer it.

"I am so so sorry Mr. Baker, traffic is repugnantly horrendous right now and I did not account for it when scheduling my morning plans, but I will be there in twenty minutes at the latest."

Just listening to her speak, with that one of a kind, special, Rachel Berry vocabulary, expanded his heart like nothing else ever could. He loved her _so fucking much_.

Somehow she had picked up her skirt on the way to her phone, and was struggling to zip it as she apologized to the big shot broadway dude. Finn walked towards her and finished the job for her, straightening it before gently squeezing her butt.

Rachel held back a squeal and continued her conversation like a pro.

Finn spotted her discarded blouse a couple feet away and bent down to pick it for her. She smiled up at him gratefully as he handed it to her before saying goodbye and hanging up the phone.

"Thanks," she said, as she held up her ripped and buttonless blouse to the light, "but is there anyway I could borrow a shirt or something?"

Finn grinned before heading to one of his still unpacked and messy suitcases.

"Sure," he replied, "but it might be a little big."

He heard her laugh as he rummaged through shirts, trying to find a clean one. He finally grabbed a simple grey t-shirt.

"Here," he said throwing it to her.

He watched in wonder as she lifted it to her nostrils and smelled it deeply.

"It's funny," she said, pulling it on (it was so huge it could have been a dress), "You still smell exactly the way you did back at McKinley."

He didn't know how to respond to that, he was too happy and shocked to realize that she still held on to those little precious memories as tightly as he did, so he just continued to observe her as she fidgeted with the shirt and finally tucked it into her skirt, somehow managing to look fashionable despite the last minute wardrobe malfunction. His stomach fell as she grabbed her purse, he didn't want her to leave, even with the promise of seeing her in a few hours.

But then she ran towards him and wrapped her arms around him to kiss him goodbye spontaneously. The sudden feel of her body in his, the emotion she poured into the kiss, reassured any anxiety that had been in him.

"I'll see you tonight," she whispered into his ear, before hurrying out the door.

He felt warm and fuzzy inside. Genuinely happy for the first time in his recent memory.

He could scarcely believe it. Was the one thing he loved more than life itself, the one thing he hadn't let himself hope for, actually going to be his?

...

Rachel couldn't stop smiling. She was sure the cab driver had thought she was legitimately insane when she had practically shouted with joy the street names that she needed to get to. But she didn't care.

She literally felt like she was on the top of the world. Like she could do anything, and everything was possible.

This was what being in love felt like.

_What's that one quote from Moulin Rouge? Oh yeah, 'The greatest thing you'll ever know is just to love, and be loved in return'. _

Her smile somehow, impossibly, stretched even bigger.

_I knew there was a reason I adored that movie so much._

That had always been the pillar of her inner philosophy after all- that love, music, and passion could conquer all.

And it had.

Not only was she a Tony award winning actress with a burgeoning film career, but she and Finn would finally get their second chance. And she'd get her second chance at becoming a whole person.

A beep from her phone alerted her to a new text message. The smile stayed plastered on as she saw who it was from.

**Finn: So my hotel's room service is pretty amazing (the restaurant has two michelin stars and everything) so maybe we could just have a more intimate dinner here? Let me know :)**

Rachel quickly typed her reply.

**Rachel: That would be positively elysian :) I'll be there around 5?**

She knew that 5 was kind of early for dinner, but the thought of waiting longer to see him and talk to him after last night seemed unbearable.

**Finn: Sounds great :)**

Rachel laughed out loud at all of the happy faces they were throwing back and forth. It seemed they both felt equally ecstatic about the unexpected turn of events.

She was brought back to her surroundings when the cab stopped abruptly in front of Jay Baker's office.

She had no idea why the famous Broadway director had wanted to meet with her, but he was the biggest thing to hit Broadway since Andrew Lloyd Webber, and she was thrilled to learn what their meeting was to be about. Rumor had it he was currently developing a huge musical production that was expected to be the next stage phenomenon. Could he possibly be interested in working with _her_?

She paid the driver and bounced out of the car. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping. Things couldn't have been more perfect.

...

Finn couldn't help the gargantuan smile that covered his face for the entirety of his ten minute shower.

Rachel had been there when he had woken up. She hadn't disappeared like a mirage like he had thought she would. And the best part had been that she actually seemed open to discussing a future, _their_ future.

He walked out of the shower stall and rubbed a clear spot on the steamy mirror to look at his smiling reflection. He felt refreshed and elated, and that's exactly how he looked.

Last night had changed something in him, redirected the course of his life's ship so to speak, and he felt like a new person. He didn't know what was going to happen tonight, if Rachel was going to freak out and change her mind and reject him for the 80 zillionth time or not, but she had awakened something within him he had long since forgotten. There was a purpose to his life again, and it was love.

Knowing that he could feel the way he had last night, the way he did right now- knowing that that exhilaration, intensity, and inner _peace_, simply existed- could make all that had happened, and all that could happen, bearable.

As he walked back into his room, he was momentarily captivated by the delicate pigments of dust illuminated by the still shining rays of sun. All of his senses seemed amplified, every emotion heightened, every banality became poetic.

And in that instant, Finn realized that real life was a thousand times better than drunken life was. Why had he been dulling and numbing himself to the beauty of the world?

He quickly grabbed a garbage bin and began stuffing all of the alcohol littered around his room into it. The simple act seemed to symbolize something to him, as if it was the turning point of something.

After putting the bin outside his door for the maids to collect, he sat on the sofa and debated whether he should spend the afternoon at Central Park, the Public Library, or the Museum of Modern Art. He hadn't done any touristy things on this second visit to the city, and he really wanted to just wander around and soak in the essence of New York.

He associated Rachel with New York.

But then a nagging voice popped in his head, reminding him of something unpleasant he had to deal with before he could explore the city.

_Melissa._

Feeling a little air deflate from his emotional balloon, he walked towards his phone. This was not going to be a fun break-up.

He twiddled his thumbs as he put his cell on speaker and listened to the dial tone.

"Hey baby!"

Her shrill tone of voice was such a stark contrast to Rachel's honey sweet one, that it made him marvel that he had ever been able to deal with listening to her.

"I slept with Rachel last night," he blurted out.

Silence.

"And we need to break up. For good."

Silence.

"I know I'm a really shitty guy and I should never have gotten back together with you- actually, I should have never dated you in the first place all things considered.. but yeah.. I'm sorry, I really I am. But I'm never getting over her, and I realize that now, because she's my one true love you know? Like my soulmate.. But you know what? I now believe that everyone has a soulmate, and I just wasn't yours, so really, we were just wasting our time you know? And I'm sure somewhere out there is some guy who-"

Beeeeeeeep.

Finn looked down at his phone. She had definitely hung up on him. About 10 seconds ago. Somewhere between the first time he had said 'soulmate' and the second.

He sighed in relief. He had been expecting much worse.

He got up and stretched his arms and legs, the huge grin back on his face. He was stoked on the world and excited to be alive.

...

Rachel ran her hands through her hair nervously as she dropped onto her bed face down after the meeting. Thoughts were processing in her head furiously as she tried to wrap her mind around what had happened in the last 24 hours.

Jay Baker had just offered her an original starring role in the new musical he was developing, that was slated to debut on London's West End in two years (rehearsals would begin in a little less than a year, just in time for her to complete her contract with _West Side Story_). She had read some of the script, heard some of the music, and knew that all of the hype surrounding it was warranted. By taking this job, she would cement her star status in the world of musical theatre and forever be a legend. She would also have to pack up and move to London and sign a three year contract.

She had never gotten the honor to be the originating headline actress in a fresh, new musical. And this was expected to be the next big thing in the world of musical theatre (along the lines of _Phantom of The Opera_ and _Wicked_).

But she just didn't want to go. The thought of leaving New York, and worse, leaving Finn after what they had just shared, horrified her.

Even though she had no idea where she and Finn were going to go from here, she did know that there was _somewhere_ to go now, and she really wanted to stay to find out exactly where that somewhere was. If that made any sense whatsoever.

Today, the pep in her step today hadn't been artificially and mechanically forced. And it was because for the first time in recent memory, she had felt genuinely peppy- as energized and hopeful and bright as she had in high school, a time when the world really _had _been her oyster and anything/everything had been possible.

Jay had given her a week to formulate a final answer, but she thought she might not need that much time. Depending on how things went tonight. Her heart was in New York, her heart was with Finn, and she couldn't leave them.

Turning her head to look at the clock, she saw that she had two hours before she was supposed to meet Finn for dinner. Butterflies began fluttering in her stomach at the thought of seeing him. He was the only person who had ever been able to incite that wonderfully nervous feeling in her.

Tonight was going to be a big night.


	19. Moonless Night

Chapter 19.

**(seconds later).**

Rachel's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her cell notifying her to a text message.

She got off the bed laboriously and checked her phone.

**Kurt: What happened to you last night? You just vanished on us, plus you haven't returned any of my calls from this morning. If you don't text back I'm going to be forced to assume that when you left you went to see Finn (who also isn't returning my calls) and either you guys murdered each other or have been engaging in hot passionate make-up sex for the last 16 hours. Both options are raising my blood pressure, and that's just not okay, so RESPOND WOMAN!**

Rachel gulped. She had figured she'd update Kurt on everything once she _herself_ knew what was going on. But he was too impatient.

Biting her lip she tried to compose a sufficient reply.

**Rachel: Yes I saw him last night. No comment on your 'assumptions'. Basically we're having dinner later to figure things out. And I'm thinking maybe.. I've been fooling myself by thinking we're better apart than together. But that's all you're getting out of me today. I'll call you tomorrow. xo.**

...

Finn stared at the golden and teal hues in front of him. So this was it, huh. Van Gogh's 'Starry Night' in all its glory. He'd been standing in front of it for 10 minutes, attempting to absorb all the little details, following the disjointed brush strokes with his eyes arbitrarily.

He had decided on MoMA, even though the enclosed space and large crowds might make things messy if he was recognized. But when he had looked up their website and seen that they had one of the most famous paintings of all freaking time, he decided it'd definitely be worth it. And he had recently gotten a really large baseball cap that had proven to be quite an effective cover, especially when he wore these grandpa sunglasses he owned with it.

He wasn't actually that much of an art connoisseur, all he really knew was confined to what he had learned in elementary school fine art class. But this painting had always been one of his favorites. He liked it because it was inelegant, almost crude, but still had its own little charm. It wasn't perfect and refined or conventionally beautiful, but it was special in the way it was different.

He had just been about to finally move on to the next painting when his phone began beeping loudly. The museum was silent and he got a couple dirty looks from the people next to him and a nearby security guard. Flustered, he quickly took it out of his pocket and walked towards the empty hall outside the restrooms.

**Incoming Call: Janice**

They had just reviewed his schedule over email, and it was a Saturday, why would she be calling him?

Pressing the green answer button, he tentatively said, "Hello?"

"I just talked to Melissa," she sounded like a disappointed parent, "and she just informed me you broke up with her for your little new co-star."

_Fuck me. This is what I get for blowing off Melissa so many times that she eventually became best friends with Janice._

"Umm yeah that's about right."

Her tinny voice raised perceptibly.

"Finn are you really that dim? _My School Musical 2_ has _just_ come out, a break-up now would be absolute disaster. The critics are already slamming the film and the most of the people who are paying 15 dollars to go to see this terrible movie at a damn theatre are those who are invested in your and Melissa's relationship. Not to mention the fact that mere speculation that you've been emotionally cheating on Melissa has already lost you some fans. You need to realize that not only will the people at Disney be furious if this speculation is _confirmed_, but you'll also be endangering your chances at getting another big fat paycheck for _My School Musical 3_, which is already under development if you forgot. Luckily for us, I actually think with my head and not my dick, so I managed to calm Melissa down. You have to call her right now though to repair this."

He reddened with anger. This was so not fair. Janice was right about one thing though, she might not have an actual dick but she certainly acted like one sometimes.

"No way. No fucking way."

"Do you have any idea how dire the consequences of this could be!" She was screaming now, "This could potentially ruin your carefully cultivated wholesome Disney boy reputation and put your entire acting career at stake. Let's face it, your demographic is composed almost entirely of teenage girls. When they read in the tabloids that you cheated on Melissa Holloway, their idol, for the next pretty little thing you did a movie with, not only will your contracts with Disney become irreparable, but you might not even be able to salvage any acting career whatsoever. It's not like you have a ton of serious directors knocking down your door that consider you a real actor. And to the people who you _do _matter to? You'll be labeled as a villain, and no romantic comedy or teenage musical movie producer is going to want to hire an actor who's the object of their demographic's wrath."

"I don't care," Finn spat stubbornly, "I care about Rachel more than my stupid movies."

Janice sighed loudly.

"I'll tell you what," she said after a short pause, "Melissa seems more upset about the damage this will do to her image. She was going on and on about how she refused to be the jilted woman at age 22 when she was still in her prime and hadn't even had to get botox yet. So what if we make a deal. You and Melissa can just put up the front that you're still dating for a few months until the movie's released on DVD. After that, you two can make a polite, public statement that you two are going to go your separate ways and that it was a mutual decision. You can still date Rachel or whatever on the side until then. And after the break-up, just wait another couple months before you two go public. You can say that she was there for you to help mend your broken heart or something cheesy like that."

Finn didn't answer. What would Rachel think about that? It actually didn't seem like too awful of an idea. And when it all came down to it, if Janice was right, and the media publicly humiliated him and portrayed him as an evil man whore, and really _did_ prevent him from getting any more jobs, he'd be royally screwed. Yeah he had a lot of money and could probably live off of it comfortably for quite a while, but the idea of becoming another Hollywood joke, another washed up, one-hit tween wonder, made him shudder. It would mean everything that had happened to him, all the success he had found, would just have been a temporary detour on the path to becoming a Lima loser. Would he ever be able to escape that place?

But still, he knew that Rachel wouldn't be okay with it. She had a tendency to always need to be the #1 person in everybody's life, and obviously she always _would_ be his #1, but she might take this the wrong way, especially when their relationship was on such fragile ground already.

"And," Janice's voice interrupted his thoughts, "If you really care about this Rachel girl all that much, how can you condemn her to be branded as a despised homewrecker for the rest of her life? Do you really want her to have to deal with Perez embellishing devil horns and pornographic innuendos on her pictures? Do you really want to risk _her _career too?"

She was right. Rachel had been distressed enough by the pornographic pictures of her drawn on the bathroom stalls in high school. He couldn't let that happen all over again on a more public scale (Perez Hilton was like the high school bully of Hollywood). It would crush her.

He sighed in defeat.

"Call Melissa and ask if she'd be okay being in a fake relationship for a little while. If she's fine with it, I am too."

...

**(2 hours later).**

Rachel hurried down the crowded street. The traffic had been awful as usual so she had decided to walk the last three blocks to Finn's hotel. She was running a little early anyways, and she had a lot of pent up energy she wanted to get rid of, and walking usually helped effectively calm her nerves.

Walking passed a small news stand, her attention fell on a tabloid with a huge photo of Finn and Melissa (arms linked on the red carpet of a _My School Musical 2_ premiere) on the cover. The title read 'Beautiful It Couple On The Rocks?'.

Sometimes she forgot he was so famous. But it was instances likes this, that hit her totally out of the blue, that she'd be reminded of what a big star he really was.

She stopped to buy the magazine. Flipping to the article, she paused on the corner of the street to scan the pages.

It was basically just more idle speculation that Finn was too flirtatious with his new Broadway co-star 'Rachel Berry'. Her eyes wandered to another photo of the pair on the opposite page. Her confidence was slightly shaken as she stared at the stick skinny blonde whose height matched Finn's much better than her own. In the bottom corner of the full page photo was a little blurb with a god-awful photo taken of her at one of her performances (could they have found something more unflattering? Seriously, her nose was not _that_ big, but the camera angle made her look like an elephant) and underneath it was the little caption: 'downgrade?'.

Rachel clenched the edges of the magazine angrily. How could people presume to be so cruelly judgmental on an issue they knew nothing about? Her eyes bore lasers into Melissa's perfectly symmetrical face, long blonde hair, and ice blue eyes.

She laughed humorlessly. Yeah, they were a 'beautiful' it couple. It was strange that someone as pretty as Melissa hadn't been enough to help Finn get over her.

Or maybe it had. And Finn was just getting bored of Melissa now, like he had gotten bored of _her_ after graduation.

_Stop it. You know that's not true. All you have to do is remember what's happened between you and Finn in the last few months to know the fallacy of that statement. _

But still, it was hard to stop believing something you had been convinced of for 4 years in one day, with one song. Her self-esteem seemed to be permanently traumatized from that break-up.

And she hadn't even considered what getting back together with Finn would do to their public images. Ever since moving to New York she had done a pretty thorough job of keeping her past life hidden from the media. Her past was kind of a mystery and she had wanted it to be that way (having Lima, Ohio origins was so not trendy in the world of celebrities).

Her level of fame wasn't nearly as large as Finn's, but after the whole engagement/break up with Roger, and being cast in _Wicked_, she had had to deal with a significant increase of invasive press. Was she prepared for that to become increased even more?

Maybe getting back together with Finn wouldn't be as easy and perfect as she had imagined it to be this morning.

She checked her watch and saw that she was running a little late. Stuffing the magazine in her bag she speed walked the last two blocks to Finn's hotel.

...

Finn had known right when Rachel had come in that was something was off. He wondered if she could tell something had changed with him too.

There was a tenseness in the air that definitely hadn't been there this morning.

Janice had texted him twenty minutes after their talk to notify him that Melissa agreed to the deal to keep up a front of the relationship for the time being.

Now he just had to talk to Rachel about it.

"Hi," she said, making a movement to hug him.

His hands were in his pockets and he went for a kiss instead.

They laughed uncomfortably at the bumbling of awkward movements.

"So.." he started, "Um the room service menu is on the desk if you want to look through it."

"Oh yeah sure," she replied, heading over to picking it up, "The room looks good," she smiled and gestured to her surroundings, "It's much cleaner than it was this morning."

Finn grinned sheepishly, "Yeah.."

He watched as Rachel gave him an uncertain smile as she opened the menu and began perusing it.

AFter a couple of minutes, Rachel looked up at him and pointed to something on the menu with her index finger, "This cranberry walnut salad sounds good."

Finn walked towards her and picked up the phone that was also sitting on the desk.

"Are you sure? That's all you want?"

He felt like they were on pins and needles, they were both treating each other like porcelain figurines or something.

After placing their order (kobe beef burger with truffle oil fries for him) he sat on the couch a few yards away from her.

Rachel got up suddenly and sat down on the opposite side of the couch, pulling a magazine out of her purse.

"Guess what I passed by on my way over here?"

Her voice sounded deceptively light, but he knew she was covering up some deeper emotion.

His eyes fell on the photo on the cover. He hadn't seen that one yet (but he'd been ignoring all of his publicist's calls and emails for the past month too).

Finn laughed nervously, what was Rachel getting at?

"The title kind of reminded me of this one time last year when I unknowingly visited a magazine stand only to see that you had been one of the guys chosen to to grace the '100 Most Beautiful People' issue. And I was just in awe, for the rest of the day I couldn't stop thinking, had I really dated one of the 100 most beautiful people in the world? I mean, I know those lists aren't conclusive or anything but still."

"Yeah that was weird.." he still wasn't sure where she was going with this.

"But not undeserved," she continued, "Because you really are the best looking guy I've ever met. Granted, I might be biased, but it's the truth. And this photo of you two," she looked down at the magazine, "I must admit you guys are really quite the beautiful power couple... I guess it just reminds me of how unattractive I am compared to you, and your girlfriend. And then reading the article -it's all about how I'm coming between you two- even_ I _felt like the villain and I'm part of the real story you know? It's just strange. To have your life under the microscope like that. Not that I'm not ready for it, because I understand that's a side effect to world fame, which, as you know, is something I've wanted ever since I was 18 months old."

She paused, realizing she had just been blabbing.

"I don't even know why I brought this up," she explained, "it's just, we're here to talk right? And be open and honest? Well this is what's on my mind. I'm just trying to consider all of the ramifications of any possible future choices I make. But," she finished, taking a deep breath, "I don't think I really care about anything besides the way I feel for you."

Finn realized she had just given him a perfect window of opportunity to bring in the whole Melissa thing. But some part of her little stream of conscious speech really bothered him, and he had to clear something up first.

"Are you kidding me Rachel?"she looked surprised at his odd reaction, "It's like, inconceivable to me to include your name and 'unattractive' in the same sentence. Have you ever looked in a mirror? You're gorgeous. Yeah, maybe not in a conventional way, but that just makes you all the more gorgeous because your beauty's unique. I think that's what makes you like, the most beautiful woman on the planet to me."

Rachel laughed loudly.

"That's funny Finn, but we both know that's not true. Yes I might have my own special brand of unconventional beauty. But we both know I'm far from being the most beautiful woman on earth. I can't ever compare to girls like Quinn, or even Melissa, whose nose is, let's face it, about a third of the size of mine even though she's a good six inches taller than me. They're just on a whole other level."

Finn started at her unbelievingly. Was she serious?

"That's where your wrong," he leaned forward seriously, "When I look at you.. I can't even explain how damn stunning you are to me. Your spirit like, literally shines through and makes you iridescent in a way I've never witnessed before. Your beauty is so unparalleled to me, that it always outshines everyone in the room. Remember that event at the Met? I couldn't tell you anything about the room it was held in, or any of the guests there, because all I was looking at during that party was you. It's like when.. the moon's really full and bright, it dims all of the surrounding stars..." his eyes got that far off look in them as he continued, "And I was living so long in this moonless night, that it didn't even matter how bright the stars were or how many there were, after knowing the moon and loving the moon, how could I ever be happy with a sky without it? It'd always be too dark, too lonely... That flickering memory of moonlight would never let me be at peace."

...

Rachel tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. She cleared her throat.

"That was some extended metaphor."

Finn looked away, clearly a little self conscious about everything he had just poured out to her.

He didn't know that he had just placated all of the doubts that had been plaguing her. He was all that mattered. This was all that mattered.

Scooting closer to him (they had been trying to keep a distance between them ever since she had arrived), she took one of his hands and clasped it in both of hers. She loved that feeling- holding his big rough hands in her small soft ones.

"But thank you," she whispered (Finn turned his head to look at her again, and that familiar heat rose in both their faces as they stared deeply into each other's eyes), "You always know just what to say to make me feel better, feel safe.."

She leaned into him slowly to bring her lips to his. She was suddenly acutely aware of the tingles his warm hand was sending down her spine, as that familiar warmth awakened in her lower abdomen (she wondered if they'd have time to fit in a quickie before the food arrived).

"Wait," he whispered, stopping her millimeters before she made contact, "I have to talk to you about something first."


	20. Fragmented Shards

_Chapter 20._

_A/N:_

_We're approaching the home stretch (my initial speculation at chapter numbers keeps increasing, but let's just assume for now this will end at 23 chapters + an epilogue, however I make no promises). _

_Thanks to everyone for being patient through the longer updates. Sorry this chapter's a little shorter, but I should be able to get the next one up quicker because of that, and since this is kind of a difficult one to stomach, I thought that'd be appreciated._

...

"_I have to talk to you about something first."_

Rachel froze. With that short sentence all of her second guessing came rushing back.

_I knew it. Something had to go wrong. Of course it would. He just wants what he can't have and now he's already over me. Or maybe he just realized everything he just said was cock waddle and he's seeing me clearly for the first time in his life. And what he sees is not beautiful whatsoever. _

She searched his face, looking for something to reassure her that she was mentally overreacting as usual.

But he just looked worried, with his brow slightly furrowed and his lips slightly parted, as if he was trying to recover from the 'almost kiss' to gather his thoughts together.

She pulled her head back and crossed her arms, using her body language to tell him that she was waiting.

He kept opening his mouth to start speaking, and then closing it again. He always became verbally challenged when he was nervous. She was fed up.

"What do you mean? Just say whatever it is you have to say. I can handle it."

Her voice sounded blunt and harsh, but she just wanted to get the bad news out of the way so she could stop wondering if she had put her love and faith in the wrong boy _again_, the exact_ same _wrong boy to be specific.

"Well it's not that big of a deal," he began cautiously, "It's just..." he rolled his eyes to the side before blurting out quickly, "My agent asked me and Melissa to pretend to still be in a relationship for a little while and I told her okay."

Finn blended all the words together with a rapid fluidity, as if he was speaking in double speed. To most people the sentence would have been totally unintelligible, but Rachel knew he used this tactic whenever he had to deliver unpleasant news, and had long ago learned how to decipher it.

She took a deep breath and tried to process the information with a cool head.

He expected her to date him secretly. To sneak around like they were doing something wrong. It would feel like Sophomore year all over again.

"Why?" she finally asked.

He breathed a small sigh of relief, obviously glad that she seemed to be taking this calmly.

"Because she's afraid we could both mess up our public images by getting together now. It'd look like I cheated on Melissa with you and that would be really bad publicity. But it'd only be for a little while, until a few months after the the My School Musical 2 dvd comes out."

"And when would that be?" her voice came out colder than she had intended it to be.

He frowned.

"I'm not sure, 6 or 8 months maybe?"

Rachel was silent.

This was too much.

"Rach- Janice thinks this could really ruin both of our careers."

"You mean she thinks _I_ could ruin y_our_ career."

"No it's not like that, it's just, you know 'the other woman' always gets more flack than the guy, and even though it wasn't like that, and there's more to our story, that's what everyone would assume, and it would just really suck because we've both worked so hard to get where we are.."

The other woman. He had just called her the other woman. This was not happening. She couldn't hear anymore.

"I'm not some Hollywood movie star Finn!" she interrupted, "Actresses on Broadway are judged for their talent and talent alone. People don't come see my shows because they see me on the cover of Vogue Magazine or advertising lipstick for Maybelline. Publicity isn't as central to the careers of musical theatre actors because we're_ real _artists who actually have to be able to sing well, act well and dance well to get where we are."

A spasm of hurt flashed across his face.

"So you're saying I'm talentless and got to where I am through luck."

"No! Ugh," she groaned in frustration, "I'm sorry, I don't even know why I brought that up, I'm just.."

Hurt. She was just hurt. But she wouldn't let him know that.

"Give me a minute," she said suddenly, getting up to go the restroom.

She closed the door and locked it, moving to the sink to splash some cold water on her face.

How could he do this to her? She was furious (the anger building in her like the slow and steady lava in a volcano).

She had literally been on the verge of declining the career opportunity of a lifetime just because Finn had sung a damn emotional love song. Would he ever love her as much as she loved him? Would he ever put her first?

That's what it had always come down to hadn't it? First it had been Quinn, then his reputation, then his inner rock star, then college, couldn't she ever be good enough for him on her own?

The worst part was that he had agreed to it without consulting her first. She had put every decision she had been asked to make that day on hold, because she had pushed this thing with Finn to the forefront. While he just carelessly made life-altering choices that affected the both of them without a second thought.

She stormed out of the bathroom, ready to tell him off. He had screwed up _everything_, again, and now she just had to yell at him.

"Are you even listening to yourself! Considering what it is you're proposing to do. You're 100% alright with lying and cheating to benefit your career. I thought you had morals Finn, principles. But here you are proposing I engage in this despicable deception with you, without even batting an eyelid. What happened to you?"

She knew that that wasn't the real reason behind her anger, she knew it was all part of the game of Hollywood, but it did irritate her that her sweet innocent small town boy had changed and hardened enough to willingly become a player in that awful game.

Finn whitened at her sudden strong reaction that came out of nowhere. He stood up from the couch and tried to come up with something to say.

"I- I-" he stuttered.

His inability to respond with _anything_ just made things worse. If he had just hugged her, comforted her, told her it was alright and that they could get through anything, things might have turned out a lot better.

But he didn't. He let his fear of losing that which he had already given away paralyze him.

And so her cynicism began permeating through her like a demonic poison. Her previous euphoria was steadily being annihilated by her own acidic negativity and sub-conscious belief that she was unlovable.

_Stupid stupid girl! Here you are, 22 years old, acting like a silly high school girl again. Repeating romanticized movie quotes to yourself as if they're the written word of God. When will you realize that your life is not a movie? That Finn, and all the pretty words he says to you, is nothing but deluded fantasy. When will you get your head out of the clouds and realize that Finn will never love you the way you love him? That you're never going to get you're epic love story with the horse ride off into the sunset? When will you find the strength to protect your heart? Love is for the weak. All that matters is your career. And you were willing to jeopardize that for a pair of sweet eyes and an adorable smile._

"God how could I be so stupid! Why did I think things would change? You're reckless with my heart Finn, and I'm not going to allow myself to give it to you again.

...

Her words stabbed him like a blunt knife. Why couldn't he move? Why couldn't he say anything?

"Rach," he finally managed, "You're overreacting. Don't do this, not again."

Rachel grabbed her purse and got ready to leave. She turned to face him, obviously wanting to give him some final words.

"No. I'm sorry. I can't. I can't do it. I can't get involved with someone who has complete control over my sanity. If I give myself to you this time, and relinquish any power I have over my own destiny, and you break my heart again? Not only will I metaphorically die _again_, but this time it will have devastating effects that will be long term, and I know, I just know, I wouldn't be able to recover this time. You'd forever transform me into some hollow piece of nothingness, whose heart and soul would be so gruesomely ripped from her body, that I'd barely be recognizable as a human being."

No, no, this was not happening. He raced up to her and grabbed her arm to physically stop her from leaving. He had to make this right.

"This time, I wouldn't make the stupid mistake of letting you go," he pleaded, "Forget what I said before, I'll announce the break-up tomorrow. All you had to say was that you weren't okay with it. This time, I'm never going to hurt you Rachel, ever."

Rachel looked up at him, the anguish in her heart visible on every pore of her face. She violently ripped her arm out of his grasp.

"You already did. And it's too late. I should have never visited you last night in the first place. It's over Finn, for good. I refuse to let myself gamble my mental health for you."

Finn felt himself crumbling at the water that was forming in the corner of her eyes. He couldn't let her go this time, he knew with a terrifying certainty that he wouldn't be able live without her.

"I wish I wasn't asking you to. But I can't bear it any more, I can't bear not being with you. Didn't you hear what I just said? Screw my career, I'd give up everything you for you. I'm being selfish this time, because I honestly don't think I can live without you. I mean, can't you see that? That_ I'm_ the one that's falling apart this time?

Rachel looked at him hardly, there was no pity in her eyes.

"The thing about falling apart Finn," her voice was flat, "Is that you can always pick up the pieces and put them back together again. But when you broke my heart, a little part of me died. And I'm never going to get that back.. _I_ never get to be whole again."

Finn gritted his teeth to stop from bawling like a little boy. He couldn't get any words out, so he waited for her to finish.

"I'm sorry but I just can't risk letting the rest of fragmented existence die with the shard you already single-handedly destroyed."

She slammed the door on her way out.

...

_A/N pt. II:_

_I am happy to announce that this is the last depressing chapter of this story, so hang tight!_

_Also! I've been working on another less angsty Finchel fic on the side (it kind of feels like I'm cheating on this one, but it just won't get out of my head!) and I actually already have the first couple chapters written out and might be posting the prologue soon. But I'm not sure if I want to wait to end this fic first before I 'publish' it, or just have two stories going on at the same time. If any of you guys have a preference or opinion (like, would anyone be interested in reading my new material too? or should I just complete this one before I decide to post anything else..) let me know!_


	21. Running Away

Chapter 21.

_A/N:_

_So I decided to compromise and post the prologue to the other fic, but I'm going to wait until I wrap this one up before I start adding more chapters :)_

_The song Finn hears on the radio is Damien Rice's Cannonball._

...

**The end of October. (2 weeks later).**

Finn took a small sip of the beer that was in one hand and stared at the small screen of his cell phone that was in the other. He was just drinking enough to get buzzed.

After his night with Rachel, he really _had_ intended to sober up for good. But then when she had crushed him like the hand of God the day after (he sometimes missed Artie and his way of wording things) he hadn't been able to stop himself from relapsing. Luckily, the memories of the _good_ night were shining just enough of a bright light on him to prevent him from fully jumping off the wagon, but he wasn't about to deny the comforting warmth a couple drinks a night brought him when he felt so shitty.

He was actually surprised at how well he was managing, all things considered. Rachel had told him that she couldn't be with him because she didn't want to become a 'hollow piece of nothingness'. What she hadn't told him was that that was what _he_ got to look forward to after she walked out of his hotel room for good. Because that phrase summed up his current state of mind perfectly.

Filming for _Wicked _had finished the previous day and he was sitting alone at the bar in the intimate night club that the cast and crew were having their wrap party at. Rachel hadn't shown.

When production for the film had first gotten going, he and Rachel had been friends with a lot of the people that were now having fun around him. But they had pretty much ostracized themselves after all the drama between them started, and so now he really didn't know how to rejoin the friendly group of cast and crew without feeling totally awkward and lame.

And even though he hadn't shown up to set drunk again during the past 2 weeks (although he definitely had reason to), he still felt pretty embarrassed about how he had handled himself in front of these members of the industry during his dark period.

His head fell back down to his phone. He had texted her to ask if she was coming to the party when he hadn't seen her an hour in. He had really wanted to say goodbye you know? Even after all the stilted conversations and awkward interactions of the past couple weeks, he had just wanted to see her one last time. To try to convince himself that it all really was for the best.

Her curt 'no' in response had led to him to stupidly, in an 11th hour desperate last attempt, ask her one final time:

**Finn: why do you have to be like this? why does it have to be this way?**

(he still had a problem with word vomit).

Her extensive response glared at him from the digital screen in front of him.

**Rachel: Apparently you're too weak to understand that I'm doing us both a favor. We're just plain**_** bad**_** for each other. If Glee club had never started and you had stuck to throwing eggs at me in high school, you wouldn't have an alcohol abuse problem now and I wouldn't have a serious mood disorder. In short, we'd both be a lot better off and healthier happier people. Hopefully it's not too late to regain a chance at normalcy, but I do know that that won't happen if we get back together. I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to help you, **_**to help us**_**. Just accept that, so we can try to start leading separate, and therefor normal, lives.**

He hadn't replied for fifteen minutes, just re-read the message over and over. Something about it was bothering him, something about it was so _un-Rachel_.

And then it was like a lightbulb clicked on in his head. He typed his response.

**Finn: since when did you ever want to be normal?**

She never replied.

...

_Since when did you ever want to be normal?_

Finn's words, Finn's voice, echoed in her head.

He was right. She had always been proud of being different, it had made her special. But being different hadn't always made her happy.

_Maybe normality's isn't over-rated, maybe being normal makes people happy, and that's what all the fuss is about._

She just didn't know anymore.

She sat on her bed combing her fingers through her hair mindlessly, staring at her dark room, she couldn't fall asleep.

She had accepted Jay Baker's offer right after she had left Finn's hotel room two weeks earlier. In a few months, she'd be packing up her life, and leaving everything she had ever known to move continents. She'd be in London for four years.

...

**(The next morning).**

Finn groaned and rolled over on his stomach as an incessant buzzing filled his head. He hadn't had_ that _much to drink, had he?

It took him another second to realize it was his phone. He blindly moved his hand to feel the contents on his bedside table, before it finally rested on the little ringing device.

"Hello?" he answered hoarsely.

"It's me," Kurt's high pitched voice rang through the phone, "I'm picking you up in half an hour so get ready. Oh and pack an overnight bag."

"What are you talking about?" Finn asked, it was too early for this.

"We have a noon flight to Lima to catch."

That woke Finn right up.

"What?" he cried outraged, "Why would you buy me a ticket to the last place on earth I want to go to without talking to me about it first."

"Because your mom and I are staging an intervention. And a key facet of the definition of 'intervention' is the element of surprise."

Finn scowled.

"But I'm fine. I thought I was taking this all pretty well. You don't see me overdosing on sleeping pills do you?"

Kurt made a little tut tut noise on the other end of the line.

"No but I happen to know for a fact that you're still consuming excessive amounts of lethal-liver liquids, and although it's not nearly at the dangerous level it was a month ago, it's still time something was done about that."

Finn huffed.

"I'm 23 years old Kurt, which, in case you weren't aware, means I'm an adult who can handle himself and is also legally allowed to drink. And you have no idea how much my alcohol intake has reduced from a month ago so forgive me for being a little pissed at the fact that you think you have the right to force me back to a town I never want to revisit again."

Kurt's voice softened a little.

"Okay maybe I should have tried a less aggressive approach to this coercion, but just do this for Carol okay? She misses you like you wouldn't believe, and your lifestyle choices are stressing her out so much she just might have a heart attack. How would that make you feel Finn, if you single-handedly killed your mother with worry?"

Finn sighed glumly, the anger dissipating and becoming replaced with guilt.

"It'd make me feel just as shitty as I already do. In case you haven't noticed, I'm no stranger to ruining the lives of people I love."

"Jesus Finn stop with the melodramatics already, you sound like Rachel. There is more to life than moping around feeling sorry for yourself just because you're one true love refuses to have anything to do with you! I'm picking you up in half an hour whether you like it or not."

Finn heard the click signaling that Kurt had hung up on him.

...

Rachel was having an extremely hard time giving her A game at the matinee show. She hadn't gotten any sleep the night before and her performance was suffering greatly from it. She had actually yawned while singing one number, and embarrassingly tripped during one of the dances.

It was intermission and she was doing jumping jacks in her dressing room to try to get the energy pumping.

Was this her body notifying her that she wasn't subconsciously okay with leaving everything behind to move across an ocean.

She was still battered from everything that had gone on between her and Finn. But she wasn't high-strung, uber-motivated and self disciplined Rachel Berry for nothing. She thought she had been handling the whole situation pretty well all things considered. Yeah, she randomly broke down in sobs from time to time for no 'apparent' reason, but she had effectively stopped thinking about him (at least on the outer parts of her psyche).

So this all had to do with the fact that she would uprooting her life sometime in the near future to semi-permanently live in Europe.

Was she really ready to start over from scratch?

Yes. She kept telling herself. It'd be the perfect antidote to everything that was wrong in her life, her real chance at normality.

_So why does it feel like I'm running away?_

...

9 hours later he was driving to his mom's house from his hotel in Dayton. Kurt could be extremely persuasive and forceful when he needed to be. But Finn had agreed to come on the condition that he didn't have to stay in Lima (or god forbid his old room in their house), so now he was making the tedious, cornfield littered drive to his hometown.

Kurt had gone ahead and was already setting up the first part of their 'intervention' with Carol. Apparently they had to have a sit down, and he was expected to tell them everything that had happened to him since graduating high school, that had made him descend to this personal low. He wasn't looking forward to it one bit, but he figured he'd try it, and if it made his mom feel better, why not. It's not like he had anything better to do besides wallow in his own self-loathing.

He began to switch through the radio channels in his rental car. The stations were all totally unfamiliar to him. Ohio really was no longer his home.

The low soft instrumentals of a mellow song began to emit from 102.9 and it seemed to fit his mood, so he decided to keep the dial there.

_There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth_

_There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt_

_It's still a little hard to say what's going on_

Wow.. Creepy much? The guy singing on the radio was basically voicing his own thoughts about Rachel.

_There's still a little bit of your ghost your witness_

_There's still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed_

_You step a little closer each day_

_That I can´t say what´s going on_

_Stones taught me to fly_

_Love, it taught me to lie_

_Life, it taught me to die_

_So it's not hard to fall_

_When you float like a cannonball_

_There's still a little bit of your song in my ear_

_There's still a little bit of your words i long to hear_

_You step a little closer to me_

_So close that I can´t see what´s going on_

What the fuck was this? God's ironic comment to him? The universe telling him that he wasn't the only one to suffer in the name of fucked up love?

_Stones taught me to fly_

_Love taught me to lie_

_Life taught me to die_

_So its not hard to fall_

_When you float like a cannon._

And the stupid tears were officially starting to fall. He was a dude for God's sake, why did he keep crying so much?

_Stones taught me to fly_

_Love, it taught me to cry_

_So come on courage, teach me to be shy_

_'Cause its not hard to fall,_

_And I don't want to scare her_

_Its not hard to fall_

_And I don't want to lose_

_Its not hard to grow_

_When you know that you just don't know_

This place was just out to get him.


	22. The Heart or the Head

Chapter 22.

**(later that day).**

"And that's what happened," Finn finished, a little out of breath from his 20 minute recap of everything that had happened between him and Rachel since the first break-up.

Both his mom and Kurt had known bits and parts of the story, but he'd never explained it all in linearity with detail.

But it had actually helped. He felt like part of the weight that constantly seemed to be on his shoulders had been lifted a little bit.

There was a silence as his mom and Kurt tried to intake everything he had just told him.

"The only part I fail to understand," Kurt said suddenly, "Is why you broke up with Rachel in the first place after graduation? I mean, this could have all been so much easier and saved us a lot of time and trouble if you had just let Rachel come with you to Los Angeles. Yeah, she wouldn't be as successful as she is right now if you had, but it would have just been for a few years right?"

Finn sighed. He wrestled with himself over this question all the time.

"I know. It was stupid. It's just, I was so insecure about myself you know? And the fact that she was willing to put her future on hold for me, just mind-boggled me, like- how could she love me that much? When I was just some stupid jock who didn't have a fraction of her talent.."

He groaned in frustration, he didn't know how to explain.

"There's this song," he interrupted himself, starting over, "And in it, there's this line: 'If you love something give it away.' And when I heard it, it just totally affected me you know? I was like, yeah, when you know you don't deserve the person you're with, and you care about them _that_ much, the right thing to do is just, to let them go. But I always thought I'd never be strong or unselfish enough to do that. But then I did, when it came down to it, I felt I had to. When Rachel was threatening to come with me to L.A. I just kept thinking, 'I'm not freaking good enough for her,' so I gave her away. At the time I thought maybe, after I'd made something of myself and turned myself into someone who did deserve her, we could try again. But then living without her just became too hard. That's when I got selfish and tried get her back, which we all know ended catastrophically and now here I am. And I don't know where to go from here."

"So basically you let your own self-esteem issues ruin your entire life," Kurt summarized succinctly.

"Pretty much."

Finn turned to see his mom's careworn face react to everything he had just said.

She looked thoughtful. After a few more seconds, she spoke.

"Do you think the person you are now, who you've become, deserves Rachel?"

"No way," Finn responded angrily, "Like I said, I was just being selfish. I see that now."

"Honey," his mom corrected, "You've never been selfish. In fact, you're the opposite, and I think it's your selflessness that essentially got you in this whole mess to begin with."

He opened his mouth to argue, but she shushed him.

"Let me finish. I think what you need to do now, is re-evaluate yourself, try to learn who you are as a person on your own. You and Rachel, you two love each other so much that it seems as if somewhere along the road of being a couple you lost yourselves along the way. But once you've established a more cohesive identity, you can begin to work on yourself, kick your alcohol habit, and start leading the life you want to live, not only will you feel better about yourself but you'll start to see the amazing man you really are inside. When you broke up with Rachel you wanted to make yourself worth something, but you've been measuring worth in the wrong way. Financial success and fame haven't brought you anything, but if you begin by trying to internally make yourself worth something, you'll be ready to really fix things with her. "

Finn's head began to spin as he took in all his mom had just told him. He nodded his head slowly.

She was right.

And that was exactly what he was going to do.

...

**(the next morning).**

Rachel took a swig of water as she took a break from the elliptical. She looked at the clock; 7:33 am. She had been working out almost non stop for the last hour and 51 minutes, and it wasn't helping get rid of any of the pent up energy pulsing inside her.

She still felt just as anxious and restless as she'd been for the past couple days.

Looking around the open loft area where she kept her exercise equipment, she tried to find a distraction. That seemed like all she ever did these days- find various ways to distract herself from thinking too much.

A loud knocking at her door seemed to magically answer her silent plea. She practically ran down the stairs from the loft to the wide reception/dining/living area, not even bothering to wonder who would visit her at such an ungodly hour, and opened the door.

"Dad! Papa!" She squealed in delight at the two men standing before her, jumping into both of their arms for a group hug.

"Surprise!" they laughed in unison, hugging her right back, "We come bearing gifts!"

Rachel laughed at the massive brown bag of bagels they brought, and ushered them into her apartment, flushed from the shock of her parents' visit.

"What are you guys doing here?" she asked, "You just visited a few months ago."

"Well," Hiram, her Jewish father explained, while Leroy placed the bagels on the dining table "We got your email yesterday about that job offer you accepted, and Papa here," he gave his taller companion a lovingly annoyed look, "panicked at the thought of our baby moving so far away, and decided we had to come visit you immediately to convince you not to do it."

Rachel smiled as she shook her head, "Shouldn't you guys know better by now?" she asked, sitting down next to them around the dining table, "When I make a decision I stick with it, and more than anything, I resent being told what to do, so that's a surefire way to ensure I _do_ move to London for four years."

Leroy looked at Rachel pointedly as he took out the shmear and began generously spreading a bagel with it.

"We also know you well enough to know when your heart's in something and when it isn't, and the tone and word selection of your email was clearly indicative of you wanting someone to force you to re-assess your decision."

Rachel shifted uncomfortably, he was right. She had been on edge and antsy lately because she wasn't comfortable with the direction her life was headed. And it centered around a specific dysfunctional relationship that she just wanted to escape from but simultaneously couldn't resist falling back into. But it was like rehab right? No one wanted to go, but some people just had to, because in the end, it'd be good for you.

She put on her game face and grabbed a bagel and began aggressively tearing off pieces to stuff in her mouth as she stared defiantly at her two fathers.

"This isn't up for debate," she said in between mouthfuls, "Official contracts won't be signed until I'm fully released from West Side Story in 6 months, but it's pretty much a sealed deal."

"Nothing's a sealed deal until you've crossed the T's and dotted the I's" Hiram threw in correctively.

Rachel rolled her eyes. And people thought _she_ could be insufferable.

"So what's it about anyways?" Leroy tried, sensing the danger, "Why is this such a, how did you put it? 'Career opportunity of a lifetime'?"

She put her bagel down to ready herself for the speech. The same one she had been rehearsing to herself over and over.

"Well. First of all, Jay Baker is already practically legend in the Broadway community, and even you two know that. Andrew Lloyd Webber composed all of the music, and I've heard some of it, and it's absolutely incredible, as would be expected. The project doesn't have a title yet, but it's loosely based on Gone with the Wind, and you both know how much I love dressing up in corsets and hoop skirts considering you still have that photo album from when I was 11 years old and dressed up as Scarlett O' Hara for halloween. And as the originating actress for this potentially epic musical production, I could go down in history with the likes of Patti Lupone."

"If it's as huge as you're making it out to be, then why are they debuting it in London, isn't Broadway the real king of the hill?" Hiram questioned.

"Because daddy," she spouted frustratedly "Jay Baker and Andrew Lloyd Webber are both British, and London is where all the avant-garde and innovative projects are debuting anyways. I would return to Broadway for a couple of months during the tour after the first year, and if it becomes the huge crowd pleaser that it promises to be, when they set up the New York production I'm sure I could transfer there after the first three years if I so pleased. Trust me, I've got this all figured out, it's absolutely perfect."

"So... what about Finn?"

Rachel reddened. That was the million dollar question wasn't it.

"What about Finn?" She asked defensively, "I already told you two when you last visited, we briefly reconnected and tried to be friends, but decided in the end that that didn't work, so we maintained our professionalism and will no longer be forced to be apart of each other's lives."

"Because for awhile there," Leroy injected, basically ignoring everything his daughter had just said, "It really seemed like we had gotten the old Rachel back, the _real_ old Rachel, and forgive us for making the assumption that those pictures of you two canoodling around New York had some correlation to that."

"We were never canoodling!" She practically shouted, "Why is everyone making me out to be some home wrecker! He had a girlfriend and I had a fiancee at the time, we were just having fun in the city, it wasn't a big deal!"

"We weren't implying that sweetie!" Hiram responded astonished, "We were just saying, you and Finn were always friends first, that's what made the foundation of your relationship in high school so stable. We just thought that maybe befriending him again and resolving your past issues had helped you find your way back to the girl you used to be. We miss her sometimes."

"It's called growing up dad!" she shouted, "I'm not 16 years old anymore! I'm not in high school! And FINN is NOT in my life anymore, AND HE'S NEVER GOING TO BE IN IT AGAIN!"

She slammed her fist on the table, a little appalled at this sudden burst of anger at her parents, but unable to control it.

"We just want to help Rachel," Leroy got up to rub her shoulder, "We just want to understand why you've suddenly feel compelled to leave a wonderful life you've worked so hard to set up for yourself here in New York City."

"Because this is a golden, one in a life-time opportunity!" She shrieked, brushing his hand way and getting up from her chair, "But I already told you that! So I don't know why you're even here in the first place!"

She dramatically stormed out of the living room and went into her bedroom, slamming the door on her way in. She could hear her parents arguing over who had set her off in the adjacent room.

_This really does feel like high school all over again. Only now, I'm an adult, and no one can tell me what to do anymore. I only listen to myself now, no one else._

...

Finn opened his eyes to the bright sun streaming through the window in his bedroom. He had gotten the first good night's sleep he had had in years. Stretching, he smelled bacon and fried eggs wafting up from downstairs, and turning to the eastern wall of his room, he looked at the wilted tan cowboy wallpaper covering it. He felt like he was 17 all over again. He still remembered the conversation he'd had with his mother after she found out he'd forced Burt to re-apply the cowboy wall paper in his new room when they had moved into the bigger house- 'Those cowboys are apart of me mom! Apart of who I am!"- she had just shook her head and muttered unintelligibly in response, (he had never explained the part about those cowboys watching over him and Rachel when they had consummated their relationship and therefor she never really understood its high sentimental value).

He ran his hands through his hair as he was brutally affronted with memories of his past. There was only one way to make it all hurt a little less. He knew what he had to do.

Leaning over to his small bedside table, he grabbed his cell. The phone shook in Finn's hand. He felt like he was cruelly breaking up with a long time girlfriend or something. But he had to do it, this was the first step.

**Finn: Janice, you're fired. I'm sorry I had to do this over text message, but we can settle everything when I return to LA in a week, I just had to do this right away. **

He put down his phone and breathed a deep sigh of relief. What he was doing was scary, but incredibly liberating at the same time.

His talk with Kurt and his mom had helped him realize that fame and success and public adoration didn't mean anything when you didn't respect yourself and have control over your own life. And with Janice having long ago commandeered the steering wheel over his life, the first step in getting his act together was regaining that position which was rightfully his.

He'd been inspired and now he was reforming his life for good.

Next step? Calling his publicist to have her announce the break-up between him and Melissa. And then firing her too.

...

"Rachel!" her dads had been knocking on her door for the past hour relentlessly, trying various tactics to try to coerce her out. "Let's just talk about it! As a family."

She covered her ears with a pillow but it still didn't suppress her fathers' loud voices.

"We came all the way up from Ohio and this is the welcome we receive? We thought we taught you to be more hospitable than that. You do realize that you're single-handedly perpetuating the rumor that gay parents raise rebellious spoiled mannerless children right?"

Rachel flew to the door and whisked it open.

Hiram and Leroy smiled in triumph. They knew just which buttons to push.

"You win," she said stubbornly, crossing her arms together, "What do you want to talk about?"

"How about," Leroy began carefully, "We go out to central park and try to enjoy the beautiful Autumn day in the city and each other's company. We can pack a picnic brunch and maybe stop by the newspaper stands and all read magazines under the trees like we did this past summer, and then after that, maybe we can discuss these more unpleasant subjects."

"There's really nothing to discuss," she retorted, "I will not budge on my decision. Plus," she added, looking out her window, "It's freezing outside."

Hiram sighed, obviously less patient than his partner, "Rachel. We are your fathers. You owe us at least one day of polite and open-minded conversation before you decide to move 3000 miles away."

She hated it when they guilt tripped her.

"Fine," she finally gave in, "We can go after I shower, you guys can make yourselves comfortable in the guest area," she said, gesturing to her open workout/guest room up the spiral stairs.

"Thanks pumpkin," Leroy smiled widely, pulling her in for a hug, "Oh and what's your wireless passcode again? We need to check our emails."

Rachel gave it to them before heading into her room to get cleaned up.

Half an hour she emerged from her room to find her two dads much more anxious and uncertain than they'd been before.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

They looked at each other.

Leroy sighed, "Sometimes it's difficult having a daughter with half a sixth sense."

Hiram nodded in agreement before turning to Rachel.

"Dearie, what aren't you telling us about Finn?"

She colored and looked between her parents. What weren't they telling her? She noticed one of her dad's laptops open and she quickly walked towards it to look for a clue as to what was going on.

The internet browser was open to a breaking Yahoo!news article about Finn's official break-up with Melissa. She sat down in the chair next to the computer slowly, reading the full article. When she finished, she slowly shut the laptop.

"Why can't you just tell us the whole story Rach, we know_ something's _going on there," Hiram finally asked after a few minutes of heavy silence.

"Can you guys just give me a minute? I don't want to talk about this, but I do think a picnic brunch sounds absolutely lovely, I just need to find my coat.."

She hurried into her room and locked the door before either one of her dads could give her a worried look.

Her first impulse, when she had first read those words: Finn Hudson's publicist releases statement that he and Melissa Holloway are no longer an item, had been to call him right away and tell her she forgave him for everything. To apologize for overreacting and retract every bad thing she had said about the two of them in the past few months.

And then she realized she had obligations, to her career, and to herself.

_Taking the easy route never got anyone anywhere. Just because you have an inclination to do something doesn't mean you should. Have you completely forgotten everything you were telling yourself earlier? Of course you're going to want to relapse and give in to your addiction, Finn's your drug, and you're a junkie. But you know better._ S_top being so soft._

Or maybe it was just the heart was softer than the head. And hadn't she always told herself to follow her heart?

She shook the thought out of her head. No, she was doing the right thing. She would be moving to London next year, no matter what her fathers told her, no matter what happened.

...

_A/N:_

_So I've made a final outline, and there are 3 more chapters to go!_


	23. Morning Dew

Chapter 23.

_A/N: _

_The song Finn listens to in this chapter is originally a Bob Dylan song, but the one played is the Jeff Buckley cover :) again, please listen to it because it's the cat's pajamas (sorry I watch too many Old Hollywood films)! _

_... _

**April, 2016. (6 months later).**

Finn collapsed onto his bed face down. He had just come back from another failed audition.

For the last 6 months, all he had been doing was failing auditions. They all seemed to blur together, the same shocked casting directors, judgmental producers, and skeptical directors. It was just so annoying because he _knew_ he had the acting ability for most of the projects he had auditioned for, it was just these elitist, indie, fresh out of USC snobs weren't giving him a chance because his resume didn't fit their genre.

Being jobless sucked.

He was still getting offers for silly Rom Coms and the occasional crap musical film though, but he had made a promise to himself, and he intended to keep that promise.

If anything, when Wicked came out (which was scheduled to be a summer blockbuster release), the publicity might hype his street cred for more serious projects, but until then, he was on his own.

He'd also enrolled himself in some AA classes and was 6 months sober and counting. More than anything, seeing all the other wasted lives around him made him realize how toxic and degrading alcohol could really be, and that he didn't want to end up like them. He knew he was lucky that he had decided to exnay that pathway before it got too serious.

He wasn't gonna lie, things were hard, and there were days where he came close to cracking. But then he remembered why he was doing all this, taking the more difficult route to become a better, more self-respecting person.

That reason was Rachel. And he always had that glimmer of hope that one day, when he properly fixed himself, he could fix them too. Because the 'Finn' couldn't be malfunctioning for 'Finn & Rachel' to work. That's what kept him pushing through all the rejection and temptation.

Rolling out of bed, he walked over to his desk to check his email (maybe something, anything had come up).

He got excited when he saw a message from his new manager. Clicking on it eagerly, he read it with a hopeful attitude.

_Finn,_

_I know you're going to stop reading this email right when you see the M word, but please, read the whole thing first. I know that you don't want to be type-casted and that this is a pivotal moment of your career etc. etc., but a fantastic opportunity has just been afforded to you, and I really think you should consider it before ignoring it right off the bat. Baz Luhrmann is currently casting for his reproduction of 'Funny Girl' and he's requested that you audition for the role of Nicky Arnstein. Baz Luhrmann is one of the most eminent film makers of this generation, and one of the few directors who can classily convert musicals to the big screen, he also only releases 1 or 2 films a decade, AND he's extremely artistic and innovative and bizarre and not conventional or cookie cutter whatsoever, which is what you're looking for right? Send me a response ASAP so I can set up an audition if you decide you're interested (which I sincerely recommend you to be)._

_- Michael_

Finn chewed the inside of his cheek as he read the email.

Shit.

Rachel's favorite film director of all time was revamping her favorite movie of all time. And _he _had a shot at snagging the male lead.

The offer was extremely tempting. First of all, Luhrmann's movies were kind of awesome in a faux drug trip sort of way, and secondly, singing was his passion, and the only reason he'd been refusing musical film offers lately was because he didn't want to be confined to playing the role of the singing high school jock anymore. But this would be nothing like that.

But the fact that it was _this_ movie, of all the freaking musicals Luhrmann could have reproduced, he had chosen this particular one, made him reconsider asking for an audition. Because in his heart of hearts, he knew there was only one girl in the entire world who could play Fanny Brice. A girl who might have been born and tailor-made by God just to play that part. A girl who wouldn't be interested if his name was attached to the film.

And she was still relatively unknown in the Hollywood circuit. It was like this project had come to his attention just so he could bring Rachel Berry and Baz Luhrmann and Funny Girl together to make a trifecta of epic.

Walking over to his dresser, he opened his sock drawer and began feeling through the mismatched socks. His fingers finally closed around the object he had been looking for, the object he had purchased the day he had set out to rejuvenate his life 6 months ago, the object he was saving for some unknown day in the future as a symbol for the possibility that his one dream (the only real dream he had ever had since meeting and loving Rachel sophomore year) could come true. He had hidden it in a mangy old sock, and he squeezed it tightly, almost as if he was extracting strength from it. It represented all the hope he was clinging on to for the future, wrapped up in one tiny piece of handcrafted precious metal and stone.

He knew what he had to do.

This was what it really meant to make a sacrifice in the name of love. A person didn't have to make some grand gesture or cliche move straight out of a romantic comedy to prove that they loved someone. Sometimes, it was the subtleties, the gesture made behind the veil, without any prospect of self-gratification, that really counted.

Shoving the sock back into the bottom of the drawer, he returned to his computer to send a couple emails and find a certain piece of footage from the Glee club's 2009 Sectionals...

_..._

**(1 week later)**

Rachel almost dropped the phone she was holding when her agent called her about the audition request.

Apparently Baz Lurhmann & co. had received a tip from a person who wished to remain anonymous that she, Rachel Berry, could sing 'Don't Rain On My Parade' like no one besides Barbra ever had.

She'd have to fly to LA in a few days for the meeting, and delay (and possibly cancel) the finalizing of the contracts for the Jay Baker project, but it would be so incredibly worth it.

It almost felt like her entire life had been preparing her for this.

Throughout her career she had been waiting for that one part. That one piece of proof that what she did, acting and singing and dancing, actually had some consequence. And this was it.

The story of a quirky, unnervingly optimistic girl who built herself up from nothing and fell in love with a seemingly unattainable lover who she eventually got involved in a stormy relationship with (which eventually ended in their separation, because that was the smart choice to make). It was more or less _her_ story.

And growing up, that movie had been _everything_ to her. Seeing a gorgeous film star with a big nose had made her feel less self-conscious about her looks, less disfigured. It had essentially given her the confidence to give her dreams a shot, and not write them off as pure fantasy.

Because movies could do that. They could inspire and change and move people. Working on Broadway meant she'd only ever be able to reach a limited amount of people, but being in the movies, _singing_ on the movies, could affect so many more. She had a voice that needed to be heard by the world, that could reach every living person on the planet (with access to a movie theatre or television of course).

She had always wanted to feel that what she accomplished in her life positively impacted the troubled modern society she lived in. And being in Funny Girl was a direct chance at that, she was being given the opportunity to be the next Barbra to the next generation of self-conscious, made fun of, little Rachel Berry's. And so help her God she was going to fight for it.

_..._

**(another week later).**

Finn had declined the offer to set up an audition, and sent Rachel's resume to Baz Luhrmann along with footage from their Sophomore year at Sectionals of her singing 'Don't Rain on my Parade' and a taping of one of her West Side Story performances. Even though he knew the song by itself would be enough to prove to anyone that Rachel Berry was the only woman alive who could do the part of Fanny Brice justice, he had also gotten Rob Marshall to send them some early stage videos of Rachel's acting ability from a couple of the Wicked scenes too.

He had made it his mission to get Rachel's voice heard so she could be in contention for that part, and it had worked. Luckily his name and the name of the people he had gotten involved, held some clout, and Lurhmann's people had thanked him for his services and promised to meet with Rachel. And he knew that was it. There was no doubt in his mind that she'd be able to win them over once they met her.

There was still no word back from any of the prospective films that he had personally auditioned for, but that didn't really matter. Lately, he had been second guessing if he had chosen the right career path in the first place.

Yes, he absolutely loved singing (especially on a stage), but he didn't have a Broadway voice or the passion for acting to carry him successfully in musical theatre. And screen acting just wasn't stimulating once the novelty had worn off..

These thoughts bounded through his heads like a couple of stray atoms as he drove down the Pacific Coast Highway to his favorite beach in Crystal Cove.

The best thing about living in LA was its proximity to the ocean. There was nothing more peaceful or relaxing than sitting on the beach, and listening to waves on a quiet evening (when all the crowds had dispersed) to think and reflect.

He turned his head to look at the setting sun shimmering on the ocean as he approached his destination. Struck by the beauty of it, he was reminded of the lyrics of one of his favorite songs. Rummaging through his cd case, he finally found it and shoved it in the stereo.

**_Perhaps it is the color of the sun cut flat_**

**_An' cov'rin' the crossroads I'm standing at,_**

_Or maybe it's the weather or something like that,_

**_But mama, you been on my mind._**

_I mean no trouble, please don't put me down, don't get upset,_

_I am not pleading or saying that "I can't forget you."_

_I do not pace the floor bowed down and bent, but yet,_

_Mama, you been on my mind._

_Even though my eyes are hazy and my thoughts they might be narrow,_

_Where you been don't bother me or bring me down in sorrow._

_I don't even mind who you'll be waking with tomorrow,_

He began to sing along quietly.

**_But mama, you're just on my mind._**

**_I am not askin' you to say words like "yes" or "no,"_**

**_Please understand me, I have no place I'm callin' you to go._**

**_I'm just whispering to myself so I can't pretend that I don't know,_**

**_But mama, you're just on my mind._**

**_When you wake up in the mornin' and look inside your mirror,_**

**_You know I won't be next to you, you know I won't be near._**

**_I'd just be curious to know if you can see yourself as clear_**

**_As someone who has had you on his mind._**

He leaned against his head rest and sighed. His car was parked in the lot of the beach, and his door was open so the evening wind was rustling his hair gently as he let the song play out.

Turning off the engine, he grabbed his keys, ipod, and battered notebook, and headed to his favorite spot near the cliffs. Finding the song he had just listened to on his ipod, he set it on repeat and let the mellow tunes soothe his mind and stir the creative thinking pot back there. The sensation of the sand beneath his feet and the subtle symphony in his ears spread a smile to his face.

God, he loved music.

...

Rachel stared out over the Hudson river. She loved walking aimlessly through the city sometimes, and there was nothing more relaxing than taking a leisurely stroll near the water. She especially loved this river, it was definitely her favorite in the world. And it had nothing to do with its name.

She had gotten the part. The iconic role that she had had a deep personal connection to since the age of two.

Rachel Berry was going to be the new Fanny Brice.

The fall out with Jay Baker and his people was going to be terrible, but she had never signed anything. And she knew for a fact that they had already found the understudy for her so she knew they'd be able to manage without her. So she wasn't going to stress herself out about it too much. She actually felt relieved, she had never really wanted to move to London, and now she had the best excuse ever to get out of it. Seriously, she was fully anticipating Funny Girl to be the pinnacle of her career.

A new chapter was still starting in the novel that was her life, but it wasn't going to be set in the location she had originally thought it would be. But then again, life never turned out the way you expected it to be.

Her heart clenched as she realized she was going to be temporarily living in Los Angeles. Where Finn was.

Rachel had always been a little superstitious (she did kind of have a sixth sense after all) and she couldn't help but wonder if this was a sign. No matter how hard she tried to escape him, the universe always shook things up and re-oriented her life course so that she physically_ couldn't_.

She suddenly realized that somehow, unconsciously, she had wandered towards the same spot where she and Finn had kissed after the event at the Met.

Was she ignoring some almighty power that was striving relentlessly to tell her something? Was she ignoring what her _heart_ was telling her?

...

When Finn finally found a good rock crevice to lean against, he opened his notebook and began overlooking the disarrayed and scattered bits of poetry, lyrics, and stream of consciousness writing he'd been jotting down for the past few months.

He had decided awhile ago that he was going to manifest his powerful and preeminent love for Rachel in a productive way, which he had finally managed to do through writing. Writing _music_ about it. Which was kind of beautiful in an ironic way, considering it was music that had brought them together in the first place.

He looked down at some of the stanzas he had recently written.

[_like a comet in the sky/_

_burning torrid through the night/_

_your love taught me how to fly/_

_it will forever remain my light/_

_how could i ever forget that flight_

_/_

_words will never be enough/_

_i'm too tired of acting tough/_

_so if you ever want to drift back/_

_i promise this time i won't crack/_

_i'll never again be that tool/_

_who gave you away like a fool_

_/_

_without your presence here beside me/_

_my blood's transforming to meaningless rust/_

_how could I ever deserve something so extraordinary/_

_i'll just cling to your residue stardust/_

_and pray that one day you'll see/_

_i only intended to set you free_

_/_

_just know i'll always be here for you/_

_like the glistening morning dew/_

_you once told me they looked like tears/_

_but let me tell you that's only how they appear/_

_look a little closer and you'll find/_

_they symbolize the redemption of mankind/_

_each day evaporating in the rays of sun/_

_and then returning in their secret midnight run/_

_they don't give up that easy/_

_neither should we_]

He knew his stuff was kinda crappy and simplistic, but they came from his heart. They were his raw, real emotions, and that was what counted. Writing music was an art, one that had to be developed, so he'd keep practicing until he could create songs worthy to describe an infinitesimal amount of the love he and Rachel had shared.

After adding a couple more notes and editing a few phrases, he closed the book and looked out to the sea.

This was the happiest he had felt (without Rachel) in awhile. It still felt like something was missing and obviously she was never far from his thoughts, but doing things for her, creating something tangible with his love for her, listening to music and singing songs that reminded him of her, just made him feel good.

And then as a particularly large wave crashed against a lone rock crag out in the water, an epiphany crashed on him. Music made him happy. That was all there was to it.

He opened his notebook and resolved to finish one of his 19 incomplete songs. He was going to finish writing his music, the music that his soul generated, and then he was going to record it. He didn't care how long it took (he really didn't want to be one of those lame teenage actors who produced lame pop cds with the residual success of their movie careers either), but he was going to make a _good_ folk/indie/alternative/mellow rock album if it took the rest of his life.

But he hoped it wouldn't actually take that long, because he kind of wanted Rachel to listen to it one day, realize it was all about her, realize that he'd never stopped loving her, and that he'd grown up a little bit from all their drama, and come back to him.

He would take an indefinite break from acting to focus solely on this project. And he was going to go back to Lima to do it. There was nothing left for him in Hollywood. But there was something about that small town in the middle of cornfields and scarecrows that held a therapeutic and inspirational quality to it. It was where he had grown up, where he had found true love, and maybe where he ultimately belonged.

He laughed to himself as he realized something. It had taken him 5 years to understand that the whole world was full of losers, that it wasn't just Lima, and where you were had nothing to do with the _person _you were.


	24. Displaced

Chapter 24 pt. I.

_A/N:_

_So this chapter was uber long so I had to break it up into two parts. And it ends at kind of an unfulfilling place, but I will be updating with the second part extremely soon (as in later today soon!), and I'm pretty sure that that update is what you've all been waiting for :) so sit tight!_

_..._

**Late May, 2016. (a month later).**

Rachel fidgeted with her napkin as a flight attendant made the 'prepare for descent' announcement. She leaned her head against the cool window and tried to find Los Angeles through the clouds. But there was no gap in the marshmallow blanket, and the city (much like the details of her future) was totally obscured.

Looking back down at her lap, she was surprised to see that she had been unconsciously tearing her napkin into shreds. She must be more nervous than she thought.

She had never been to the West Coast before. She had never felt the urge to leave New York, she had been so adamant to make it her new home.

She'd even waited until the absolute last minute to leave. She'd taken a red-eye flight (first class of course) and she already had a meeting scheduled later that afternoon. She'd barely have time to settle into her hotel before beginning work. But that's how she preferred it. Free time made her feel lazy. Besides, from what she had heard, there wasn't much to see in Los Angeles as a tourist anyways.

Home was a strange word. There were so many connotations to it. What did it really mean? The place where you lived? The place where you felt safe? The place where you belonged? Or was it like that old saying, 'Home is where the heart is'?

Rachel wasn't sure if she had a home. She liked to think and call New York her home, she certainly loved it enough, but maybe you'd never be able to shake the roots of your real hometown. You could take the girl out of Lima but you couldn't take the Lima out of the girl.

Her thoughts wandered towards images of sprawling cornfields and empty interstates. Ohio, the state of her origin. They lingered at one image in particular, that of a smiling six foot three Ohio boy, bred and born, decked in blue and white and flannel.

The image soon transformed, the face became a little thinner, a little sharper, a leather jacked replaced the button-up, and the background changed too. Sunshine and palm trees and an iconic Hollywood sign all sat behind him, and together they seemed to mock the world, gluttons in their own self-supposed superiority.

She knew she was being too harsh. In reality, Finn was one of the least self-assuming people she'd ever met. But the fact remained that he was no longer the Finn from Lima, and she was no longer the Rachel from Lima. Their new environments, their new 'homes', had changed them.

She was still sticking to her decision. Finn had had the right idea when he had 'given her away' in the first place. Now, they both had to let go of their past, and their past selves, to move on.

The elderly man next to her began to stir. His name was Bob. They had made small talk during take off, but he had been knocked out for the rest of the flight. He was a retired businessman, visiting his grandchildren. From their earlier chat, she had decided he was a kind, a little eccentric, wise old man. She liked him.

"So Miss Rachel Berry.." he started, making conversation again, "You're a movie star huh? Will my grandkids be upset if I don't bring them an autograph?"

Rachel laughed, "No, I'm really more of a Broadway 'star', who's temporarily testing the waters in the film industry. So unless you're grandchildren are avid fans of West Side Story or racy musicals about repressed teenagers in the 19th century, I'm sure they'll have no idea who I am."

"Well all the same," he chuckled, "It's always fun to meet a celebrity."

She felt a little color creep across her cheeks as she laughed modestly.

"So who's the lucky man?" he asked, pointing to her left hand.

She looked at the delicate sapphire ring on her ring finger and laughed again, "Oh this isn't an engagement ring," she responded, "It's just a little trinket I bought for myself, I wear it for decoration."

Bob smiled nostalgically, "I guess that's just how the kids do it these days. When I was a lad, there was only one explanation for a pretty ring on that specific finger on a lady: to tell the world she was off limits. But you seem like a progressive young woman so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it's sort of a symbol of your independence and the new age."

Rachel recrossed her legs uncomfortably, wishing to change the subject. The strategically placed ring_ was_ intended to ward off come-ons from men, she just wasn't at the right place in her life for a relationship. Too much drama. But it annoyed her to think about that (and the deeper reason why she wasn't ready to get involved with anyone).

"How about you?" Rachel asked, "Do you have a wife?"

He shook his head sadly.

"I've been a widow for 11 years."

"Oh," Rachel said quietly at the sad look on her neighbor's face, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Don't worry dear it's perfectly alright," he recovered, replacing the frown with a smile, "It's just hard, finding your soulmate, and then having her taken away. Sometimes I wish I had gone first, she was always the strong one.."

He promptly took out his pocket square to dab his eyes.

Rachel was mortified. She had no idea how things had turned so serious. She searched her brain for something to rectify the situation with.

"I apologize for this display," Bob said embarrassedly, gesturing to himself, "It's just you almost remind me of her when she was younger. She was a singer too, and glamorous just like you, with that long dark her and those big dark eyes. I could almost swear you're wearing the exact shade of cherry red lipstick she loved so much too."

"You have nothing to apologize for," Rachel answered, "I'm the one who should be apologizing for recklessly bringing up such a personal question."

The old man chuckled in response.

"So there's no fiancee," he reverted back to the subject she had wished to change, "But I think it'd make me feel nice to know you have a nice man in your life. I can tell you're a special one. And it's always good to know that the deserving young find the same sort of forceful love that we old timers experienced- that it's a continuous cycle. The old have to got to make way for the new after all."

"Don't talk that way," she chastised, "And well, if it'd really make you feel better, I actually was engaged a while back, but it was broken off, because.. well.. because I was in love with someone else. So yes, either way, I've experienced love, but I've recently come to the conclusion that love is not really my cup of tea."

Bob gasped in audible shock, as if she had just said the most sacrilegious statement imaginable.

"How can you say such a thing?" He asked outraged, "What is a life without love? Those lucky enough to find their soulmate through destiny should hold on tight and never let go!"

God, what was with all of this 'letting go/not letting go' 'soulmate/destiny' nonsense? She was getting supremely irritated by its continued reappearance in her life.

"My career is my soul mate," she responded tersely, "That's the only kind of destiny I can believe in."

He grasped her hand seriously, as if she was an institutionalized mental patient that needed to understand something very important.

"Miss Berry. I have been around the block a few times. I have lived through seventy three winters and summers and seen a lot of suffering, hardship, and tragedy. Through it all the one beacon of light has always been love. When it all comes down to it, it is the only redeeming quality of mankind. So please don't offend me, and your entire fellow species, by dismissing it as something unworthy of your attention."

Rachel looked at him slightly abashed.

He was staring at her so seriously, so questioningly, that she did something she hardly ever did, she let her guard down.

"Alright fine. You want to hear my story? Here it is."

Bob nodded as the plane swiftly approached landing.

"Try to imagine," she began, "Working your whole life for something, having your entire world revolve around a single dream. And then meeting someone who shows you that there's more to life than that dream, and there's something even better out there, something called love, that will ruin you for everything else that you could possibly experience in life. But then that person cruelly rips that wonderful love away from you and so you promise to never let yourself fall for such shenanigans again, and you go back to focusing solely on that one dream."

She wasn't even looking at Bob anymore, she was in her own head, talking to herself essentially, battling with her own thoughts.

"But then," she continued, "Imagine that, when you finally achieve your dream, you don't know what to do with it. Because it's nothing like you thought it would be, and it doesn't make you happy like you thought it would, and all you want to do is blame that stupid person who messed you up in the first place, making it so that nothing else in life could ever measure up, even though, deep down you know it's not his fault. And you just keep going back and forth in your head, analyzing every minute detail over and over again, reciting passages of feminist literature to yourself, etc. etc. But when it all comes down to it, you can only trust what's inside, right here," she pressed her hand against the left side of her chest, "Because what you feel is all that really matters when it all comes down to it."

She looked up to stranger in front of her and realized she had been rambling to someone she'd hardly known for a few hours.

"I think," Bob replied with a smile, as the plane rushed down the runway and noise filled their ears, "You just convinced yourself of, better than I could, the validity of love."

...

**(later that afternoon).**

Finn stared at the empty condo around him. All that was left was the final cardboard moving box filled with valuables, and his mattress, comforter, and pillow for his last night. In the morning all that'd be in the truck too.

He sighed wistfully and heard the small noise reverberate a little in the cavern like space.

All of his loose ends were tied and all of his important belongings packed up in the big truck he would be driving to Ohio with (he loved road trips).

It was an odd feeling. Having nothing holding you back, stopping you from just driving off into the sunset to go wherever you wanted whenever you wanted.

He was still considering making a pit stop in Alaska or Mexico or something before returning to Lima. He hadn't told anyone where he was planning on going, he had wanted to keep all of his options open. There was a certain magic to possessing complete control over his life, having the ultimate freedom. He was still undecided if he was going to keep a lot of human contact on this endeavor of writing an album. He always read about these creative hermits who disappeared off the face of the earth to produce groundbreaking works of art.

But he kind of missed having real friends.

He hadn't had anyone to say goodbye to this past month. During all his years in Los Angeles, he had not made one good friend. No one had even known the real him. Here, in this bizarre city where the sun shone 365 days a year, he'd been Finn Hudson the famous actor. Nothing more.

But he _was_ a lot more.

Hopefully the loneliness would alleviate with his return to Lima. He was tired of not having anyone to talk to.

Last he'd heard, Puck had been signed to the Cleveland Browns and Quinn had secured an internship at a big local Cleveland morning newscast. He found it strange that their careers were just beginning, and he was already practically retired.

He'd been living too fast and too hard. So that now he almost felt like an old man. Exhausted from the strenuous business that was life.

His mind returned to thoughts of his peaceful destination off in the mid-west.

It'd be good to see Mr. Schue again. They sent each other the odd 'How have you been?' emails every once in awhile, but as the years had passed the messages had been fewer and far between. The glee club coach had always been part father part mentor to him, and it wasn't right that he had lost touch with someone so important.

He heaved another deep sigh again and bent down to pick up the last box. It was still open, it's contents practically spilling out, and the duck tape had been lost somewhere between packing the clothing box and the video game/dvd/cd box.

Maneuvering his way through his complex's courtyard, he finally made it to his parking spot in the dark garage. He had traded in his Lexus for a big, blue, classic chevy truck from the 1970's that had been kept in mint condition. The first car he had ever owned had been a truck.

It was unpractical for LA. But ideal for Middle America.

Lugging the box he was carrying into the passenger truck, he smiled at the thought that he had just completed stuffing his entire life into a car. Not bad for a day's work. There actually hadn't been too much to pack, he had thrown away a lot of excess shit.

His eyes lingered on the heavy sock at the top of the pile in that final cardboard storage unit.

Was he being delusional? Had he lost hold of reality? He was returning to a place where he would be bombarded with reminders of the biggest mistake of his life over and over again.

_Maybe I should just drive somewhere random and buy myself a cabin and shut myself out to the world._

He was a lone displaced soul, searching for a home. It no longer felt like he could go anywhere, it only felt like he just had nowhere to go.


	25. Lost & Found

Chapter 24 pt. II

_A/N:_

_Ah this is second to last update! Here's where that cheesiness warning in my profile finally comes to fruition :) _

_Oh and the song Rachel hears is Brandi Carlile's 'Cannonball' (notice the parallels of the song names Finn and Rachel each listen to before their individual epiphanies :P)._

...

**(moments later).**

Rachel sat in the large waiting room of the imposing office building and stared out into the cloudy sky.

She was meeting with one of Baz Luhrmann's assistants and the music producer of _Funny Girl_ to collect her official schedule and go over the song arrangements.

Her head was still scrambling with the conversation she had had with Bob on the airplane. For the past few hours she had been engrossed in a mental debate with herself. She was in Los Angeles. Finn was in Los Angeles. Should she go see him?

She didn't even know what she'd say if she did. 'Hey, just ignore everything I've been saying since our reunion, I actually still love you and always have and now I want to be with you, hope that's okay'. It sounded so blase and unfair to the point of cruelty, like his emotions were something to be toyed with. She had seen first hand how drastically they had each reacted to the other's departure, and it hadn't been pretty.

She jumped a little as the door opened suddenly, and a young professional looking woman with a short blonde haircut walked in.

"Hi! I'm Michelle, we spoke on the phone?"

Rachel got up and smiled, and put her arm out to shake hands with the taller woman.

Michelle immediately began some small talk while organizing folders and papers out on the big conference table in the middle of the room.

They went over the documents quickly, and soon they were waiting for Jake, the music producer together.

"So," Michelle began in a friendly fashion, "I don't know if it's my place, but I'm very curious.. How did you get Finn Hudson to pull all those strings for you to get this part?"

Rachel whitened and bore into the assistant's stare.

"What?"

The woman looked confused, "Wait, didn't you know? Baz had no idea who you were until he asked Finn to come in and audition for the Nicky Arnstein part, and then the boy randomly decided to send Baz all that stuff from your resume instead and op out of the audition offer.."

Rachel felt her stomach drop three miles and twist uncomfortably. Michelle stared at her uncertainly, not sure what to say, unaware that she had just blown a big secret.

"I mean," Michelle continued, trying to save face, "I just thought because you two were friends from shooting Wicked or something that you might have gotten a third party to wheedle your way into the audition process. Not that you don't deserve it, because damn, I've seen some of those tapes and you're an incredible singer and perfect for this role.. it's just surprising that they cast a virtual unknown."

"No.." Rachel responded quietly, her soft, even voice contrasting every erratically jumping nerve inside her, "I had no idea he did that."

"Oh well.." Michelle looked around the room awkwardly, "I still can't believe he's quitting the acting industry."

She had obviously just become aware that she had made an error and was trying to cover it up by changing the subject.

If it was possible, even more color drained from Rachel's face.

"I didn't know that either," she finally responded, "Did he give a reason for doing that?"

"Well," Michelle started (gossiping was obviously her element), "Apparently he's going off somewhere to write an album."

Rachel suddenly felt sick as her body began giving her the telltale warnings that she was on the verge of tears.

"Is he gone?" she asked, her voice cracking, "I mean, is he already in Ohio?"

"Honey, you'd know better than me. I _wish_ I was on speaking terms with that tall drink of water.."

"I have to go," Rachel said suddenly, grabbing her purse and hurrying towards the exit.

"But what about going over the music? Jake should be here any second.."

"Have him email me the cliffnotes!" Rachel shouted over her shoulder, "Sorry but I don't feel well. Bad airplane food.."

Her head was spinning as she rushed to the elevator, pressing the 'down' button incessantly trying to get it to arrive quicker.

What was she doing? Was she really going to barge back into Finn's life and run into his arms because of an old man's advice and his anonymous act of kindness? Would he even accept her after all she had put him through?

From what she had just heard, Finn seemed to finally be moving on, finding a 'new direction' to follow and paint a new pathway with. Would it be selfish to parade back into his life and expect him to drop everything for her, just because _she_ had changed her mind?

For the first time, she thought she understood exactly what had been going through Finn's head that summer after graduation. She didn't know what to do because she couldn't decide what was best for _Finn_.

She made it to her rental car in record speed, and proceeded to slam the engine on and speed out of the parking lot. She didn't know where she was going. But she had to drive, she had to move, she had to figure out what the hell was going on.

A light Spring rain started drizzling over the city.

_What a warm welcome. Of course it would start to rain in the sunshine city upon my arrival._

Pushing the power button on her car radio, she flipped through the stations quickly, turning to music to try to find a sign of some sort. She didn't know what she wanted. Don't Stop Believin'? Open Your Heart? Faithfully?

She finally stopped at the sound of a mellow guitar melody.

_I was born when I met you_

_Now I'm dying to forget you_

_And that is what I know_

_Though I dreamed I would fall_

_Like a wounded cannonball_

_Sinking down with my heart in tow_

She didn't recognize the song but the woman's unique voice aptly evoked the feeling of heartache. Rachel didn't change the station, it felt appropriate.

_Someone told me a lie_

_Someone looked me in the eye_

_And said time will ease your pain_

_But behold, when you fall_

_It's that same old cannonball_

_Coming back for your heart again_

If Rachel had been looking for a sign, then this was not a positive one. If anything, it was poetically phrasing all of the painful repercussions of 'love' she herself had been reminding herself of every day for the last 5 years of her life.

_Bright lights like white lightning_

_Who shot me down_

_Who will cut me down_

_I'm frozen in my bed till the day comes around_

_And it may come around_

_Until the day comes around_

_How I'm lost_

_How I'm found_

_I was born when I met you_

_Now I'm dying to forget you_

_And that is what I know _

And then it shattered through her like a bolt of that white lightning that woman was going on about. Only it was a revelation, not an electrocuting shot of disaster. Everything just clicked in place and suddenly it all made sense.

She didn't want to be that girl anymore. That tormented piece of nothingness.

She was the only thing preventing herself from being genuinely happy.

It was like she was seeing clearly for the first time in her life. She realized it wasn't self-demeaning or weak to love someone more than you loved yourself, it was just beautiful and special and wonderful.. in a spectacular, comic galactic mystery type of way. It awed and scared you the way looking at a shower of shooting stars would. Love was inexplicable, that was the beauty of it. It transcended everything else with it's magnificence, and it couldn't be explained or fully understood, especially when it existed on that intense magnitude that hers and Finn's did. It was the single most true and honest and real and powerful thing a person could ever experience.

She didn't even care that she would be making herself vulnerable by running back to Finn. And she no longer thought it'd be abominably selfish to throw herself at him out of nowhere, because how could anything be wrong when they were together?

She would trade a thousand years without him for a single minute with him. Because Finn, and their love, was all that really mattered. Even if it was doomed, she had to spend every precious second she had with him while she could. And she had been downright idiotic to ignore this glaring truth.

She needed Finn because she was only real and happy and fully herself when she was with him. That fact didn't cheapen her character, but in fact strengthened it. Love was really the only thing worth living for, and without it, the fulfillment of her dreams, her accomplishments,_ life itself_, meant nothing.

Her hands trembled as she quickly dialed Kurt's phone number.

"Long time no talk! What can I do for you?"

"I need Finn's address, stat," she practically yelled, pulling off to the side of the road.

"Ummm, if you're asking about the address of his accommodations in LA, I don't think that number is still relevant."

"Why not?" she shrieked through the phone.

"The last I talked to him he had just returned the lease to the place, and he was going on and on about embarking on some creative journey of self-discovery or something. He's probably already left."

Rachel's stomach churned unpleasantly.

"But he might still be there, I don't know, I'll text you the directions."

"Okay," her voice cracked, "Thanks."

He had to still be here. She had felt it walking out of the airport. He was here, she knew it. She just had to find him.

...

**(20 minutes later).**

Finn lie on the grass in his little walled backyard and let the rain wash over him. He was wearing nothing but a white t-shirt and boxer shorts, which were both on their way towards becoming thoroughly soaked through. His eyes were closed as he tried to concentrate on the pitter patter of the rain drops splashing against him, and the light hammering noise they made as they crashed to the ground. It was almost as if the rain was metaphorically cleansing him, like a baptism or something.

When it had started raining, he had taken it as a symbolic gesture of goodbye from LA. The light drizzle had always been his favorite type of weather, and so he had met it with rapture. Choosing to lay down in his small backyard area and let the rain pour over him as he meditated on his unforeseeable future.

He opened his eyes suddenly as a loud, slow knock reached his ears from inside his condo.

Sitting up quickly, he ran his hands through his hair to get the water out and looked at the double french doors.

He felt sure he was staring at an apparition as he looked at Rachel Berry's hazy form through the glass.

He got up slowly, scared that moving too quickly would splinter the mirage. And for a moment, they just stood there, staring at each other through the rain and the glass, the drops crashing all around him.

She made the first move. Opening the door slowly, she took a step outside into the rain.

And then he noticed that her eyes were leaking. Tears. He raced to her quicker than he thought possible and wrapped his arms around her in a humongous bear hug, getting her even more wet in the process, and confirming to himself that she was really there.

"What's wrong?" he asked, rubbing her back comfortingly, his voice loud so she could hear him over the sound of the rain.

"I thought you were gone.." she hiccuped into his chest, "I knocked and no one answered so I walked through the door because it was unlocked and when I came in the place was empty.." she wiped more tears off (ineffectively) on his drenched t-shirt and looked up at him, "I thought I was too late," she whispered.

He held onto her tightly, his arms locked together behind her back, and looked at her intently.

"Too late for what?"

She took a shaky breath.

"For us."

He cupped her face with his hand and gently moved the pad of his thumb across her cheek- searching her deep, bottomless brown eyes.

It was too much, and in a split second he was leaning down and kissing her with everything he had. He felt her hands thread through his wet hair, bringing his face down even lower, and the contact made him moan a little into her mouth. Her fingers ran along the nape of his neck, and thrilled him with this electric energy, igniting every pore in his body. He pressed the small of her back urgently into him, he couldn't get close enough. Her tongue ushered him in, and he savored the familiar taste of her mouth, it was a warm haven amidst the chill of his rain splattered body.

"Oh Finn!" She cried, breaking the kiss and wrapping her arms around his chest tightly to embrace him again, "I can't fight it anymore. It hurts too much and I love you too much. I can't live like this, knowing you're out there and knowing I can feel the way I do when I'm with you. I don't care if you destroy me again, I'm going to spend every possible moment with you as I can. Because a minute with you is worth more than a lifetime without you."

He brought her face out from under him and looked at her. He knew he'd never be able to get enough of her face.

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" he asked, his voice lower than a whisper.

Their faces were mere inches apart. How long had he day dreamed about this moment? Was this really happening?

"Yes," she nodded, "I love you. But you already knew that."

He leaned his forehead against hers in disbelief.

"And in case you didn't know," he finally managed, his hot breath brushing her face, "I love you too."

Before he could pick her up bride style and bring her inside, hot tears were streaming down her face again as she continued.

"I was so stupid!" she cried into his shoulder, "You shouldn't be able to forgive me for everything I've done, everything I've put us through. But you've always been so good-"

He hushed her.

"Rachel don't say that, I'm the one who should be apologizing, for digging us into this dark hole to begin with-"

"No, no," she shook her passionately and put a hand against his mouth, "I want to explain. I have to explain."

He nodded slowly, and listened to her intently, boring deep into her huge, sad eyes, as if every fiber of his being depended on her words.

"When I'm with you," she began, taking a deep breath to steady her words, "I feel like I'm this small pebble on top of the tallest mountain in the world. And you, you're like this unstoppable force, a gust of wind, that sends me tumbling down the mountain, obliterating the small semblance of control I have over my delicate existence. And that frightened me. So much. Because I wasn't used to losing the power over my self-will like that. But what I realized was, the exhilaration and insurmountable emotion I felt from the ride, was so_ so_ worth the crash, however much it might hurt. So I'm not afraid of the wind anymore, because the wind is what makes me alive, and differentiates me from all the other still, purposeless rocks."

Finn ran his hand along her damp hair and held the back of her head to stare at her even more deeply. The way they were looking at each other- it was like their bodies couldn't even contain them, because they were seeing so much more, seeing _all_ of one another.

"Rachel I will never ever hurt you. I'll be the wind that takes you on the ride only to fly you back to the top whenever we get too close to the bottom. You're my everything. You're the one. And this time, I'm never _ever_ letting you go..."

She hugged him again with ferocity, burying her face in his shirt.

"No seriously Rach," he muttered into her ear, "I'm taking you with me to the grave. Which sucks for us if I die before you and I have to resort to haunting you in the earthly world and..."

She gave a muffled laughed into his dripping t-shirt and wiped the last of her tears off her face. Lifting her head from his warm chest she put her palms on both of his cheeks gently. Looking deep into his eyes, she stopped him mid-sentence.

"Just kiss me already."

He gladly accepted the order.


	26. Puzzle Pieces

Chapter 25.

_A/N:_

_Okay I just have to take this time to thank everyone who reviewed/favorited this story. You guys are seriously so freaking sweet/awesome/amazing and your kind words/gestures mean so __so__ much to me, so THANK YOU. I hope everyone enjoys the happy ending as much as I enjoyed writing it (to all the worriers- see, I kept my promise!), and I'm just grateful that I can share my copious amounts of Finchel love with all of you. _

...

**(moments later).**

They were in their own little world. Oblivious to the fact that they were making out in the rain. When they finally broke apart Rachel couldn't help but giggle freely and look up at the grey sky.

"Let's get you inside," Finn laughed, taking her hand and pulling her in the warm condo.

He led her into the bedroom, still holding her hand tightly. She shivered slightly upon entering and seeing the unmade mattress.

She wasn't sure if she was shivering from the cold, the happiness, or the desire, but Finn rubbed his hands along her arms protectively, trying to warm her up.

"I'm okay," she said softly, placing one of her small hands lightly over his gargantuan one, "I just need to get out of these wet clothes."

The right side of Finn's mouth raised as he quirked one of his adorable crooked grins.

"I think we can arrange that," he said throatily, taking a wet strand of hair and tucking it behind her ear.

Rachel felt herself get lightheaded as he bent down to kiss her again. This time the kiss was softer, sweeter, less urgent, as if he was trying to make it last as long as possible.

A forceful warmth began to grow in the core of her body as she deepened the kiss, effectively replacing any coldness she had been feeling.

She tried to savor every particle of the moment as she felt Finn slowly lift her cotton dress off her. His cold fingers left a trail goosebumps along the damp skin from her hips to the sides of her freed breasts. He was treating her like a fragile piece of china. Gripping his shirt tightly with both hands, she shoved her tongue into his mouth and tried to show him how _not_ fragile she was. Enough with the teasing.

Finn let out a low chuckle into their kiss which vibrated into her mouth, before picking her up and moving her towards the mattress. Their lips never broke contact as he carried her and gently placed her against the sheets. Her eyes raked the planes of his naked, gorgeous chest as he removed his wet shirt in one swift movement. The joy that filled her when she realized that he was all hers, that they could do _this _and be together _this way_, until the end of time, was indescribable.

There was still so much more to say, so much more to plan and figure out, but it could wait. Because they needed each other now. They needed to express to each other physically how desperately essential they were to one another.

She let out an uncontrollable moan as Finn brought his lips across her face to suckle the bottom of her ear, his body covering her like the sexiest blanket in the entire world. As he moved his hands up and down her skin, touching her in all the right places, she surrendered herself to the familiar ecstasy of his big, hard body surrounding her, caressing her, _loving_ her.

Finn groaned as his fingers felt her warm, wetness down there (which definitely _wasn't_ the fault of the rain). Tremors wracked her body at the touch of his long, nimble fingers, and she let out a strangled cry that unbridled all of Finn's self-control. Kicking off his boxers, he literally growled as he pushed the barrier of her delicate lace underwear to the side and positioned himself at her entrance.

Rachel arched her back and let out another moan as she thrust her hips towards him, wanting more of him. He complied immediately, and brought his mouth back up to repossess hers as he grunted himself into her. Her head rolled back at the sensations of Finn moving inside her, barely aware of the noises coming out of her mouth as she faded into him.

...

Their damp bodies clung together like puzzle pieces that had found their way back again.

"Stay," she panted, putting her arms around his neck, "I like the feeling of you in me."

Finn breathed heavily as he groaned and let his head fall into the crook of her shoulder, slipping his arms under her back to support the both of them in their tight embrace.

Rachel smiled drunkenly at the feel of Finn's hot breath against the sensitive area below her ear and the lingering bond of their bodies.

"I love you," he murmured huskily, "_so_ much."

She'd never tire of hearing him say that.

In her post-coital bliss she could only make one coherent thought.

_This _was where she belonged. With Finn.

She was home.

...

A couple hours later they had been forced to stop and fuel themselves. They had ordered chinese take-out and were eating out of the the little white boxes and failing miserably with the chopsticks in their little make-shift dining area on the wooden floor.

Finn had to keep reminding himself to eat because of the vision of the impossibly beautiful girl sitting in front of him, distracting him with her charm.

Rachel took a bite out of her spicy tofu (Finn had gotten that too because he remembered Rachel didn't like kissing him when she could taste meat on his tongue).

She chewed it thoughtfully before saying, "Yeah, there's definitely better Chinese in New York."

He pouted his lips to the side before joking, "Hmmm, has Rachel Berry become an East Coast snob?"

Rachel threw a piece of tofu at him (their less than enviable chopstick skills had already made the floor around them a total mess).

"Hey!" he shouted laughingly, reciprocating with a handful of rice.

"Watch it mister," she mockingly warned, "You'll see what I mean when we go back, I'll take you there."

He lifted an eyebrow delightedly.

"When _we_ go back huh? That's a little presumptuous don't you think?"

Rachel blushed a little and became self-conscious, unaware that Finn was joking.

He pushed the food aside (there'd be more time for that later) and pulled her into his lap, bundling her up in his arms.

He placed his mouth near her ear and spoke softly, "Of course it's a _we_, I'm not allowing you go anywhere without me."

Rachel leaned her head diagonally to look at him.

"Are you sure? Because it _was_ unfair of me to just presume that you have no responsibilities to attend to and that you could just drop everything to stay wherever I am. I mean, you can still go on your 'creative journey of self-discovery' or whatever while I film here, just know that I'll be waiting faithfully."

He put his finger to her mouth to hush her and shook his head no. He then captured her lips in a searing kiss to _show_ her how that _so_ wasn't an option.

"I don't think you heard what I said earlier," he whispered, after they broke apart, "I am going to be attached to your hip until you get so sick of me.."

"I could never get sick of you," she whispered in return, "I only get sick when you're not with me."

She snuggled into his lap and rested the back of her head against his chest, and they both stared at the rain shower pouring outside.

"I was actually planning on going to Lima," Finn offered quietly, "And I think I only wanted to go back there so I could feel closer to you without actually being with you. That place is so full of memories, locations where we made our stamp-"

Rachel smiled, before interrupting him.

"Like that huge oak tree by the river where we carved out our initials, or the tire swing in the big park.."

"Yeah," he grinned, "Like those.. But now that I have you, I'm not going anywhere."

"Well," she started suggestively, "Filming is scheduled to conclude in 4 months, and it seems a shame to waste that perfectly packed oversized pick-up truck.

He smiled at her, seeing where she was heading with this.

"Wherever you are, that's where I'm supposed to be. So whether you want to road trip to Lima or New York, or explore the world and take a vacation to Fiji, I'll be following. The great thing about writing is you can do it anywhere, anytime. And even if you couldn't, it wouldn't really matter. Because Rachel Berry is from now on my one and only priority. You're stuck with me. Because, well, you're my home, you know?"

Rachel looked at him knowingly with an inspired glint in her eye.

She placed a finger on his nose and flicked it playfully.

"Yes, I know exactly what you mean."

...

**(the next morning).**

Finn was woken up by the sound of a soft sigh on his chest. Lifting his eyelids blearily, his eyes were met with the most marvelous and wondrous sight anyone could ever imagine. Rachel Berry, sound asleep half on top of him, looking peaceful and ethereal.

Carefully disentangling himself from her, he crept out of bed and quietly shrugged on a white button up shirt and his previously stripped blue boxer shorts. He needed to get something out of his car.

When he returned, he was glad to see that Rachel had woken up yet. She was lying on her stomach on the side of the mattress, breathing softly.

He sat next to her before kissing her forehead softly in an attempt to rouse her, and taking her left hand in his. He watched as her long eyelashes fluttered open.

"Hey," she whispered, the disuse of her voice in the night making it hoarse and low and sexy.

"Hey," he smiled, "I have something to tell you."

She sat up a little and looked at him curiously, he hadn't let go of her left hand.

"Rachel, I don't want to do this dance anymore. I think I've known that you were the only girl for me from the first moment I sang Don't Stop Believin' With You all those years ago in Lima. That was the first time in my sorry life I felt I belonged right where I was. Obviously, I was the biggest moron of all time back then and too stupid to realize it, but I did know that you touched something in me, right here," he flattened his hand on the right side of his chest, grinning broadly at the memory, "And no one else, in all my 23 years of living, has ever touched me in that way again, and no one ever will. Besides you Rachel. Because my heart belongs to you, and only you. I'm pretty sure it was yours even before we sang together, hell, even before we met, because.. I just know with this deep conviction that we're meant to be together forever. So," he said, taking the delicate platinum ring with the glittering 3 carat princess cut diamond in the center out of his shirt pocket.

Rachel's mouth was open in a perfect O shape as she let him slide it up her ring finger as she sat breathless. It fit effortlessly.

"So why beat around the bush?" he continued, "You're the one. And I'm not even going to bother proposing to you because I'm that 100% positive that we were destined to be together."

She beamed at him, in that way that only Rachel Berry could beam, setting his heart ablaze with such a strong passion that their wasn't yet a word in the English Dictionary to properly describe it.

Pulling him down on top of her with his shirt collar, she kissed him strongly and deeply. She finally broke the kiss to whisper in his ear.

"Well I guess we're getting married then."

Finn's face broke in the widest smile that had ever spread across his face. He pulled the wrinkled white sheet over them as he proceeded lathering his _fiancee_ with more kisses.

"In fact," he whispered between the kisses he was placing on her neck and pulse point, "I think we should elope," he finished deviously.

Rachel rolled over him assertively as she captured his lips again with hers.

"And wherever did you come up with that idea?" she whispered into his mouth, smiling playfully.

He put his hands around her waist and pulled her body tightly against him before gently placing his lips against hers.

"From my one true love," he replied hoarsely, staring at her intensely as he broke the light kiss.

...

Rachel laughed a little chokingly at his cheesy line. But somehow coming from him, it was just beautiful and perfect. She realized as the lump formed in her throat that she was about to start crying from happiness.

"I like the sound of that," she replied teary-eyed, snuggling on top of him so that all of the curves and valleys of her body meshed seamlessly with his, "Because this is it, you and me, right here, right now, forever."

"Yeah," Finn whispered a little mistily, kissing the top of her head firmly, "Exactly. This is it."

...

The End.


End file.
